Page 104 of This Side of Beautiful

Tears rimmed my eyes at her nickname for me from our rare bonding times. “Mama.”

She hugged me, smelling like I remembered. Dove soap and Pear Glace from Victoria’s Secret. She pulled back. “You look amazing. Where’s that fine man of yours? I thought no one could compare to Adam. I guess I was wrong. One thing I can say you know how to pick a man. Learned from the best.”

“You’ll meet him after the show.” I ignored the dig. “I have to get ready. You have VIP at the show and at the after-party. We can catch up later.”

“I have a surprise.”

I looked past her for my older brother and only saw the film crew. “Where’s Rashad?”

She wrinkled her nose. “Why would I bring my son to a city like Los Angeles when I have a man?”

“Of course,” I said, pasting on a phony smile to hide my disappointment. I wanted to see him. Although he’d told me he couldn’t take time off work, I’d still hoped he would surprise me. I didn’t have beef with my brother. He was always stuck in the middle of me and my mother, and I was determined for that to change.

She returned to the door and pulled someone inside by their arm, and I had to bite my cheek to stop the gasp, since the cameras were trained on my face. “Antwon and I got back together a year ago. I’m sure you remember him. He wanted to speak to you, too. Make sure we can get over the past.”

My heart raced, and I swore if I could have thrown up, it would have shot out of me like inTheExorcist. I couldn’t speak as he grinned wide and hugged me. “Hey, Janae. Long time no see.”

Avoiding eye contact, I nodded and backed away quickly. His touch made my skin crawl, and I looked at Del. “I need to get ready.”

He took the hint and hurried them out of the room, along with the crew. I went to my wardrobe rack, trying to bring back the peace I’d been finally starting to feel before my mother andhim.

I squeezed my eyes shut to stop the flood of memories. I hit the side of my head, trying to shake the horror that I felt then and now. The thoughts wouldn’t stop, and my body started to burn from the inside.

I scrambled to find something in my bag or Frankie’s to cut myself to stop the excruciating sensation. I found scissors and sat on the stool, trying to find a spot on my body that no one would notice. No matter how I cut myself, I would have to explain to Landon, who knew me from head to toe, how it happened. It had to be the tiniest sliver. Then maybe I could focus on my show and get rid of those thoughts of what happened with that horrid man when I was fourteen.

How could she do that to me? What kind of mother taunts you with your abuser?

I yelled to release the clawing pain that covered every inch of my body and slid to the floor, holding on to the scissors, wielding them like a weapon. Frankie rushed back in, followed by Jeri, and on instinct, I held the scissors up to defend myself.

Frankie placed her hands in the air. “It’s me… It’s me.”

Jeri said, “I’ll get Landon.”

“No,” I shouted, holding the scissors flat against my chest. He knew nothing of my childhood or teenage years. What would he do if he knew? He wouldn’t want this fucked-up girl. No one would. I shook my head. “No… no. He won’t understand.”

Frankie inched closer to me. “Then give me the scissors, please.”

“I’m so messed up. Why can’t I be normal?” I screeched and dropped the scissors as I slid off the stool to the cold floor.

She urged Jeri, “Go, now.”

When Jeri rushed out of the room, I crawled to the corner and curled up into a fetal position. My mind yearned desperately to forget, and my body craved release that wouldn’t come naturally, no matter how much I wished it would. The metal coin resting between my cleavage couldn’t help me. Landon couldn’t help me forget.

I covered my head and sobbed at the fork in the road presented to me. Neither path seemed acceptable.

Once Landon had left the dressing room to finish getting ready, I looked at Cedrick. “You know why I need something. You know that it won’t hurt me the way that Landon believes it will. I swear I’m not an addict, but I can’t get on that stage. I can’t.”

Cedrick kept shaking his head. “He’s my best friend.”

I took his hands. “He doesn’t have to know. Landon believes all drugs are wrong. My mother came all this way to fuck with me, and I can’t function. Before you came in here, the pain and nervousness were so bad that I was going to cut myself with scissors. Please. Just a little something. Not enough to get me wasted.”

Frankie sobbed, “Janae, no. You can’t do this to him.”

I kept my gaze trained on Cedrick. “I’m not doing anything. He knows, like I know, a little something takes the edge off, and that’s all I need. I promise not to drink. I’ve been without anything for three months, and three years before that. I have to get on that stage. I have to kill it, or the world will hate me all over again, and Cedrick knows it’s true. Everything we’ve built these last few weeks will be gone because I can’t get on that stage.”

Cedrick’s eyes became glossy, and he opened his mouth and promptly shut it.

Brian pressed pills in my hand. “Take it.”

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