Page 42 of Deprived No More

“How so?” I ask, curious about his observation.

“Maybe it’s just your work persona, but you were so animated and accommodating the day I met you. You were appreciative and self-deprecating. It was refreshing. But here, where you’re off work and should be relaxed, you seem guarded. Is it me? I’m happy to leave if I’m making you uncomfortable.”

“No. I’m sorry if I gave you that impression.” I pause to take another sip of wine and decide to put all of my cards on the table. “I’ve had a lot on my mind lately, and I’m not handling it well. When I’m at work, it’s honestly too busy to have time to think about my personal issues. But when I’m left to my own devices, my thoughts have almost made me claustrophobic. I guess I hoped escaping them for a night would help. But that seems silly now.”

“I hope it’s nothing serious,” he says, sounding sincere. I realize he’s turned his full frame toward me, giving me his undivided attention.

“No. That’s the confusing part. If it were some major life event like a divorce or contemplating chemotherapy, I almost think it’d be easier. But what I want isn’t life or death. Which makes it more complex because I’m afraid my husband will dismiss it without a thought, and I’ll be left tormented. Like I am now.” I have no idea why I’m sharing this with him. A complete stranger.

“Would you mind if I gave you some advice?” He genuinely looks concerned.

“No, not at all.”

“I think you should tell your husband what’s on your mind. What it is that holds such a precious piece of your heart.”

My dark eyes connect with his deep blues, and I feel validated. Without even knowing what it is, he’s made me feel that I’m justified in asking for what I want. And isn’t that half the battle? If I spoke to Nick and he said no, but I felt heard… would that be enough?

Leaning in, his eye contact almost makes me blush. He’s so mesmerizing that my breath catches for a moment. “Go for it, Kat. Tell him what’s so important to you.” He gives a pregnant pause as if trying to underline his words. “Just ask him.”

Abruptly, he stands and begins to turn away but stops and looks back down at me. His voice is quieter when he speaks this time, almost forcing me to lean in to hear him. His expression appears even more serious than before. My mouth goes dry as I absorb his parting words.

“Just ask him, Kat. If you were mine, I’d never be able to tell you no.”

CHAPTERSEVENTEEN

Kat

Having enjoyed a second set by the live band while finishing my wine and nibbling on delicacies I’d never enjoy with four small children around, I head back home, surprised Nick hasn’t called. Perhaps he got called into the ER, or worse, had to take a case to the operating room. Maybe he wanted some space from the kids and me after the last several weeks. Could Sam have already called Sebastian to share I was spending my evening with Holden?

I did nothing wrong. I refuse to consider any scenario where my integrity would be called into question. I needed an adult night out. Had Nick been available and we had childcare, I would’ve enjoyed spending it with him. Sure, I admit my reasons for needing to escape the confines of my home are partially due to my inability to share my thoughts with him. But I love him dearly and would’ve enjoyed a night out without the kids.

Beyond enjoying myself this evening, I do feel I have a little more clarity now. Holden was right. I need to just ask for what I want. It’s dealing with the aftermath if it doesn’t work out that I’m trying to prepare for. Is this desire for one more child strong enough I should allow it to come between us? No. I’d find a way to get past it if he can’t handle one more. But it’s more the fear of not being heard.

The bottom line is, I don’t want the things which are important to me to be easily dismissed. This marriage is a joint venture. It shouldn’t be his way or the highway.

Pulling into the gravel drive, I park the car alongside Rachel’s and grab my purse. As I enter the front door, I notice it’s dark, all but for a slight flicker illuminating from the television.

“Hey. How was your evening?” Rachel asks from her perch at the corner of the sectional, her legs curled underneath her.

“It was good. Sam’s done a lot with the vineyard. The music was great, and so was the food and the wine.”

“Did it bring you some peace?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. I know I need to talk to Nick. It’s just a matter of finding the right time. Even if he’s not interested in the same things I am, I want to feel heard.”

Yawning, Rachel nods in agreement. “You’re absolutely right. I’ll never consider marriage again unless I know going into it that my feelings are being validated. That it isn’t a one-way street.”

“Exactly.”

“But Kat, you have that kind of marriage. I cannot imagine Nick won’t listen to what you have to say.”

“Speaking of Nick. Did he call here? I haven’t heard from him all day.”

“No. I assumed he would’ve called your cell as you said earlier.”

“Yeah, me too. But it’s odd. He always calls to check in. Maybe he’s in the OR.”

Standing from her spot on the couch, she pulls the throw around her shoulders and turns toward the guest room. “Call him in the morning if you don’t hear from him tonight. I’m heading to bed. The kids have been asleep for about an hour. They laughed themselves silly.”

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