Page 88 of Fractured

I can’t hold back any longer. I place my hand on her arm and try to console her. “Katrina. Grace knows you love her. I’m sure she can feel it. You’ve been here tirelessly for her, day in and day out. Whatever you decide to do, she’ll know she was loved. I’m sure of it.” I hope this offers her some comfort, as I can’t imagine what she’s feeling right now. I’m certain if I wasn’t sure where my next meal was coming from, I’d be worried about raising a baby too.

I try to change the subject. “Did your sister and brother have a nice Christmas?” I gulp, suddenly worried I’ve made a huge mistake with this line of questioning almost as soon as the question has come out of my mouth.What are you thinking, Kat? If they didn’t, do you want to rub her nose in it?

“Yes. They probably had the best Christmas they’ve ever had. I was able to fill out a form for the Angel Tree. The Salvation Army collected stuff for them. They got clothes and toys and even got a bike each. They were thrilled.”

“Oh, Katrina, that’s great.”

I notice she’s now crying. “Kat, can you take her for a minute?”

“What?” I start to panic a bit. How can I possibly hold this infant without losing it in here? I’ll be a blubbering mess.

“Please?”

Oh, for god’s sake. Woman up, Kelly. This poor girl needs help.I stand up, not wanting to risk falling over with this frail infant in my arms. Extending my arms to her, I watch as Katrina places little Gracie in my arms.

“Thanks, Kat. I just need a minute. I’ll be right back.”

“Wha-?”

Katrina is gone in a flash, and I’m standing here holding this beautiful, innocent little angel. Looking down at her, eyes closed, she’s the epitome of peace. As I gently sway her to and fro, her little fingers wrap around mine. I try to stay focused on the little miracle I’m watching and not my own grief. I don’t know how Katrina’s done it day after day. It has to be terrifying, wondering each day if it could be Grace’s last. They’ve come a long way with modern medicine, but these preemies are so small. There are no guarantees.

After what seems like hours, Katrina comes back. Her face puffy, red blotches staining her cheeks.

“You okay?” I whisper.

“Yeah. This seems to happen a lot lately. I’m just so overwhelmed. But you’re right. I have to believe she knows how much I love her. So long as I continue to pray and do the best I can… well, that’s all there is, really. It’s going to have to be enough.”

As I hand the little bundle off to her mother, she rocks her briefly and then lowers Grace back into the incubator.

“I just fed her before you got here. She’ll sleep for hours now.”

“Are you getting any sleep, Katrina?”

“Yeah. I hang out in the waiting room. I catch naps in there. Everyone here’s been really nice to me. I go and take a shower and get clean clothes when Grace sleeps.”

“Any idea when she’ll come home?”

“She still has some weight to gain.” Shrugging her shoulders, she continues, “I just hope I’m ready before she is.”

The two of us walk out of the NICU together, and as I turn to her, she grabs me in a firm embrace. Her small frame barely coming to my chin. She really is a tiny thing. I look down at her hopeful brown eyes and suddenly can feel tears start to collect in my own. This amazing, brave young woman is facing her biggest fears for her daughter. She holds her head up and faces each day with prayer, putting her best foot forward.

Abruptly, as if I no longer control my own faculties, I grab this young girl and clutch her petite body to mine. “Kat? You okay?” I hear Katrina’s voice, muffled against my chest.

“Oh, I’m sorry, Katrina. I’m just so proud of you. You inspire me.”

Looking shocked, she almost yells, “Me?”

“Yes, you! Don’t ever doubt yourself. You’ve been here every moment for Grace. You’re facing the unknown because of your love for her. I’m so impressed with your determination. I know this isn’t easy.” I have a lot to learn from this young woman.

“Thanks, Kat. I’ve got a long way to go, but I’m going to try even harder because of you.”

“Oh, I almost forgot. I made this for Grace. It’s a little Super Girl outfit. It’s not much. But I think I should have made a Wonder Woman one for you too.”

“Oh, Kat. It’s so cute. I can’t wait to put it on her. Thank you.”

Waving goodbye, I head back toward my car. The entire way home, I reflect on Katrina and what a brave young woman she is. If this girl who has nothing can fight for her and her daughter’s future, why can’t I?Grow up, Katarina! It’s time to stop sulking.

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