Page 19 of This Side of Beautiful

Our upside-down gazes locked as her words set my heart pounding.

“Come again?” I asked. “You didn’t even know me two nights ago.”

She sighed. “I knew you, Landon. I couldn’t remember your becomes sometimes my memory gets foggy. I’ve been under the influence since I was fourteen and it’s taken its toll on me. Add three years of mostly solitude on top of that. I have to learn how to be among the living again.” She moved to the end of my lounger, tapping my bare foot so she could sit. “After you left your bedroom, I remembered everything that happened last night. I was awful to you, and you never lost your temper or deserted me. Didn’t take advantage of me and even temporarily healed me with that God-awful drink. I scratched you and never once apologized or seemed grateful that you’d saved me from Cash. So, I’m telling you right now, to your face, that I’m sorry, and thank you.”

I touched her back with my foot lightly. “You don’t have to apologizeorthank me.”

“I do.” She smiled sadly before staring out at the pool. “For three years, I’ve been afraid to step back on that stage, scared to be booed. Scared that I would ruin my performance. Scared that my talent was a fluke. Scared I would never feel what I felt again last night. I went from a superstar who owned the charts to the pariah of pop music. I know everything that happened was my fault. I messed with the wrong man and destroyed my career and my relationship because I didn’t know how to handle fame… my greatness.”

I quietly watched her confessing her flaws and mistakes without airs or attitude. She wanted to be honest with me, and I instinctively knew this wasn’t easy for her.

“During the rehearsal, you were the only one who encouraged me and stood up for me. You defended me, though I’d already given you reasons not to. Then you did it again at the restaurant, even after I relapsed. You didn’t just discard me or believe I wasn’t worthy of being saved or cared for.” Her eyes sparkled like the stars above. “I want this so bad. I want the career I should’ve had if I hadn’t allowed my insecurities to run amok.” Janae straightened her shoulders and met my eyes. “I want to perform the right way. Without alcohol or drugs.”

“Have you ever performed sober?”

“When I was a kid.” She looked down at the ground.

“Then be that little kid every time you perform.” I tapped her back with my foot again. “Find that innocent girl who only knew her talent.”

“Don’t think I’ve ever been innocent.” She squeezed my foot, and I tucked it under my leg. Her head jerked back. “Are you so upset that I can’t touch you?”

“Don’t really like people touching my feet.” I averted my gaze to the pool. “I’m sensitive.”

“I wasn’t going to tickle you, but say less. I don’t want to touch your crusty feet anyway.” She believed I was embarrassed by my feet instead of realizing the truth, that I wasn’t comfortable being touched. Period. “I’m not used to rejection from men. Lately, that’s all I’ve been receiving, or at least it’s what it feels like. I didn’t blame you when you told me you weren’t interested. Why would you want a woman who can’t get on that stage without doing something? What would a decent man like you want with a wreck of a woman? Yet, for some reason, I like being around you, like that I can be myself, and I haven’t had that in a long time. So, I figured you could be my guide. Like my moral compass while we’re on this road together.”

I shook my head. “I’m not anyone’s guide. I’m just as uncomfortable as you on that stage. I’m only relaxed when that guitar is in my hand and when a hat is on my head. If it wasn’t for Cedrick, I doubt we would be as big as we are. Maybe I could enjoy life more if I drank or took something.”

“Why don’t you?” She held her hand up. “Notencouragingyou to, just noticed that the other guys have no problems using. Had a bad trip or something?”

“Naw. Don’t want to start something that I can’t stop. So, I live with this uneasiness and edge and do my best to keep it under control. My discomfort is kinda my comfort now,” I admitted.

She quirked a brow. “You were about to have a panic attack at the gala when I called you over, weren’t you? No judgment if you were. I was about to have one before I went inside.”

I didn’t tell her I’d observed her initial nervousness outside the convention center. “Yeah. I don’t do well in crowds or being put on the spot.”

Janae laughed heartily. “I was so determined to get you back for earlier that I called you out. I felt bad once I noticed your eyes and that you had trouble breathing. I’m sorry about that, too.”

I frowned. “No, you’re not. You’re still smiling.”

“What can I say? I’m Petty Patty,” Janae teased.

“Perfect name.” I chuckled.

She squeezed beside me, shifted to her side, and placed her leg across my waist. I stiffened, and she brushed her lips against the center of my chest. “Calm down. I’m not going to jump your bones.”

“Janae,” I warned, my body responding to her sensual touch.

“What?” She snuggled closer to me and kissed my neck. “You smell good. It must be oils instead of cologne.”

“It is, and we can’t,” I protested, though I didn’t move away from her warmth.

She kissed my goatee. “Can’t do what?”

I sighed. “If I’m your moral compass, sex is off the table.”

Janae’s eyes twinkled in the dim light. “I’m not thinking about sex. Just wanted to be next to you. Something about you makes me feel good. Settles me.”

“Then why do you keep kissing me like it’s your right? It’s distracting. Are you always so touchy-feely with a man you just met?” I was trying desperately to keep my lower half from reacting. Her knee was dangerously close to my manhood, and if she moved an inch lower, I wouldn’t be able to control myself.

---