Page 139 of This Side of Beautiful

October 13

Dr. K ushered me into her office, and I promptly removed my shoes, pulled my legs up, and sat with them crossed in her large, comfy chair. “It’s been a while. I’m glad you recognized that I would be here if you ever needed.”

“My emotions were so jumbled the last time we spoke,” I said. “I have more clarity and I need you to be a part of my treatment. I’m back on meds. My bloodwork is up to date. Overall, I’m well. Still doing good, and alcohol and drug free since June. I’ll explain that part later. Became official with Landon and had the best and shortest relationship with him because I wanted more than to have a trauma bond partner. I confronted my mother about the past and I’m completely okay if I never speak to her again. I saw Landon again while we were in Austin last week, and we behaved as friends. Me and my brother are tight. The Hollow Bones broke up briefly because of my decision to use but got back together, and I’m still friends with Frankie and Jeri. Just had dinner with them last night.” I clapped my hands.

Dr. K laughed. “That’s got to be the fastest catchup I’ve ever heard.”

“Yep. Because what I need to discuss today is important, and I didn’t want to get caught up in the details of everything that has happened in the last five months. I wanted to meet with you to make sure my current treatment is the best fit for me.”

She tilted her head. “You’ve been taking your meds as prescribed, and for how long?”

“Started back in May and been consistent since July. I’ve been sleeping okay. The mood swings are manageable, and I’m not impulsive.”

“Sounds good.”

I slightly rocked. “I’m too mellow, and I can’t get the flow I used to have. Because of my dry mouth, no matter how much water I drink, my voice is not as clear as it used to be. I know I need some sort of treatment. I just don’t think this is the right one. I’m working on my fourth album, about to go on tour in a few months. I have to get this right.”

“Have you spoken with Dr. Brownson?”

“I will. I wanted to talk to you first. When I was in Austin with Landon, he brought up a good point. He asked how we know for sure I have a chemical imbalance. Maybe my childhood trauma impacted me the way his trauma impacted him, and that’s why I am what I am. Then trying to balance the chemicals in my brain with medicines may not make sense. Think about how diagnoses change with the cultural norms. At one point, homosexuality was considered a mental health diagnosis that needed to be treated. Then they had that insane diagnosis that said a slave that tried to run away had a disorder.”

“I’m fully aware of drapetomania.” Dr. K sighed. “Maybe you were born with an imbalance that some people can handle, and if you didn’t have the trauma, you could have handled it. Are you trying to say you don’t have bipolar?”

“All I’m saying is that, yes, I meet the criteria for bipolar disorder, and I take treatment seriously. But that’s not all I am. I refuse to deny my reality or dismiss the struggles of others by pretending it doesn’t exist. That would be reckless and unfair. I’ve spoken at high schools about my journey with mental health and substance abuse, and I’ve had students tell me my story gave them hope. That matters.

But I am not just a diagnosis. I am not just a survivor. I am not just the girl with bipolar. I am Janae Warner. A woman. An artist. A person with dreams, love, and ambition beyond a label. That’s what I need people to see. Do you understand?”

She nodded with a smile.

“And I want to keep at it until I find the right mix of treatment for me and live the life I want to have.”

“Janae, you surprise me every time.”

“Well, you’re really going to be surprised when I tell you that I plan to get back out there and date.”

She asked, with an arched brow, “Are you over Landon?”

“I’ll never get over him. He showed me love, respect, and true acceptance, and the sex was always hot. We had the most wonderful time looking at the stars and catching up in Austin. He’s been through a lot with his family and his mental health, and yet he seemed happier than I ever recall. But I haven’t heard from him since a week ago, so I need to move on.” I’d resigned myself to the fact that I couldn’t keep my life on hold for him.

“Is there someone else you’re interested in?”

I shook my head. “Not yet. I’m just open.”

“Then why not reach back out to Landon?”

“I didn’t really go into details about our breakup. Simply put, Landon needed healing as much as I did, but he wasn’t ready to face it the way I was. Until he could truly live in his own skin, free and unburdened, we wouldn’t make it in the long run. He was recently diagnosed as being on the spectrum and with anxiety, and he is determined to manage it without therapy or medication. That is his choice, but I cannot keep moving forward while he stays where he is. We cannot keep clinging to each other’s pain and calling it love.”

Dr. K clasped her hands together. “Are you sure you are not overanalyzing? That has always been one of your biggest hurdles. Either acting on impulse and making reckless decisions or letting doubt sabotage something before you give it a real chance. That was what I was trying to caution you about the last time we spoke. Love, especially new love, can feel intoxicating, euphoric. But without balance, without a real foundation, the crash can be devastating. I wanted you to be mindful of the highs and lows, not to strip you of love, but to help you find one that lasts. If I came across as judgmental, I regret that. My goal has always been to provide you with a space where you can be honest without fear.”

I exhaled slowly, pushing down the emotions creeping up my throat. “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t trust you. Maybe I did feel judged at the time, but I know you have always had my back. I need people around me who will tell me the truth, even when it is hard to hear.”

Dr. K tossed her clipboard onto the desk beside her. “Then hear me now. I saw the reality show. You two weren’t just together. You were in love. And from what I could see, he genuinely cared about you. Yes, there was trauma bonding, and that is undeniable. It may have drawn you to each other. But love is not just about how it starts. It is about whether it can grow.

“How you choose to heal is yours to decide, just as how he chooses to cope is his. Maybe acknowledging his diagnosis is enough for him. Maybe he needs more but is not ready to admit it. That is his journey. The real question is whether you are shutting the door out of fear of repeating past mistakes or because you truly believe there is no future with him.

“Because if there is even a small chance, it is worth exploring before you walk away for good.”

I laughed. “I can’t believe you watched my show. You don’t seem the type to watch reality TV.”

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