Page 49 of Deprived No More

Maybe that’s it. Perhaps I’ve been feeling overwhelmed after seeing Mark in the ER because I was unable to control my reaction to him. Unable to control my emotions regarding his current situation. I’m overwhelmed at knowing the possibility of another baby depends on someone else.

Peering at my watch, I realize I’ve been sitting here for longer than I thought. I need to go get the kids. Reaching down to pick up my empty mug, I stand and take one last cleansing breath before heading up to the house to grab my keys. “Thank you,” I put out to the universe. “Thank you for whatever is to come.”

“It’s been a long while, Kat,” Dr. Miller greets me with an extended arm as I enter his office. The years have been kind to him. His hair is a little longer now, and a few more laugh lines are noted about his handsome face. But those eyes haven’t changed a bit. Just as brilliant blue and calming as before.

“It has,” I respond, taking a seat before him. This chair is still here. This horrible, hunter-green chair. The plush seat and armrests are a little more worn than I recall but just as stiff and uncomfortable. It feels like home.

“So, what do I owe this visit?” He grins as only he can.

“I’m struggling, and I’m hoping you can help. Nothing like what I dealt with before. Heck, you’ll probably tell me the same thing my husband has said, and I’ll leave here knowing I completely wasted your time and mine.”

“You’ve never wasted my time before. I don’t have any reason to think you’d be here if it wasn’t important to you. And if it is, it’s important to me.” He winks. For a moment, I feel like that awestruck twenty-something, sitting in this chair for the first time, mesmerized by this Matthew McConaughey doppelganger.

“Well, I guess I should catch you up. I’ve been married for eight years. Nick’s the love of my life, without a doubt. We struggled in the beginning, but once we found our way, it’s been good between us. Losing Jake hit both of us hard, but as time has passed, we’ve grown closer. Or at least I thought we had.”

Looking up, I see he has a brow raised in response to this last tidbit. As is his norm, he remains silent with his hands steepled together in front of him.

“Despite my infertility, we have a house full of kids. We adopted two children through open adoption, and two were adopted through the foster system. I only work a few days a month and love being a mother every second.”

“That’s great, Kat. I can see it all over your face. They’re lucky to have you.”

Yes. He’s right. We’re lucky to have each other. “But as it gets closer to time for my youngest to go to kindergarten, I find I can’t let go of the desire to add another child to our family. I can’t stop thinking about how much I’d love to have a baby with my husband’s smile and eyes. Obviously, we’d have to use donor eggs, but there’s a chance I could carry a pregnancy to term. Or use a surrogate.”

He sits quietly and lets my thoughts bubble up. He’s a master at forcing my hand, knowing I can’t sit still for long in the oppressive silence.

“I’m worried I’m having a midlife crisis. I don’t know why I’m suddenly so preoccupied with this. I was fine with adopting. We’ve been blessed with the children we have. But when I finally said something to my husband about it, he acted as if I was asking him for the moon. I’d say it was more the way he reacted, not really listening but immediately saying no. But hearing no has felt like something in my heart has been ripped in two.”

Instantly feeling emotions wash over me, I look for the box of tissues he keeps at the ready and sit back as much as this rigid chair will allow.

“I think it’s completely normal to want more children, particularly when you’re about to send your youngest out into the world. It sounds as if you’re a good mother and you have the means to provide for multiple children. Is your home life happy?”

“Yes,” I blurt. I know where he’s headed with this line of questioning. I’m not trying to fill a void with another child. “We have our issues like any other family. But we’re blessed financially. I’m able to spend a lot of time with my family and give my husband the attention he needs. Sure, there are times life throws you a curve ball, and the house nearly catches fire, and everyone throws up for a week…”

As the words tumble out, I notice he’s got that brow cocked again and almost chuckle. “You know. Regular stuff.” I giggle. “But one more child wouldn’t change that.”

Again, the space grows eerily quiet. How does he know when there’s more? When to keep holding back so I can vomit word salad all over his office?

“I’ve been wondering if all of this is because I’m feeling a lack of control. I can’t control having another child the normal way. I can’t act on my desire for one more without his approval. Life is coming at me, and I want things to slow down.”

He unclasps his hands and reaches for an invisible piece of lint on his shirt before returning his hands as they were and looking directly at me. It’s so quiet that I can hear his wall clock ticking like a gong.Ugh.

“I saw Mark. I was at work the other day, and I went to see a patient from a rehab facility they were concerned had a blood clot. It was Mark.”

He changes his posture, so he’s sitting more erect, directly facing me, and finally speaks. “Your stalker, Mark?”

“Yes.”

“That had to be terribly stressful. How’d that go?”

“Awkward. I don’t understand why I suddenly felt so guilty overhispredicament. As if it was my fault he can’t use his legs,” I murmur quietly as tears begin to form. “I’ve been feeling incredibly out of control and overwhelmed since that day. And I’m angry at myself for letting him get into my head.”

“Kat, it’s okay. You’re a nurturer. A caregiver. And if I recall, he used to be your friend. It’s not without reason to think you might feel anguish for how his life has turned out. But you need to remember that this was not your fault.Hisactions led to this.”

“I know all of that, but I don’t understand why I’m still feeling this way.”

“What did your husband say when you told him about seeing Mark?” My gaze snaps up to meet his, and I feel like he’s calling me out. “Maybe you haven’t made peace with that time in your life as much as you think.”

Why haven’t I told Nick? Is it really just bad timing?

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