Page 72 of Deprived No More

“Kat?”

“Oh, I’m sorry. There’s just so much on my mind it’s hard to think straight anymore. Where to start?”

He cocks one sexy brow in my direction and gives me that look. Like he’s given dozens of times before when he’s answered that question.How about we try at the beginning?

“Well, I went to see Mark. I did a lot of introspection and journaling after I left here last. I thought I’d made peace with everything, but obviously, that isn’t true. I expected sadness to haunt me for years over losing Jake. But I was surprised how much rage I still felt. Betrayal.” Trying to relax into this chair, I shift in my seat. Yeah, no use. “I told him how I felt. How hurt and mad I’ve been all of these years. How much I hated what he’d done.”

Reaching for a tissue, I hold it between my hands. I don’t feel tearful but think I just need something in my hands. “I felt like I couldn’t move on without saying it out loud. I’m not ready to forgive him, but I needed Mark to know while I hated his behavior, I didn’t hate him.”

Startling me, Dr. Miller shifts his posture, spine straight, placing both hands down on the desk before looking directly into my eyes. “Kat, that’s tremendous. I applaud you for doing that. I’m so incredibly impressed with how you’ve handled this.”

Wow. I wasn’t expecting this.

“There are a lot of people who decide they can never forgive. So instead, they focus all of their energy on resenting the other person. It steals their joy, keeping them stuck in this negative environment. You acknowledged you weren’t ready to forgive but chose to express your feelings in a healthy way. That’s huge.”

I have to admit, I’ve felt more at peace since speaking to Mark than I have in years. Well, until the texts started appearing again. “I think it would’ve helped me turn a corner, except…”

A strange look crosses his features, and I try to keep cool. I haven’t cried for days. I don’t want to start now.

“I started receiving anonymous texts again.”

“What?” My statement seems to have caught him off guard as he seems flustered.Think how I’ve been feeling, buddy?“When did this happen?”

“A few days before I made this appointment. The day before I met with Mark. I knew I needed to close the door on that chapter of my life with him, and when the texts arrived, it was my cue to confront him and speak my mind.”

Dr. Miller remains quiet momentarily. But this feels different than when he intentionally forces silence in the room to provoke me to share. “So is it Mark?”

“I don’t think so,” I answer quietly. I quickly let my mind drift to the afternoon my boys were running about the house wearing their underwear on their heads, hoping to shift my thoughts to something happy. I cannot continue to allow the disturbing images of Mark’s new life to haunt me. “I don’t think he’s the man he used to be.”

Dr. Miller leans forward, resting his chin on his steepled hands. “Do you have any idea who this might be?” His posture is unsettling. The way he’s leaning in as if I’m being interrogated. This isn’t like the man I’ve shared my deepest secrets with in the past. Why do I suddenly feel on edge?

“I’m not sure. I think someone who works with my husband could be behind it. We’ve had some odd interactions.”

He shoots me a quizzical look. I feel a little self-conscious all of a sudden. Like I need to defend my honor.

“I haven’t done anything but make conversation with him. He’s just said some odd things.”

“Are the police involved?”

“Yes,” I say with my head held high. Finally, I did it the right way.

He gets quiet again, and I’m unsure how I feel about this session. It feels off somehow. I normally find such comfort here. And he seemed to be so supportive of how I confronted Mark. Does he think I’m bringing this drama on myself?

“Why is this happening again? To me?” I blurt. Now I need that damn Kleenex. “How does this happen to someone twice? What is it about me?”

Sitting back in his seat, he seems to resume his usual countenance with me. This immediately puts me more at ease. “Kat, women who’ve been violated are at a much higher risk of having it happen again. Granted, these incidents typically occur to women who have been abused physically, but it’s not a stretch to think it could happen in other ways.”

I sit idle, trying to absorb what he’s saying, hoping the silence will encourage him to speak as he so often does to me.

After a few quiet moments, he continues. “Ultimately, this isn’t about the survivor. You have nothing to do with this. These people are victimizing you. The fact you’ve been through it before may make you appear to be an easier target. You are a genuinely kind person. Given your line of work, it could be misconstrued as something more. But none of that is on you, Kat.”

His words genuinely make me feel better. I know I haven’t done anything to encourage someone to think I’d be interested in an extramarital relationship. Perhaps I was too open with Holden, not knowing him well enough to share my feelings. But none of it equates to wanting to pursue something with anyone other than Nick. That will never happen.

“Do you feel safe?” he asks dryly.

“Yes. Where I’m living now is much safer than when I was living in town alone. And Nick knows about all of it.”

Dr. Miller shoots me another odd expression, and now I’m starting to feel angry. Is he calling me out that last time I was so careless? I’ve never felt judged by him before.

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