Page 141 of This Side of Beautiful

He and I had left our mark on music history that night in Madison Square Garden.

Epilogue

landon

New Orleans

Eight months later

Breathe. In. Out. Pay attentionto the rise and fall of your chest. Remember, anxietyis only the fear of the worst thing happening.

Whatis the worst thing that could happen?

I let out a short laugh.If she rejects me, I’ll behumiliated in front of everyone. But even then, I’mnot going anywhere. And neither is she.

I paced back and forth in our penthouse suite in New Orleans.

Janae was slated to open the Essence Music Festival, and The Hollow Bones were her special guests. We had recorded another hit together, the song that she and Cedrick started in Del’s studio. Though not as massive as “Fallen Star,” “Weightless” had hit number one after a month on the charts. Her fourth album had also gone to the top upon release.

She’d already left for makeup and wardrobe at the Superdome. I would leave the suite and join the guys in an hour. In the meantime, I had to get through this recording.

I dropped down on the sofa and practiced breathing as my therapist had taught me last year. After seeing the changes in my mother and Janae because of therapy, I’d decided to give it a try. I didn’t want medicine, but I did want to see if there were alternative treatments to help with my paralyzing anxiety.

I hadn’t wanted to tell Janae I’d started therapy when we saw each other in Austin. I hadn’t been in it long enough to determine if it made sense for me to continue. But I liked my counselor, a Black man who was a social worker, a few years older than me. We’d seemed to gel from the beginning, and I could open up to him about anything. We worked closely together and tirelessly on managing my social anxiety when I told him I wanted to perform at the MSG show.

He’d told me to focus on Janae, and the rest would come. He’d been right. That night had become the start of my career as a solo artist, though I remained with The Hollow Bones. That night had also been the start of us as an unbreakable couple, determined to do what we needed to do to stay together. We’d decided Austin was the best place for us to live together, though we kept our homes in Harlem and L.A. My mother lived in my brownstone and had started creating a life where she performed more and re-established relationships with her family and old friends.

Like Janae’s mother, my father kept his distance. I liked Rashad and enjoyed it when he and his children made the drive to visit us. We were all becoming a family. He and Frankie were still going strong, and she had intentions to move to Houston in the near future.

I’d even become a guest lecturer at Juilliard during the spring semester, a role I loved immensely. I taught young, impressionable students about piano and guitar. Whatever lingering issues I had with my parents, I still thanked them for pushing me as they had, because I wouldn’t have gone as far as I had if they hadn’t. And I wouldn’t have met the love of my life.

Although I missed my brothers from The Hollow Bones whenever Janae and I were in Austin, we’d all accepted that the only constant in life was change, and if we were going to be as strong as we had always been, then we had to adapt. The band had committed to being alcohol and drug free to honor Janae and me. They’d also changed in other ways. Santiago was in a serious relationship, and Brian seemed ready to settle, too. Cedrick and Charles were self-affirmed bachelors, at least for the time being.

I exhaled, feeling the weight of how much had shifted in just a year.

A rustling sound pulled me from my thoughts. The producer of Janae’s hit reality show adjusted the camera, checking the lighting and audio levels. He glanced up and asked, “Are you ready?”

I nodded and held my guitar as I spoke into the camera. “This is my confession.”

janae

We were on fire aswe wrapped up opening night of the three-day Essence Festival. I loved that we were back in New Orleans and headlining a festival I’d admired and had performed at when I was MILA, which now seemed like a lifetime ago.

Right before our last song, “Fallen Star,” the screen dropped down to show montages of each of us as children, teens, and adults. The crowd cheered for each of the guys of The Hollow Bones like they would any heartthrob group, whose sophomore album had been a popular and critical darling. My reality show had not only given the world a peek into my life on the road, it had also let fans get to know a little bit about all of them.

I’d learned that I couldn’t do back-to-back performances, and touring didn’t appear to be an option for me to maintain stability. An occasional performance or appearance seemed to fit the balanced life I sought. My regimen was an ever-shifting beast, but I could honestly say I had more good days than bad. Even on my bad days, my moods usually didn’t last long because I fought the darkness, and Landon helped me be quiet. And when he became overwhelmed, I knew how to coax him back into relaxation. We truly were each other’s life jackets.

I was dancing and yelling as the montage continued, and I howled the loudest when the screen displayed Landon at different stages of his life, ending at the photo that had started it all for us. The picture I’d snapped of him staring at me, in love.

A ripple ran across the screen, like a film strip caught in a projector. Then Landon appeared on the screen, holding his guitar, his hat cocked backward, allowing some of his hair to show. The crowd went wild as he strummed slightly before he laughed.

“Let me stop before I get into my music. This is my confession. I know most of you have seen Janae’s reality show, and how she never hid how she felt for me. We were here in this very city as our friendship blossomed into love.”

The crowd oohed and aahed.

I searched for Landon, who was no longer on stage, and then my heart thumped hard against my chest.He wouldn’t, would he?

The guys from The Hollow Bones wouldn’t make eye contact from their usual positions on the stage. They were either waving at the audience or looking at the screen. My mind raced with possibilities, and my hands started to tremble. I’d figured sooner or later we would discuss marriage. Or maybe this was him just telling the world what he’d been through.

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