Page 38 of This Side of Beautiful

“Then you have to be mindful of your patterns with men, Janae,” she advised me.

“Why do you insist on focusing on the negative? I haven’t been with a man in a long time. Give me credit.” I could feel my temper rising. I needed her to believe that I could have a normal life. That I could have love.

Dr. K leaned toward me. “My job is to be real. If you want a therapist who will lie to you, then go ahead. I’ve been with you in the trenches, Janae. I’ve seen you at your worst and how self-destructive you can be. Last Friday was just an example of how wrong it could have gone if Landon didn’t intervene. Love is a powerful drug. You have to be sure you’re not exchanging that urge to use with relying on a man to fulfill your every need. It’s not fair to youorto him.”

I planted my feet on the hardwood floor and stared at the petite woman, who’d been both gentle and firm in her treatment of me. “I respect and trust you, Dr. K, I really do, but I’ve been alone for three long years working on myself. I can’t tell you when I last had sex since I stopped random hookups. Some of Friday night was my need to feel desired by a powerful man. The old Janae would have still found Cash and fucked his brains out once Landon had turned me down. Ichoseto seek out Landon, a man so unlike anyone I’ve ever dealt with. He represents stability and truth. I’m not afraid to say I want to be with him. I’m also good if we only end up as friends. He already gets me. Maybe that’s all I need right now. I can’t remain on an island of one anymore. I have to put myself back out there, win or lose. I can’t be afraid to be me. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.” I hit my thighs with my hands, forcing some of my coffee to slosh from the little hole at the top of the cup. “Sorry. I’m sorry. I’m just tired of feeling like I’m the problem and I don’t have a right to love or to a good life.”

Dr. K adjusted her glasses again and sighed. “No, I’m sorry. You’re right, this is your safe space… your path to healing. I’ve been so focused on you losing your sobriety that I forgot that you have made great strides. Most people who relapse avoid therapy or being honest about using again. You admitted what happened with your head held high. You have been dedicated to overcoming your trauma and substance abuse. So, let’s reset and begin again. We can choose to look at Friday night as a setback… or…”

“As a step in my winding path to healing.”

We smiled at each other.

Feeling heard and seen, I eased back in my fluffy armchair, ready to receive whatever advice Dr. K had to offer.

Chapter Twelve

landon

New Orleans

April 14

I felt a tap onmy shoulder, and I opened my eyes sleepily. Cedrick’s lazy grin greeted me. “We in New Orleans.”

“I can’t believe I slept the whole flight.” Flying unnerved me, and usually, I had trouble relaxing. Talking to Janae until the wee hours of the morning, though we would see each other later today, had helped. My body was too exhausted to be anxious.

Brian leaned over the back of my seat. “Bruh, you were snoring and farting the whole time.”

I laughed. “That would be the man sitting beside you.”

Santiago’s smiling brown face appeared next to Brian’s. “Hey, leave me out of it. I never talk about how you can’t dress worth shit and have never met a barber.” He knocked my hat and bandana off my head in one big swoop. “See?”

Before I could react, Cedrick picked up my hat and gave it back to me. He glared at Santiago, who raised his hands.

“Hey… you good?” Brian asked, his expression full of concern.

They knew I was sensitive about touch and my hat and had never made fun of me. Grateful for my chosen family, I smiled. “Only my brother can do that and get away with it.”

“In that case…” Cedrick pulled me into a headlock. “When are you going to do something with this hair?”

“Hey… hey.” I playfully pushed off him. I slammed my hat back on my head and stuffed my bandana in my pocket. “Don’t push it. I did punch the fuck out of Cash.”

The men roared with laughter before we gathered our bags and took pics with the passengers in first and business class as we waited for the door to the plane to open. We were slowly becoming celebrities. I didn’t believe we had the star power of Janae, but we were making a name for ourselves in the industry just being who we were. I had all I needed growing comfort in my own skin, fellow musicians who accepted me, and a woman who was becoming a confidante and a friend.

As we headed to the SUV that Del had arranged for us, soft hands covered my eyes. I froze at the unexpected contact until she whispered, “Relax. It’s just me.”

I moved her hands from my eyes to around my waist and looked over my shoulder at a radiant Janae. “Hey.”

“Hey.” She gazed up at me with those pretty eyes of hers, wearing a black Hollow Bones T-shirt and jeans that molded to her like a second skin, and I ached to kiss her.

Correction: I ached to claim her as mine until Cedrick cleared his throat. I looked up and belatedly realized that the guys in the band and a small group of people, including Janae’s film crew, seemed amused by our happy greeting. We appeared to be the couple in love that the media said we were.

The heat of embarrassment coursed through me, and I started walking again, practically dragging Janae, who still held my waist. I hadn’t made a statement or asked Del to denounce the reports of our relationship. A part of me believed the rumors would die down on their own, and the other part of me didn’t want to hurt Janae’s feelings. In the course of a month of conversations, I’d learned how sensitive and insecure she often felt regarding herself and her career. Still, I actively ran from the spotlight, and being linked publicly to Janae put me front and center in the public’s eyes.

“Can you slow down?” She tugged on the back of my shirt.

“This isn’t me,” I said. “I don’t want people to think we’re more than what we are. I don’t want to be a fake couple.”

---