Page 50 of Deprived No More

“Katarina, your emotions over seeing a friend who’s made choices that cost him dearly are completely natural. I think you should also acknowledge your desire for more children is natural. But that isn’t a decision you should walk into lightly. I don’t doubt you’re an amazing mother. But make peace however you can with your past, so there’s more of you available to take care of your present.”

A large tear tumbles down my left cheek. As if in slow motion, it splashes on my hand. Who knew I was carrying so much angst over a time I thought I’d put to bed?

“Think about it. Talk to your husband. Let him in. Then come back to discussions about whether you’re still interested in trying for another child once you’ve healed a little more.”

“Thank you. You’re right. I think I have a lot more work to do.”

I barely make it home before the comforts of my shower beckon. The kids won’t need to be picked up for hours yet. Nick isn’t on-call, and we have nothing on the agenda for this evening. I need to take some time to just be gentle with myself. Find peace.

As I step into the scalding water, I tip my head back and allow the tears to rain down along with the spray from the showerhead. What I expected to be an emotional cleanse has turned into a torrent of suppressed feelings.

I’m still so angry Mark could’ve treated me the way he did, a so-called friend. Angrier still that he allowed his actions to ruin his future. I know deep down, despite his behavior, I care about him. There had to be something horrific lurking underneath the surface to cause him to behave the way he did. Stalking me. Then lashing out at Jake.

I can’t believe I’m still stuck here. This resentment hasn’t allowed me to heal and move on. I need to get this all out. I need to find a way to make peace with all of this once and for all. Overcome by this realization and the overpowering emotions of the last few weeks, I slump down onto the shower floor and curl into a ball.

I have no idea how long I’ve been crying here when I look up to see Nick standing at the shower door, steam billowing out into the room. He’s apparently come home from work early, as he’s still wearing his suit pants and button-up with a heart-wrenching look of concern. Reaching over, he turns off the water before stepping into the shower and squatting down to lift me into his arms. Sitting on the tub’s edge, he holds me tight as he grabs the plush towel from the bar above his head and covers me with it.

“I love you, kitten. We’ll figure this out. I promise. Whatever you need, I’ll give it to you. Just don’t cry.”

CHAPTERNINETEEN

Nick

Finding Kat huddled on the floor, her face looking like she’d been crying for hours, I just couldn’t take it. I almost climbed in there with her, but she seemed to be shivering. I need to step it up. I’ve done nothing to make her feel cared for lately, where she’s bent over backward to meet my needs.

Carrying my now dry but incredibly fragile wife to our bed, I place her down gently and cover her with blankets before stripping out of my wet clothes. Looking at my watch, we still have over an hour before we need to get the kids. Lifting the coverlet, I slide in behind her and wrap her tightly in my arms.

“I love you. I’m sorry. I should’ve listened. I need to be a better husband.”

I feel her rotating in my grasp and loosen to accommodate whatever position she’s jockeying for. Curling into me, I rest my chin on her head as I hold her close, our limbs intertwined. There’s nothing sexual about this moment. My dick may not get the message because my wife is hot as fuck. But she needs to know she’s the priority. That what she wants matters to me.

“Kat, please talk to me. We’ll find a way to make this work,” I try to reassure her. Fuck. I’ll hire a nanny for every day of the week if I have to. I can’t bear to see her upset like this.

“No, you’re right. We need to talk.”

Suddenly, my heart stops. “Why does this sound so ominous?” Pausing momentarily for Kat to answer, I decide to push the conversation along. “How’d it go with Dr. Miller?” I ask, assuming it had to be an incredibly overwhelming morning with him if this is how I found her.

“Good. He’s amazing. He narrowed right in on the real issue.”

I can’t help but pull back and gaze down at her, hoping she’ll quickly volunteer more. “I haven’t made peace with things. I saw Mark recently.”

“What? Where? Why didn’t-”

“I’m sorry. I should’ve told you. I didn’t understand my feelings, and I thought sharing them wouldn’t be helpful.”

I try to remain quiet. To let her disclose whatever she’s willing.

“I felt guilty,” she sobs. “That, in some way, his life is like this now because of me.”

“Baby, you know that’s not true.”

“I know. But I can’t help it. It’s the way I’ve been feeling. Dr. Miller said he thinks it’s because I haven’t truly made peace with the situation. And I think deep down he’s right.”

I pull her back into me, shocked at the direction of this conversation. This was the last thing I expected to hear. Rocking her back and forth, I place kisses on the top of her head. “Whatever you need to do, I’m here. Please don’t shut me out.”

Feeling her move beneath me, I see she’s now looking up at me. “I won’t. You’re the very best part of my life. You and the kids. I won’t deny that I still want the chance to hold a baby who looks up at me with your beautiful eyes and light hair, but that’s not the priority right now. And if it doesn’t happen, I’ll be okay. Thank you for at least listening.” She sniffles.

“I’d do anything for you,” I tell her, pulling her into me again.

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