Page 31 of This Side of Beautiful

I waved as if I wanted her to see me as she walked inside and shut the door. “Hey, Mommy. I finally did it. I made Houston proud. I hope you’re proud of me, too.”

I didn’t know how long I wept in the car, too afraid to get out and see if my maybes were correct, too afraid to talk to the woman who’d brought me into the world, too afraid she would trigger me worse than anyone or anything when my sanity needed to be protected.

My phone rang, and it was Del again. Instead of answering, I wiped my eyes and running nose with the sleeves of my sweatshirt and pressed the ignition button.

Confessional

janae

“Did you see that? Yourgirl is trending! I’m still the name in their mouths!” I grinned, leaningcloser. “Okay, okay. I know how it looked Friday night…Wherever MILA goes, trouble follows. I had a little funthat went too far. Landon Hayes, of the amazing HollowBones, thought he had to rescue me. I was aregular damsel for just one night.” I licked my lips. “Isn’t he delicious? Like, look at him and theway he plays that guitar like he’s caressing awoman. Yum.”

I winked at the camera. “Believe me, when this tour is over, and you see us on the road with all the shenanigans, he’s going to be hot boy number one. And no, he’s not my man. Just my overprotective friend who I might be crushing on.” I shrugged. “Can you blame me? He tossed me over his shoulder and ran away with me. I have my very own knight.”

Out of sight of the camera, the producer asked, “How did you feel performing in front of your home crowd after three years?”

“Y’all, I was beyond nervous. I hadn’t performed in three years, and then I got the chance to be in H-Town at the rodeo to debut my comeback. It’s like a legit rodeo with cowboys wrangling bulls right before entertainers like myself hit the stage. I pushed through my nerves and had one of my best performances. It’s already trending.” I smiled at the camera. “It doesn’t get better than that.

“Don’t tell Cash,” I whispered, then laughed. “Okay, he’ll probably see this, and he’s already salty because Landon knocked him on his ass, but I smashed. Not that Cash didn’t understand the assignment. I just had the entire NRG Arena in the palm of my hand. I am thankful for the opportunity to perform at the rodeo and for this tour. Like, seriously. And I can’t wait for this tour. Y’all gonna see that Janae Warner is still a force. I’m just a li’l nicer and a whole lot wiser. Wait… that actually rhymed. A li’l nicer and a whole lot wiser.” I danced in my chair, doing a roll with my hips. “I can’t wait for all the fun, all the music, and all the love.”

The producer said, “Tell them why they should watch your show.”

Pointing at the camera, I said, “I’m telling you this will be the best time you and I have ever had. Taking a quick break and then hitting the road on a tour bus for the next two months. First, can I say The Hollow Bones?” I winked at the camera. “You saw their show on Sunday with me. Pure magic. I hated that I was backstage watching instead of the front row witnessing five fine-ass men who are all single and hella talented. We’re like Snow White, and they’re the five… Okay, they’re not dwarves, and there’s no evil queen. Still, this tour is a fairytale. I’m so lucky that they’re on the road with me. Secondly, we have some tricks up our sleeves as we hit these cities. We’re starting with New Orleans, and y’all know a lot of foolishness is gonna go down in the Big Easy.” I held up three fingers. “I got my girls and glam squad, Frankie and Jeri, who’ll paint the town red with me. Lastly, I have you, my fans. I promise to clown with you when I see you. I also promise to be real with you.”

I gave an exaggerated throat-cutting motion with a smirk. “Dead me on anything that’s not fun, about my music, and on the up-and-up.” I leaned forward until the camera almost touched my face. “This is my journey. Buckle up.”

Chapter Ten

landon

Harlem

March 11

The SUVpulled up beforemy renovated brownstone in an affluent neighborhoodin Harlem near Columbia University. I jumped out and grabbedmy guitar case, backpack, and my rolling bag. I wasgrateful for the solitude of my home after a weekof partying and performing with the guys. My social batteryhad needed charging after the second day in Houston, andwe’d been there for five.

