Page 121 of This Side of Beautiful

He let out a slow breath before he continued, “Here, in Austin, it feels like we could really make it. But I keep thinking about what happens when we go back. You love the spotlight. I hate it. You need people, crowds, energy. I would rather be in nature, playing my guitar where no one is watching. I just wonder if our differences are bigger than our similarities. If we make sense outside of this bubble.”

“Are you at least going to consider getting help?” I pressed. “You deserve to shine too, Landon. You keep yourself in the shadows because it is safe, but you are the brightest thing I have ever seen. You are like the crescent moon you love so much. But the full moon?” I spread my arms wide. “That is when it is most beautiful.”

His jaw tensed. “My panic attacks don’t happen enough to be treated. Maybe I’m just not meant for what everyone else thinks success is.”

I climbed into his lap, cupping his face. “That is a cop-out. Jimi Hendrix, Amy Winehouse, Janis Joplin… their struggles didn’t define their greatness. The world saw them for who they were, even when they couldn’t see themselves. And you? You have something special, something no one else does.”

I met his eyes. “People love us together because they know two people like us finding each other is rare. It is like the butterfly, a mystical, fleeting thing. That is what we are.”

His chest rose and fell as he stared past me into the woods.

I blocked his view, and he dragged his gaze to mine. “It’s not just the panic attacks, Landon, although how your body shuts down on you is enough alone to seek treatment. It was scary to watch you go through it. Made me hold up a mirror to how I might appear to others when I’m spiraling. Watching you struggle when I’m not sure you have to is hard. Everything has to be a certain way for you to relax. Life has too many variables to be like that. You walk around with a hat, the guitar, holding on to your pick and who knows what else you do to make it through a regular day. You really don’t like people touching you outside of me at this point. Why do you want to be uncomfortable from the second you step out the door?”

“You can ask anyone on the street if they’re comfortable once they leave their homes,” he replied. “Most would say no. People drink, smoke, use drugs, sleep around, are addicted to their phones or work, and whatever vices they have to cope. We all dosomething. I’ve come a long way from that kid my father talked about because I worked at it, and you’re not going to set me back because your opinion of how I honor my talent is different.”

“What’s wrong with checking out therapy to see if there are other techniques that might work to help you be the Landon that I know and love to the world? You have to promise me if you have another panic attack, you’re going to speak to someone.”

He stared at me blankly.

I nipped his bottom lip. “I’m serious, Landon. I can’t make all the concessions in this relationship. We both come from dysfunctional families, and we have our own issues. I want to break that destructive cycle for our future children.”

“You want to have my babies, which means you can deal with me even when I do things that annoy the hell out of you.” His eyes twinkled.

“I can as long as you agree to seek helpwhenyou have another panic attack.”

“Ifit happens again, I’ll get through it as I’ve always done. I’m fine, Janae. I don’t need the world to see me. I just need you to see me. Besides, I don’t mind performing. It’s the promotional crap I don’t like.”

“Okay, then why haven’t you answered Del about opening the Grammys show?”

He blinked several times before he answered, “Playing that won’t make or break me.”

“No, it won’t. But you’re scared to do it.”

Landon studied my face for a long moment. “Honestly, I don’t know if you can handle the pressure either.”

“I can,” I asserted.

“No, you can’t if we’re being real with each other. You are, in my opinion, the most dynamic performer I’ve ever seen, whether you’re high or sober. You thrive in smaller venues and those intimate settings where you feel the connection. The two times you used were in larger venues.” He cocked his head. “Before this tour, when was the last time you performed to a small audience?”

I reluctantly replied, “Before I was discovered.”

“After that, you were always in these big arenas, intoxicated every single time. A lot of pressure to fill seats and more pressure to make sure you can entertain all those people.” He paused. “You are a people person. The trauma you experienced as a child made you distrust, but when you feel safe you want to laugh, talk, and comfort others. How you’ve been around me and the guys is a person who cares about what happens to us. Hell, I’m not sure you have bipolar.” He gripped my wrist before I protested. “I meant, you may have a lot of the symptoms, but you’ve experienced trauma like I did. Maybe our reactions to our childhoods are what made us like we are. Maybe I didn’t allow anyone but my mother to touch me because even as a toddler or a young child I knew my father was capable of harm. Everything I did was about protecting my space, just like I do now. Maybe growing up in a household where you never felt loved or accepted and then suffered sexual abuse didn’t result in a chemical imbalance, but it changed the way you see the world.”

“What are you saying… that I shouldn’t be treated for bipolar? I shouldn’t perform in big arenas again?” I frowned.

“I don’t know.” He picked up my hand. “It’s something to consider. Maybe the meds don’t work for you because they’re not treating what they’re meant to treat. Or maybe the meds do the job and you’re forcing yourself past your comfort zone unnecessarily. We both know you can handle the smaller venues. You barely break a sweat when you step on the stage. Why can’t we do two or three shows a city in the small venues?”

I narrowed my eyes. “You and me, or me and The Hollow Bones?”

He averted his gaze. “Thinking maybe it’s time for me to go solo.”

I shook my head. “Not like this. They’re your brothers.”

“I don’t know about that. They put a show above your welfare. The band I know would’ve canceled a gig if any of us couldn’t perform.”

“Why are you being so stubborn about this?”

“Because I’d take on the world for you. You’re mine, and my friends should’ve never intervened.” Landon’s jaw was set. He was never sexier to me than when he put his foot down, even if I didn’t agree. He wasn’t budging, at least not right then.

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