Page 74 of Secrets

“Did he now?” I lift a brow, slowly lifting. She’s quick to put another pillow behind my head. “What else didNikoteach you?”

Jessica releases a huff. “Don’t start. I’m still pissed about everything. The only reason I’m being nice is because you’re all banged up.”

“And when I’m healed?” I hold my breath for her answer. I have a lot to repent for and I can only hope she gives me the chance.

She releases my hand, narrowing me with a look that’d make me smile if she wasn’t so serious. Pulling her legs up as if getting cozy with a cup of warm tea, she tosses the blanket over her legs. “That depends.”

“On?”

“How honest you're ready to be.”

I don’t hesitate. “Whatever you want to know, you’ll know.”

“Then start at the beginning, Red, because I want to hear it all. I want tounderstandeverything. Give me the chance to see all of you so I know who I’m choosing.”

A sharp burn flares up my throat, my eyes following suit. It takes a long time for me to quell my pulse and to swallow down the knot lodge there, but when I do, I spend the next hour telling her exactly what she wants.

I begin with my childhood, explaining how my father abused my mother. How one night he went too far, and murdered her, recruiting me at the age of seven to help bury her in the garden. Later when he was arrested, it was Mrs. Ward who took me in, and Ben who helped me through school. They were also the ones responsible for the remodel of my studio and ran the shop until I was old enough to legally take over.

Then I go into the gritty, darker details that might be a turning point in how she sees me. But again, through tears of listening, she nods, asking for me to continue if I’m up for it. So I do.

Inhaling a deep breath, I count to three before releasing it, as well as my hold on my identity I’ve kept a secret for so long.

“I didn’t like people. And the older I got, the more my disdain grew. There was this twisted urge I used to feel when I would see someone litter, or be cruel to an animal. I wanted to inflict pain. Real consequential pain. One of the therapists I was court-ordered to see while living with Mrs. Ward told me that it could be signs of something more serious and needed to be evaluated for a possible diagnosis. Perhaps my father was struggling with mental illness and I was as well. Unfortunately, I was too preoccupied with another hobby. One that I couldn’t escape from, and would seal my fate.”

I explain how transfixed I became with learning about the medical and toxic traits of plants. How when I realized that they were strong enough to kill a human, I opened a door that would lock as soon as I entered.

“So when did Alexi come in?” Jessica is still in her same position, her legs curled under her and the blanket at her neck. Now that I’ve moved past the more distressing part of my childhood, she leans forward, her interest intense as I continue.

“I actually met Nikolai first. His mother used to come to the shop all the time for weekly bouquets and Mrs. Ward thought it appropriate that we supply the arrangements for her funeral service. Sometime during the event, when I was standing in the back, trying not to be noticed by anyone, he appeared next to me. I understood what it was like to lose a mother, so I simply sat with him in the weighted silence. In the middle of the wake, he pointed to a daffodil and asked me if I knew how dangerous they were. I explained I did, but would need to be prepared—something I most certainly didn’t know how to do.”

And that night, Nikolai taught me. Studying medicine was his passion, but not only in conventional ways. Somehow we became fast friends, and the man introduced me to what would be my new life.

“My father was my first kill, and his death relieved an itch I’d had since my mother passed. Shortly after, however, that itch returned, this time when I found out one of my delivery boys was raped by a grown man who worked at a pool hall not too far from my shop.”

It hadn’t been difficult to lure him in, especially when he was drunk one Saturday night. I used a paralytic on him and began experimenting with how to kill, determining what relieved the incessant itch the quickest. Too caught up, I made my first mistake by leaving the door unlocked, and it was Alexi who found me—there to buy his mother a bouquet to put on her grave.

Jessica blows out a heavy sigh. “Fuck.”

I nod, whatever energy I had at the beginning of this conversation slowly dwindles. “I’ve killed a lot of people. More than you know. I’m not a good person. I’m the safe choice. And if you are wise, you would stay as far away from me as possible.”

Jessica doesn’t stay quiet. She doesn’t sit and think over anything I’ve said. Instead, she looks at me, her blue eyes glimmering with a mischief I remember from first meeting at the bar. “I was supposed to be one of those people you killed.”

“Oh, sweet girl. It was never going to be you. It was always,alwaysgoing to be me.”

“So, how are you not safe for me? Because of your life? I’m a fed. Plenty of people hate me all on my own. You’re not a good person? By whose standards? Sure, rapists and shitty people should definitely be arrested, but I also know the victims and their families see you doing them justice.”

“Don’t defend what I do. We both know it’s not right.”

She shrugs. “Again, I ask by whose standards. I saw what all those people were charged with. I saw the things they did. The world is much better off without them.”

Despite my muscles pulling tight, I force myself to sit up a little straighter. “What are you saying, Jessica? That you can bypass all those things and simply?—”

“Yes. That’s exactly what I’m saying.” She pulls the blanket from over her, tossing it on the side of the chair as she stands, like she exasperated with the conversation. But then she leans over and kisses my forehead. “Besides, you really think I’m ready to forgo those foot rubs? These feet haven’t been the same.”

“You can’t simply forgive me this easily. Don’t you need time to consider everything?”

“Like that’s not what I’ve been doing the past week? Like I haven’t talked to Niko and Alexi and some really nice lady named Selina and her scary ass panther? I have weighed and thought over it all.” She places a hand on mine, her thumb rubbing over my knuckles. “And that is exactly how forgiveness works, Red. You say sorry, you fix the behavior, and that’s it. It’s that simple. I totally understand there is some shit we are about to face together, but you know what, why the fuck not? And why not with you? You deserve to be happy.”

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