Page 48 of Fractured

I’m on the train headed south as my weekend away comes to a close. I should make it back home by 11:00 p.m.. It’ll be a short turnaround for work tomorrow, but I’ve survived on far less sleep. Taking a sip from my water, I lean my head against the headrest and gaze out of the window. The train is more crowded than I expected for this time of day but being surrounded by all of these travelers makes me feel lonely. I’ve been on my own for so long, you wouldn’t think times like this would bother me. Is it that I’m getting older or simply that I’ve done it so long I crave human contact?Or is it Nick?

I can’t help but reflect on the unbelievable events of the last few weeks. The euphoric highs to the devastating lows. It wouldn’t be unique to have to let dreams of a future with Nick go. I’d accepted my fate regarding relationships long ago. The novel thing in this scenario, beyond the ability to have a heart-pounding orgasm with another person in the room, is his honesty.

I don’t dismiss the amount of courage it took to bare his soul to me in that hotel room. He’d been trying to explain for weeks, and I shut him out. I wasn’t ready for any more head games. But this man managed to trade places with Dr. Morgan, come clean with me about having a panic attack, and share sincere heartfelt feelings of fear regarding a future together. What’s more, he seemed to understand my worries for the same.

When Nick first revealed his reasons for ghosting me, I was in total protective mode. I’ve heard all the excuses. Gabe was a freaking master at deception. All I could do was acknowledge his words and try to guard my heart. But after telling him goodnight and sending him away, I showered and laid on the bed, considering his declaration. Was it impossible to believe someone else could bear the same scars? That he could be just as broken as I was?

Looking at my watch, I notice it’s 9:15 p.m. I pick up my phone, deciding I can’t put this off any longer.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Mom. I’m headed back home from a conference in DC and just wanted to let you know I won’t be able to make it to Thanksgiving this year. I have to work.”

“Oh, Katarina. I wish you worked in a doctor’s office or something. I feel like you miss out on so much.”

Yeah, if she only knew I requested to work.“I know. But this is where I’m called to be for now. Tell everyone I miss them, and I’ll try to catch up closer to Christmas. You and Dad doing okay?”

“Yes. We’re fine. Rachel said Steven hasn’t been feeling well and will likely not come to Thanksgiving either.”

“Wow. That’s some flu if he knows he’s going to be sick that far out.”

“No, I think it’s his back. It’s from all of the traveling he does. Anyway, we’ll miss seeing you. Please try to come for Christmas at least.”

“I will, Mom. Give my love to Dad.” Hanging up the phone, I exhale, having that monkey off of my back. I haven’t heard from Nick most of the day, but I certainly don’t want to become one of those women. I bite my lip, smiling at the thought of attending Thanksgiving dinner with him. Oh, if my mom thought Gabe was the cat’s meow, she hasn’t seen anything until she’s met Dr. Nick Barnes. I love my mother, but let’s just call it like it is. She’d be over the moon to have her daughter dating a successful surgeon. I can’t help but laugh out loud at the thought. I can only picture her face. ‘Mom, I’d like you to meet Dr. Barnes. He’s an orthopedic surgeon at St. Luke’s.’Ah, he’d probably charm the pants off of her.All the while, fondling my lady parts as I try to scoop the mashed potatoes.Ha! You’ve got quite the imagination, Kat Kelly.

Do I dare consider what it’d be like to embrace a normal romantic relationship with a guy like Nick? He’s beyond swoon-worthy. Heck, the way he talked to me in the hotel room was the stuff my romance novels are made of. I’m pretty sure he’s nothing like Gabe. Gabe would’ve never spoken of feelings or fears of the future. He was a used car salesman in his attempts to explain away his transgressions. But I fell for it. Maybe that’s why I’m so worried about Nick’s ability to pull one over on me.

Honestly, I think I knew all along Gabe was a scam artist but didn’t want to return to a life alone. I’ve never thought Nick was a liar. Truth be told, I don’t think he has it in him. He seems so genuine. I try not to think too much about some of the things he said to me this weekend. Yet, when he said he was more worried about my leaving than when he and his ex-wife split, I was shocked. How could this be? But, deep down, I know how. I feel it too. It doesn’t matter that I barely know him. The attraction is unparalleled. As much as I’m trying to fight this feeling to protect myself, I can’t. What’s more, I don’t want to. Why wouldn’t I want to feel this way? He’s worth the risk. And for the first time, I’m starting to think… so am I.

Flipping through my phone, I decide to listen to an audiobook for the remainder of my trip. Ah, a nice rom-com would be good. I quite honestly can’t handle the drama of an angsty page turner in my life right now. I have too much of my own. Tucking my phone back into my purse, I place my earbuds in and lie my head back to enjoy the ride.

* * *

I depart the train terminal looking for my car. That’s one nice thing about these smaller terminals. There’s no big, fancy waiting area surrounded by travel brochures and vending machines, but I can find my car quickly and head home. We made it back ten minutes early. When does that ever happen? As I pull my suitcase behind me, I can feel a vibration in my purse. I juggle my belongings to see if it’s a call or a text. Seeing the pending message, I click on the green icon.

10:52 p.m.

Nick Barnes

Nick: Hey. We need to talk.

Chapter Sixteen

Nick

Since leaving Kat’s side that morning in my hotel suite, she’s never really been far from me. Throughout my drive, at work in my office, and home, with my lonely dinner, I think of her. I marvel at how much better food tastes with her sitting next to me. It’s more than spending time with an attractive woman. She’s gorgeous, but it’s beyond her looks. Her company is… well, its delightful.

My mind trails back to that evening, and I recall how wonderful it was.Well, once the groveling was over, and she gave me another chance.I can’t help but smile at the thought she might be willing to take a risk with us. I never want to hurt her like that again.

Looking down at my phone, rereading the text I’ve just sent, I know I’ve done the right thing, but at what cost? I probably should’ve said something earlier, but everything about our relationship has been a mess. You need to find the right way to bring up something as delicate as ‘Hey, just thought I’d let you know we actually first fucked against a tree, behind a nightclub, not at your place. It was over a month ago. You just don’t remember because zolpidem does some weird shit to you.’

Having this between us is making me crazy. I abhor liars. I don’t want to be the very thing I detest in a relationship. Any relationship. But especially one with someone who matters. Keeping this from her is bad. She needs to know. I need to tell her right away. Beyond the impact on us, it’s important to her general health and wellbeing for her to know and get a handle on it.Yeah, that’s what I need to lead with.I can help her figure this out. Stay away from that pill and find another way to sleep. I don’t want her to put herself at risk again, taking those pills. Even if she isn’t getting enough rest. She seems to doze just fine with me. But then again, we’ve usually had marathon sex right before.Think she’ll buy she needs to have sex with me before bed each night, and she won’t need the zolpidem anymore?

I startle a bit, deep in my thoughts, as the phone begins to ring.

“Hello?”

“Hi. It’s Kat.” Her voice sounds hesitant.

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