Page 134 of This Side of Beautiful

She grabbed the remote and pointed it at the TV. The video started again. It was us, working on her song. Janae stood beside me while I played a few chords, searching for the right one. I had been so focused on my guitar that I hadn’t noticed the way she was looking at me. Her smile was huge and goofy, filled with something so tender it made my heart skip two beats.

Mama’s voice was soft but sure. “Almost every time the camera catches the two of you in the same space, you are either staring at her or she is staring at you. It is magic, Landon. Pure magic. That is why fans could not get enough of you as a couple. Because what you had, what you have, felt real. Genuine. Something we all want.”

She patted my knee. “You keep saying you are afraid when you talk about Janae. What are you afraid of, son?”

I did not answer. I was not sure I could.

She did not push. Just kept going, her voice thoughtful. “I stayed too long with a man who was bad for me because I was afraid of what was on the other side. But I cannot tell you how much I have enjoyed these last few weeks with you. With you and my therapist, I am finding peace again. And that? That is priceless.”

She squeezed my knee. “Whatever decision you make in this life, do not make it out of fear, okay?”

I smiled weakly. “If only it were that easy.”

“It can be if you let it to be.” Mama rose from the sofa. “I’m going to get ice cream out of the refrigerator. You want anything?”

I shook my head as I watched her walk into the kitchen. She did seem happier than I could ever remember. “Hey, Ma. I love you.”

She stopped and turned to me. Her face softened, and she clasped her hands across her heart. “I love you too.”

Settling back on the sofa, with thoughts of Janae swirling around my head, I picked up my phone and called Del.

When he answered, I told him, “The Hollow Bones isn’t cutting anything. Whatever Janae wants to keep and air, she should. This is her story. Not ours.”

“I think she will appreciate that,” he replied. “Is there anything else you want me to tell her? You do have Austin in October, and I need to make sure you two are cool, since neither one of you has gone public about breaking up. We don’t need drama with your second album doing so well.” Our second album had avoided the sophomore jinx and debuted at number three on the pop charts and number one on the R&B charts, and we were the darlings of the critics.

“Naw… there won’t be drama. Tell her that I’m working on being that full moon.”

“Excuse me?” Del sounded skeptical.

I chuckled. “She’ll know what that means.”

I hung up. Maybe, just maybe, Janae and I would find our way back to each other.

September 30

As our Austin City Limits performance neared, the gnawing that had been almost nonexistent after being hospitalized started again. The band and I were back to our regular schedule, although Brian and I hadn’t spoken about what happened with Janae. Memories of that night still evoked sadness and disappointment at the fact that I couldn’t help her and that Brian could. A man who’d been my closest friend besides Cedrick, who seemed to understand and know when to give me space. Maybe that was why he’d kept his distance outside of the studio since I’d been back. Our easy rapport had become stilted. Professionally, we remained harmonious and reconnected without missing a beat. However, knowing that The Hollow Bones would soon be reunited with Janae worried me. Knowing that Brian and Janae would see each other again gnawed at my soul, though I pretended otherwise.

Four days before we were to fly to Austin, I wasn’t quite ready to go home after a long day of recording. Playing at the studio kept me from obsessing over Janae or cyberstalking her. She seemed to be thriving as she continued promoting “Fallen Star” on her own and advocating for people living with bipolar. I still ached for her, and all my newfound attention from women didn’t faze me. I wanted only one woman, and I had no idea if that was even a possibility anymore. Yet I subconsciously saved myself for her.

I was so focused on playing that I hadn’t realized Brian had stayed back, watching me from the board in the control room. He pushed up his sleeves and took the rubber band off his wrist to tie up his locs. A sure sign he wanted to talk.

I placed my guitar on the stand, exited the booth, and plopped on the sofa. He swiveled the chair around to face me, and I maintained eye contact, though I wanted to look away to stop the gnawing.

“Um…” Brian rubbed his hands together. “I don’t know where to start, but I don’t want to go to Austin with this big-ass elephant blocking us from being the friends and bandmates we were.”

“Which one? The fact that you wanted Janae for yourself or that you gave her drugs when you knew how I felt?” I retorted.

Brian’s eyes widened. “I guess I deserve that.”

“We really don’t have to talk. Whether we’re friends outside of the band hasn’t impacted our music.”

“So only Cedrick matters?”

“Cedrick didn’t give her the drugs.” I cocked my head, daring him to give me another reason why we should be friends again.

“Landon… that night, she was hurting. Maybe you can’t understand it, but sometimes life gets you, and you just want it all to go away. And I was scared that the longer she stayed like that, the more likely it would only get worse.”

“I do understand it. Without her, the pain hurts so bad some days I would do anything to not feel, but I don’t.” I didn’t want to mention that my last episode had landed me strapped to a bed, or how I’d wanted relief so badly. “I hated that you gave her Xanax, but it’s more because you did it behind my back. I trusted you, and trust has never been easy for me.”

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