Page 129 of This Side of Beautiful

Long after he left, I stared at the door he’d exited through.

July 29

Three days later, wearing my porkpie hat again, I pulled open the doors to the studio, knowing I would find Cedrick working alone in the wee hours of the morning. He loved the piano and keyboard as much as he loved sound engineering. When I walked in the room he looked up, barely nodded, and continued playing around with the bass in one of our songs. It’d been six weeks since we’d last spoken, and before that, we’d never gone more than a day without words in the fifteen years we’d known each other. My electric guitar was still in the booth. I entered, picked it up, strapped it around my neck, and started playing new music inspired by the last few weeks. Cedrick eased back in his chair and nodded with a pleased smile.

When I hit the last lingering note, making the guitar shrill, Cedrick whistled his approval through the intercom.

“I called that one ‘Landon’s Promise,’” I huskily said. My emotions were spent after the last few days, and I needed the sanctity of the booth to help me confront the first person who’d chosen to love me for me.

“For you or for The Hollow Bones?”

We locked eyes through the glass. When he’d posed the same question weeks earlier, I thought it impossible to go solo.

“Depends.” I shrugged.

Cedrick folded his arms. “Say whatever you need to say.”

“Why didn’t you tell me Brian was the one who gave Janae the drugs?”

“Because if I had some, I would’ve given them to her myself,” he answered.

I ducked my head, trying to make sense of what he was telling me. “You know me. You know I would never agree to giving her anything. I left that room thinking I could trust you to do what’s right.”

His nostrils flared. “Yourdefinition of right.”

“The fuck? She wears a sobriety coin around her neck. In what world was that okay? Enlighten me, Ced.”

“Our world. We don’t live a normal life.” He tapped the board with conviction. “When you love someone, you don’t want to see them hurting. Janae brought light into your life. Into all of ours. That day in Del’s studio, I’ll never forget it. The way she let us in, the way she let me in… her vulnerability cracked something inside of me that I am still trying to understand. Janae became my sister. And even now, if she calls and says she needs me, I am there. We all are.”

I shook my head. “She doesn’t need that kind of help.”

“That night, after you left, she begged me.” His voice softened, but the intensity in his eyes never wavered. “She was hurting, Landon. And she knew you couldn’t give her any drug to numb it, because you don’t understand that kind of need. The need to just not feel a motherfucking thing.”

He exhaled sharply, his expression tight with emotion. “Janae wasn’t fiending. That was not what I saw in her eyes. She was drowning. Wounded. Trying to claw her way out of something too deep and too dark. She did not have enough time to find the surface before the show. Before the biggest moment of her career. And why? Because her own mother, her own flesh and blood, decided to rip it away from her.”

Cedrick pushed back from the desk. “I have seen that look in your eyes when you are struggling, and I would do anything to help you. Anything to pull you out of that place. I know what it is like to need something, anything, to take the edge off. To find a way to push through when your mind and body are working against you. I have had my own crutches, my own ways of coping. I am not saying it is the right way, but I also cannot sit here and judge her. Or Brian. I cannot apologize for his decision, but I understand why he made it.”

His chest heaved up and down, mirroring mine.

He crossed one fist over his chest. “But I am sorry, man, for overstepping my bounds because she is your woman, and for doing anything that would make you believe that you don’t mean more to me than this band. I call you my brother because that’s who you are to me. Whether you want to be in Hollow Bones again or go solo, you are and will always be my brother.”

I regarded the man who’d truly been there for me. “In that case, ‘Landon’s Promise’ is for The Hollow Bones.”

Cedrick broke out into a grin as I walked out of the booth. We grasped hands and pulled each other in for a brotherly hug.

Chapter Forty-One

janae

Houston

July 23

When Landon kissed me atthe airport and exited the car, I wanted to chase him down and make him stay. I wanted to hold on tight and never let go of him. To know I would never feel his lips on me, play in his hair, or wake up in his embrace again shattered my soul. We were both so vulnerable that he would’ve turned around and gotten back in the car if I’d asked. He’d become my friend, lover, and rock. My life jacket. We’d been preparing to jam together for the rest of our lives. We’d been growing into that forever love that we sang about, and now we would never be again.

I had already packed up the car so I wouldn’t have to return to my Austin home, that would forever be associated with Landon and the love I’d never thought I would have. I honestly didn’t know if I could return to that house without him. Five weeks of uninterrupted time in which we’d loved freely. Until we hadn’t.

In spite of the heartache and pain, I’d been proud of myself when I dropped him off and headed to Houston to see my family. Landon had given me a choice to be with him, and I’d chosen what was best for me. I couldn’t and had never lived in fear. Every step I’d taken once I left my mother’s home had brought me to where I was today. If I’d lived in fear, I would’ve never left Houston. If I’d lived in fear, I wouldn’t have moved to Los Angeles. If I’d lived in fear, I would still be still hung up on my ex, who’d moved on with no intention of looking back. If I’d lived in fear, I wouldn’t have gotten into treatment and stayed. If I’d lived in fear, I wouldn’t have attempted to get my career back. If I’d lived in fear, I wouldn’t have announced to the world that I had bipolar. If I’d lived in fear, I wouldn’t have allowed myself to fall in love with Landon, and that would have been the biggest travesty of all.

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