Page 500 of Kingdoms of Night

Exhaustion was far preferable to what happened to Tamuz. Whatever he’d done to block Ashtara’s advance had left him bedridden since our return, only waking for moments at a time.

I spent hours by his bedside, reading through the books on light and curses, barely able to focus under the constant urge to check on him, hoping one time I’d find him awake. Instead, he remained out cold, with Iltani’s head in his lap, giving him pleading looks that tore at my soul.

There was nothing else we could do now. Physicians couldn’t examine him by touch alone, and his condition contributed to the waning strength of Mahala’s barrier. My theories had not just failed, but they had put him in danger.

“This is all my fault,” I weeped, teardrops staining the pages I held open.

“Don’t be that way.” Suzianna had returned, bearing a tea tray. “There was nothing you could have done.”

“It was my idea.” I rubbed at my eyes, blubbering pathetically. “It was so far-fetched, but I didn’t care. I told him to do it.”

She set the tray on the bedside table and sat across from me, hand on my knee. “And he did it because he agreed.”

I shook my head, my mouth wobbling. “He didn’t want to, but I pushed.”

“You can’t force a god to obey the whims of a mortal,” she said firmly. “He took the risk because he wanted to, and blaming yourself serves no purpose, neither is keeping to his bedside night and day.”

I let out a shuddering breath. “If only the potion had worked. Why didn’t it work?”

Suzianna went stiff with a cringe. “I don’t know. It probably wasn’t strong enough to meet the curse’s qualifications.”

“What do you mean?”

Her cringe grew into an uneasy grin. “Well, these things are mostly to ease newlyweds into their wedding nights, or reignite sparks for older couples.”

That explained the bold and lusty effect it had on my lowered inhibitions. “And you couldn’t have told me that?”

She grew prickly and defensive. “It’s all I could find that day! How was I supposed to know you needed something stronger? Even if I did, the more intense brews can’t be sold to anyone all willy-nilly! There are laws against that stuff. You’d need to personally commission them!”

“Then let’s do that, take me to where I can get that because I have no ideas left.”

“There was the filtered heavenly light,” Tamuz suddenly spoke up.

“You’re awake!” Startled into action, I threw the book off my lap and crawled over to his side. I aimed to show my relief, greet him with the humor I enjoyed receiving from him. “Have you been eavesdropping on us?”

“Hard not to,” he griped jokingly. “You’re not exactly keeping quiet.”

I huffed out a wet laugh, tears still pouring. “That’s not fair, I can’t tell if your eyes are open.”

Tamuz sat up, stroking Iltani’s head with one hand and reaching for me with the other. He wiped my tears, careful to mind his talons. “Neither can I, with how hard you’ve been crying. You need to stop before they swell shut.”

I knew he aimed to break the tension, but returning the barbed joke just came out in escalating sobs. “How ungrateful, this is because of you.”

“All the more reason to cease torturing yourself, because I hate seeing you upset.” He cupped my jaw, thumb tracing my lips, tip of its nail grazing my nose. “I’m going to be fine, I just need time to recuperate. Shackling yourself to my bedside is not going to make me recover faster, neither is blaming yourself.”

I sniffled loudly.

“Besides, now we’re even.”

I frowned at him. “For what?”

“I saved you from your fall, and you returned the favor.”

It wasn’t the same. He wouldn’t have fallen if I didn’t believe in my ridiculous theory.

“But—” He didn’t give me a chance to argue.

“I promise you, I will be fine. But you won’t be if you continue this way,” he said, firm in his point yet tender in tone. “The only thing I regret about the starlight experiment is putting you in such a position. If there is anything else you want to try before it’s too late, I encourage you to seek it out. Even better, have Baltasar take you to the market, you need a day away from the palace and the problems it houses.”

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