Page 39 of Deprived No More

“How are Mac and Libby? I feel like it’s been forever since I’ve seen your daughter.”

“Oh, Liberty is good. She’s doing well in school and is taking after her mama. She likes participating in drama and music. I don’t know that I’d encourage her to chase the same life I have. Acting is hard. Finding work and traveling. The time spent away from your family.”

“I know.” I laugh. “You’ve done well though, Olivia. And you know good and well if someone tried to stand in your way, you’d have bowled right over them. All eighty pounds of you.”

“Yeah. I know. If it’s really what she wants to do one day, I’ll do anything I can to support her. But she needs to know the odds are against her, and she won’t have the quality of life most are afforded.”

Smiling at the server as she returns with our coffees, I pour a generous splash of cream into mine before stirring and taking a sip. “Speaking of quality of life, are you still good taking Grace and Olivia the weekend of Nick’s birthday?” I waggle my brows at her over my steaming cup of Joe.

“Haha. Yes. I wouldn’t come between you and your man.”

“Well, you know as well as I do, if I ask him what he wants for his big day, sex will be the first thing on the list.”

“Men.” She giggles.

“Have you and Mac thought about having another-”

“Hell no. I’m sure Mac would be okay with it. He’s hinted often enough but performing on stage day in and day out with one child is hard enough. I don’t know how we would’ve managed all these years without our parents’ help. I just couldn’t do that again. They’re getting older. And honestly, it wouldn’t be fair to the baby. I’m never home.”

“I get it. I’d give anything to have one more,” I say, biting down hard on my lower lip, awaiting the dressing down.

“Kat, you make it all look so easy. Besides, one more, and you’ll have enough kids to have your own basketball team.” She laughs.

The server returns with our plates. They look delicious, and I don’t hesitate to pick up my fork and dive in.

“Gavin would love that. He’s our basketball player. But Nick’s clearly not interested in having another. I wish I could let it go. But it just pulls at my thoughts. It’s probably just inching closer to forty that’s putting this in my head.”

“Have you talked to Nick?”

“No. Things have been stressful lately. I just don’t want to add one more thing to the list.”

“Well, it sounds like it’s causing stress for you whether you speak to him or not. Why not just put it out there?”

“Truth?” I ask, watching as she nods, her mouth full of omelet. “I think I’m deluding myself into thinking, if I don’t ask, there’s still a chance it could happen. I mean, we have the financial means to find a surrogate. We could use a donor egg and Nick’s sperm. I know it would be expensive, and there are no guarantees, but I want this so much.”

Olivia lifts her coffee cup, and I eye her warily. “A toast. To Kat getting what she wants. Because if anyone can make the impossible possible, it’s you, my dear.”

Driving home, I reflect on the conversation I had with Olivia. She’s right. I should just talk to Nick. Why am I so scared? I mean, we’ve been through much tougher than this. And if he is adamant that we cannot have any more children, why couldn’t I just accept it and move on? Maybe getting it out there once and for all will allow me to quiet this desire for more.

But any recent attempt at discussing this has gone south quickly. There was no question in his mind I was sorting through baby items because it was time to donate and move on from that time in our lives. He’s so focused on sex and getting his needs met that he wouldn’t possibly entertain anything that might further stand in his way.

If only my body wasn’t like this. Broken. Hell, with all the sex he wants, he’d have to accept the byproduct being another child. Sometimes you gotta pay to play, right? But in my case, my body is a barren wasteland.Ugh.

Several more days go by, feeling hollow, depressed, and uncertain about how to proceed. The walls of this lake house feel like they’re closing in on me. Except for the moments when my children are home and the few days a month I work at the hospital, I feel unsatisfied.

The kids won’t be home until later, and Nick left with a bag packed as he’s on-call this weekend. While I’ll miss Nick, it’s the silence that settles in once the kids are down for the night I’m dreading. Picking up my phone, I chew on the inside of my cheek as I dial my sister’s number.

“Hey, Kat. What are you up to?”

“Not much. I was wondering what you and the kids were up to this weekend,” I say tentatively.

“Not a thing. Why?”

“Nick’s on call this weekend. He’s planning to stay at the bungalow Friday and Saturday night. I was wondering if you and the kids wanted to come and stay the weekend with us.”

“Oh, I bet Luke and Jenna would love that. I’ll talk to them after school.” The line goes quiet momentarily before Rachel continues. “Kat?”

“Yeah?”

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