Tours and shows out of the New York area were a necessary evil that we only did occasionally for my benefit. I was a creature of habit. The fast-paced and ever-changing environments, venues, and cities unhinged me. I needed my bubble of comfort everywhere I went. When I performed, I had my hat and guitar and stood on the right of the stage, out of the main spotlight. That was my bubble on stage. My guitar pick was a constant in my pocket. On the road, I had to sleep in rooms with bland colors like white or beige. Too much color overstimulated my mind. We usually leased a home instead of a hotel to meet my need for space so I could unpack mentally and we could play our instruments.

I walked into my multimillion-dollar brownstone. I’d paid handsomely for an interior designer to choose furniture and to decorate my four-story home entirely in white and black. Gray was the pop of color or accent. My house was sparsely furnished. Three bedrooms, including the primary bedroom, contained one king-size bed. The fourth bedroom was my office. It was rarely used and included a desk, two bookshelves, and two chairs. I’d soundproofed the whole house so I could play in any room that inspired me. Sometimes, I’d wake up in my bed, playing my guitar. Or, while cooking dinner, a thought would strike, and I’d have to play. My living area only held a couple of folding chairs, though I’d been there for two years. I didn’t need a sofa when I didn’t plan to have company.

My only TV was in one of the guest rooms, and I’d bought it to keep abreast of the news and the stock market. Numbers and investments fascinated me. Not even Cedrick knew that I’d made my first million three years ago and had earned another couple this year from studying numbers since I was a boy. I didn’t care about the money and figured that the more I earned, the easier it would be to help out family and friends when they were in need. So far, no one I knew needed money.

My thoughts drifted to Janae and how I suspected she would need cash sooner or later if her comeback run didn’t work, or worsened her financial situation.

I pulled off my hat and stretched out on the carpet instead of resting in my crisply made bed. I didn’t want to shower yet, and I didn’t want to contaminate my bed with germs from the flight from Houston. I propped my head on my hands and stared at the glass-paneled ceiling, admiring the reddish gold of a setting sun with thoughts of Janae.

Yesterday, she had waltzed backstage while we were preparing to go on and running through last minute changes with our road crew. She was dressed in a dark suit and wore a cowboy hat, followed by the two cameramen who documented her every step. She greeted The Hollow Bones like we were old friends. She looked good, and though she seemed fully alert, her eyes didn’t have their usual light when she tapped my fist instead of offering me the hug she’d given everyone else, including Cedrick, who’d returned her hug and chatted it up with her.

Del and Janae took some pics commemorating our past and future work together. She smiled politely, and anyone who asked for a selfie and an autograph had their request graciously granted. Del had grabbed two chairs for them to sit on while we did our show. I felt her stare while we performed, but she didn’t appear to look at me when my gaze searched for her.

When we were done, she congratulated us on a good show and told us she would see us in New Orleans. And as she left, her energy whisked away along with her. I was so deflated that she’d ignored me, and I couldn’t express my feelings to anyone. I’d made it clear to the guys and her that she didn’t mean anything when I turned my back on her and focused on the band. Janae had honored that. I should’ve been relieved and not sad that she’d been friendly, polite, and not flirty.

Except I felt horrible. I hadn’t meant to treat her like that. Whenever my emotions overwhelmed me, I’d shut down or ignore them.

Maybe I needed a woman’s attention to make it easier being around Janae. It’d been at least four months since I’d spent time with any. I had the numbers of a few women who were at my beck and call because they liked being with a musician. A musician who had money. They weren’t necessarily groupies, because these women were intelligent, had good jobs, and weren’t hanging on, hoping to become a girlfriend or wifey. These women wanted a good time and were content with the status quo.

I continued to gain peace and clarity as I stared up at the ceiling, watching the day slowly turn to night.

My cell rang, and I reluctantly answered my mother’s call.

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