Page 30 of This Side of Beautiful

“No need. We can get a car to drive us tonight. If I don’t see you later, catch you in New Orleans in a month,” Landon said, pushing down his hat. He turned, facing his bandmates, effectively dismissing me.

Suddenly, my victory seemed hollow. No pun intended.

“Hey, Del. The guys went for it. They want to cut a record with me,” I announced through the Rover’s speaker once he answered the phone. “We started working on the song, and I just know it’ll be a hit.”

I’d decided to borrow the vehicle and drive around the city to process my feelings about Landon and why his dismissal mattered so much. Cedrick was a bit nicer, and the other guys seemed to accept me. I should have been happy, and all I could fret about was Landon’s coolness toward me.

The longer I drove, the longer the burning feeling faded. I couldn’t allow a man I didn’t even really know three days ago to make me feel less than. I had to be different in every way from the old me, and being different required that I wouldn’t rely on what a man thought of me to dictate my emotions. I had convinced an award-winning group of men who didn’t trust me to work with me. I should and would be happy and proud of what I’d done today, regardless of Landon’s hot-cold behavior.

“That’s good news, and a good look for you and Hollow. We can hammer out the details tomorrow once we leave Houston and take it from there.” He paused. “The film crew has been looking for you. You’re back home, Janae. We could be getting good behind-the-scenes footage, like of your old house, the schools you went to, your favorite places, and memories, and you keep disappearing. This is your homecoming. People want to know your background.”

“I’ll be back in time for Hollow Bones’ show. We can film me getting ready for that, our planning for the tour, and I can show you my schools and my old neighborhood tomorrow before we head to Los Angeles,” I said matter-of-factly, though I bit back tears that I didn’t have happy memories of favorite places in Houston. Bad things had happened to me there. I lived in L.A. now, but with everything that’d gone down with my career and my last relationship, I wasn’t sure I had a home base anymore. No place brought me comfort.

“Where are you? The cameras should be with you now. It’s a beautiful Sunday.”

“I just left Hollow Bones’ place, and they don’t want to be filmed.”

Del countered, “They agreed to be filmed if it’s related to the music, and if you were negotiating with them about music, the cameras should have been there.”

If the cameras had been there, we wouldn’t have created the start of a beautiful song together, and I doubted they would’ve agreed to do a record with me. I kept those thoughts to myself.

“I call you with good news, and I’m getting a lecture about what I should be doing and asking about my whereabouts. You’re my manager, not my father.”

He cleared his throat. “As your manager and not your father, I spoke to your mother and brother on your behalf. They’re willing to be filmed, and they want to see you. We can stay another day or two to record you reuniting with your family again.”

“You did what?” I tried to temper my tone and language out of respect. “Please, say you didn’t speak to my family without my permission. Del, you’re overstepping.”

“I’m not. Your mother contacted me through the local radio station Friday night because she doesn’t have your phone number, asking why she wasn’t invited to see you perform. I didn’t get the message until this morning. I called her to apologize for the oversight and explained that you were an invited guest to the show. I told her that you were probably waiting to invite her to one of your shows on the road. I also told her we were filming a reality series, and she wanted to be a part of it.”

“Del, if I wanted my mother to see my show Friday or any other show, I would’ve invited her.”

“I know that, but she sounded so hurt, and I couldn’t make her feel worse,” he reasoned.

I pulled to the side of the street and stared out the windshield. “I don’t want her to be a part of my reality series or to be reunited for the cameras. I’m not ready. Not sure if I’ll ever be ready.”

“Your mother seems to be trying, Janae, and as a father who isn’t on the best terms with my children, I know that sometimes all we need is a push in the right direction. I wish someone would help me reconnect with my kids.”

His tone was wistful. I hadn’t known that he had problems with his children. He never talked about his family, and I guessed I’d never asked because he seemed content with his work and life. Still, he couldn’t bring his personal issues into any decisions concerning me.

“Sounds like a ‘you’ problem,” I replied.

“Do I need to remind you for the millionth time that it was your idea to do a reality series following you as you make your comeback? People want to see it all, Janae. Of course they want to see a glamorous world most will never know. But they also want to know if you’re just like them. Even if you’re not ready to talk to your family, I still want to give them a chance to speak. You can get final approval before we release their portion of the video. Then you can do a confessional about your feelings on whatever they decide to say or talk about.”

“You don’t get it. I haven’t even spoken to my mother in four years. I’ve been to hell and back, and she refused my calls. She doesn’t care about me, and my brother does whatever she says. I don’t want people to know that sob story.” I wiped the tears that I hated still fell whenever I thought about the people who were supposed to love me unconditionally.

“That’s exactly why they should know. It’s your truth, Janae. Maybe then people can see why you self-destructed like you did before. Maybe people can understand how a talented and vibrant twenty-eight-year-old has no friends or family. Isn’t this show more than just about your comeback? I thought this was a chance to show people the real you so they can stop judging your mistakes so harshly. I wanted to work with you because of your honesty. I see your determination and can feel your heart. Let the world see and feel it, too.”

“Ugh… I hate it when you’re right.” I chuckled through my tears. “I’m serious, Del. I need complete control on the final cut involving my family. I don’t care what the producer says.”

“I’ll work it out.”

“Then you have my permission to talk to my family, but there’ll be no reunion on camera.”

I hung up and watched from three houses down as my mother, in her Sunday best, carried two plastic bags of groceries from her black 4Runner into the four-bedroom home I’d bought her with my first big check. She looked the same yet different, her pretty, cinnamon-colored face softer than I remembered.

Maybe she’d changed like I had. Maybe Del had been right, and she was hurt that I didn’t invite her to my first show in three years at the rodeo, a place she loved. A place where I’d envisioned I’d perform as a kid, to a packed house with my family in the stands beaming back at me.

In one of her nicer moods when I was a teenager, Mom had told me she’d dreamed of seeing me be a headliner for the rodeo. Maybe she’d realized the error of her ways when I didn’t invite her to the one event where she would’ve loved to see me perform. Maybe she wanted to make amends for not being the mother she should’ve been to me. Maybe she wanted to love me like I’d always loved her.

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