Page 127 of This Side of Beautiful

“No one knows but hospital personnel,” my mother said. “Our lawyers put together an ironclad NDA. I am not even supposed to be in here for the first twenty-four to seventy-two hours, but I had to use my power and money for something.”

For once, her obsession with our family’s image had worked in my favor.

Still, I didn’t want anyone to ever know I had been confined to this bed. Except Janae. The need to hear her voice hit me like a fist. She had been my life jacket.

“I just passed out,” I muttered. “Why are they treating me like I’m a threat? Is it because I hit him?”

I could not even bring myself to sayfather.

My mother’s breath caught. She hesitated. “You blacked out in your mind, but in reality, you went into a rage. You started yelling over and over again that you wanted to die. That you had nothing to live for.” Her voice cracked. “You kept screaming until you were hoarse. I had to call an ambulance because you were curled up on the floor, barely breathing.”

She sniffed. Her fingers twisted together in her lap.

“Your eyes were… gone. My baby didn’t exist anymore, and I had to call for help. When they came, you were still muttering to yourself. And when we finally arrived here, you were like this.” She gestured at the restraints. “The doctor was afraid you would hurt yourself because you kept saying ‘death.’”

“What? I really couldn’t breathe, and it hurt so bad that I wanted to die. But I didn’t reallywantto die.”

She shook her head. “Baby, it was much more than that. I should’ve gotten you help when you were a boy. I should’ve realized you needed more than me. I thought you were dying. I couldn’t get you to come back to me. Maybe now you can get help, son.”

“Stop saying that. I’m fine.” The words came out sharp, too quick. I needed to believe them. “I just got upset because he was hurting you, and I couldn’t let him do that anymore. That’s all. I’m fine. I’m fine.”

I kept repeating it, but each time, it felt more like a lie.

“Where is he?”

My mother’s nostrils flared. Her hands curled into fists at her sides. “I don’t know, and I no longer care.”

Her voice was ice.

“He could barely stand, but I threatened to kill him if he didn’t leave. The only reason I didn’t call the police, the only reason he’s still breathing, is because I didn’t want you to be accused of his death.” She exhaled sharply. “Your father no longer exists. He is dead to me.Youare the only one who matters.”

Her hands trembled as she ripped off her sunglasses.

I sucked in a breath.

Both of her eyes were swollen, blackened with deep purple bruises.

“I’m the fool for believing in him,” she spat. “For thinking, over and over, that he’d stop drinking. That he’d finally be a better father. He fooled me for years. He cut down, made me believe we had gotten past the ugliest side of him. Until I chose you. Until I left.”

She shook her head, eyes burning with fury.

“Never. Fucking. Again.”

The hate that she’d just expelled struck me to my core. In that moment, I almost felt sorry for my father. He’d forever lost the woman who’d stood by him through thick and thin. He’d lost the woman he’d loved more than life itself because he couldn’t overcome his demons and had been the devil himself in how he treated my mother.

I opened my hand to hers and held tight when she gripped it. “I’m not going anywhere. My place is huge. Just move in permanently with me, okay? I’ll protect you. I won’t ever let him hurt you again.”

She smiled weakly. “I need to be there to care for you, as well as make sure you’re taking your meds and doing whatever the doctor recommends.”

“I am fine, Mama.” The words felt heavy, but I forced them out. “I’m not going to have another episode. I’ll take whatever they discharge me with, but I’m not refilling anything.”

She searched my face, her eyes wary, but I pressed on.

“I admit that I have to live with anxiety, and I know I have a need to control my environment. But it is up to me how I want to cope with it. Not anyone else.”

As soon as I said it, Janae’s voice echoed in my head.

Her promise. The way she swore she would never use again. The conviction in her voice. And how I had not believed her.

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