Page 69 of Deprivation

“Oh, I’ll go with you. She’s my patient. But I need you to hear it straight from her.”

Oh, God. Nothing about this is sounding good.Turning to face Bobbi, she spins and heads toward room thirty-seven. Why do I feel like this is the point where the theme fromJawsshould start playing?

“Hi. Miss Chambers, my name is Katarina Kelly. I’m a physician assistant. Myself and one of the doctors will be taking care of you today.” Washing my hands, I try to collect myself. Her current presentation has me a bit rattled. “What brings you in today?” I ask as I lower myself to the stool at her bedside, avoiding eye contact with Bobbi for fear I will not be able to control the ‘what the fuck’ look from reaching my face.

“Well, I was trying to spice things up for my boyfriend.”Oh, Lord. I already don’t like where this is going.“He doesn’t like to eat me, so I thought I’d make it better for him. ‘Cause a girl deserves some tongue too, you know what I’m saying?”Um, nope. Can’t say that I do.“Well, I told him I’m tired of going down on him all the time if he can’t give me nothing. So I said if he wanted another blow job, he needed to get to it.”

My facial muscles are frozen in shock. I’m flabbergasted by this woman’s candidness, astounded she’s sharing this level of private information with me as if this is a typical conversation for her. Even if I am a medical professional. What’s more, is there a point to this story?

“Anyhow, I said I’d make it so he could taste the rainbow. But now I have all this crazy discharge and I wonder if I messed up my lady cake.”

Oh, my God. I attempt to swallow a laugh. Lady cake?

“I’m sorry, Ms. Chambers. I just want to make sure I understand what you’re trying to tell me. What exactly do you mean by ‘make it so he could taste the rainbow’?” I ask fearfully.

“You know. I shoved some Skittles in my hoo hoo.”

Oh, for fucks sake. Is this a thing?

“Anyway, now, I got all sorts of crazy-colored shit coming out of my lady cake, and I want to make sure I haven’t messed anything up in there.”

Clearing my throat I continue warily, “Did you have intercourse after this, or just oral sex?” I really don’t want to know any more about this woman’s sex life or risk her repeating her name for her vagina, but I need to get this over with.

“He went down there… for like a minute. Whatever. He’s got a big dick, so I’ll keep him.”

“So that was a yes to intercourse?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“Did you use a condom?”

“Nah. He better not be cheatin’, as much shit as I put up with.”

“Well, his semen mixed with the residual color from the um, rainbow, could have led to this odd-appearing discharge.”

“Well, I just need you to get the rest of them damn Skittles out of there.”

Oh, God.“Ms. Chambers, I’m happy to do a pelvic exam and check for any bacterial sources of infection… and any remaining foreign bodies, but your vagina is a warm, moist environment. I’m sure any remaining Skittles have melted.”

This seems to have pacified her, so I stand to retrieve the cart to begin her pelvic exam. I don’t have to ask her to remove her clothes and put on a gown because she has delivered this entire story wearing only a tiny, see-through mesh bra. No cover up with a sheet, no tiny thong. Just nothing. I’m afraid to know what the stretcher is going to look like when she stands up. Probably like a cup of Lucky Charms melted on the sheet.

* * *

Several hours later, I have seven active patients and only one or two look close to being discharged. The others are all awaiting tests of some sort. Today has been one of those days where everything seems to take twice as long as it should.

“Kat?” I hear Bobbi again.

“Oh, no. I’m not falling for any more of your tomfoolery, Bobbi Greer!” I sneer, knowing she loved every stinking minute of that ridiculous exam.

“Well, I have a patient who’s requesting to see a female. Since the attendings are all male today, that leaves you.”

Since when is it okay to go to an emergency room and make requests? What if Ryan or Hunter had been the PAs working today? Would she have left?I’m not letting this ruin my day.If the half-baked lady cake full of Skittles didn’t do it, I can practically handle anything.

I walk down the hall to room seven. Knocking on the door, I enter and see a young woman appearing in her early twenties. As I take her in, I notice she has long, wavy brown hair, brown eyes, and is thin but still possessing slight curves. She reminds me… well, of a young me.

“What brings you to the emergency room today, Kelsie?”

“I’m not sure how to even explain it. I took a pregnancy test about a week ago. It was positive. My last period was two months ago, and I have an appointment with my OB/GYN next week. I’ve had a little nausea, but no real vomiting, and everything has gone well. I have a few aches in my pelvis, but I assume it’s just that I’m pregnant… no cramping or bleeding or anything.” She looks to me, almost bashfully.

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