Page 47 of This Side of Beautiful

“Dr. K?” My voice sounded extra scratchy. I cleared my throat and tried again. “Hello.”

“Did I just wake you? I called about five minutes ago. We have our appointment.”

I ran my hands through my mussed locks, regretting that I hadn’t used a scarf to preserve my relaxed hair. “Yeah. What time is it?” I squinted to see my cell.

“It’s after three. Is everything okay?” Dr. K and I had decided to have weekly phone sessions. We would have virtual sessions and practice meditation and breathing together if I needed more than a talk. She’d expressed concern that I wasn’t on meds but would be there for me as much as she could.

“Yeah,” I said dully.

“Honesty, Janae.”

Tears welled. “You’ll say I need my meds, and I don’t want them. They make me like a zombie, and I want to feel even if it’s bad. I have to get through this.”

“What’s happened?” she asked in that no-nonsense voice layered with concern.

“The darkness. I can feel it. It’s just so hard when I feel this way. I don’t know what to do or think. I just want the sadness to go away.” I wiped my eyes. “I need to be clear and levelheaded… full of energy and life. That’s the Janae everyone sees. If you can hear it over the phone, how can I pull it off in front of the guys?”

“What did I tell you to do when the darkness takes over your light?”

“Use the dark to reflect and rest, and the light will soon return. There’s a purpose no matter how I feel,” I recited.

“How many hours have you slept in the last week?”

I leaned against the wooden headboard and pulled my knees to my chest. “I couldn’t settle my mind enough to rest until last night. I’ve been too afraid to sleep… scared I would wake up like I just did.”

“What was different? Did you finally fall asleep because your body shut down? Or did you choose to sleep?”

“Landon forced me to relax… to be silent. It worked.” My chest started to expand again. Some light returned to my brain. His hands had been strong and soothing as he’d caressed my feet, and the quiet of the night had lulled me into sleep. He hadn’t woken me until we were two stops from the house. Noticing my lethargy as we stepped off the train, he’d scooped me into his arms and carried me inside. Landon had placed me in my bed, given me the sweetest forehead kiss, and left my room.

“Let’s talk about him for a second. How’s that going?”

“So frustrating.” I chuckled through my tears. “He’s making me wait.”

“I thought you were content to be his friend anyway?”

“I am, but I do want to try him before we permanently place each other in the friend zone, which he seems determined to do. I can feel how much he wants me, but he doesn’t trust me yet. And why would he? He knew me from the past, and I didn’t even remember his name.”

“Don’t count yourself out with him. Let him take the lead on this. You’ve been the aggressor. Maybe it’s time to sit back and allow him to woo you. You’ve only known him for a month. You have time.”

“He said the same thing.” I hugged my knees. “I swear, I hate that I feel like I’m on borrowed time. That I’ll slip into a black hole again, and this time, I can’t climb back out. Time seems to travel fast, and I’m helpless to stop it. This urgency burns inside of me to find love, to get my career back, to fight my demons, to find friends, to not screw up. My mind runs in circles, and I keep myself busy fighting my thoughts. Landon wants me to welcome silence, but I can’t. Silence, for me, means darkness and despair. Maybe that’s why I woke up feeling like I’d been swallowed by quicksand with no branch to save me, though nothing has changed in my life since yesterday.”

“What happened when you became silent? Not what you believe will happen. Whatactuallyhappened?” she asked gently.

I slid back under the covers. “We were on the streetcar, and I watched the passing scenery, and… I… felt peace, and then I fell into a deep sleep.”

“You needed the quiet. Exhaustion also plays games with your mind. Stop running from your thoughts. Face them and challenge them. They might not be as bad you think. You do deserve real love… a healthy love, and he might be that person. You’re no more on borrowed time than the rest of us. Enjoy him and enjoy this journey. But before we focus on your thoughts and this man, I want to know if you’re ready for tomorrow night.”

Tucking the cell against my ear as I curled into a ball, I admitted, “When I first woke up, I wasn’t sure. But when you asked just now, my answer came without thinking.” I grinned, relief coursing through me. “Unlike in Houston, the guys have been fair with me. They’re giving me equal time on the show, and rehearsals have gone well. I’ve been recognized almost everywhere without the madness I experienced at LAX. Sung at this reggae joint and partied on Bourbon without craving a damn thing. Just clean fun. The New Orleans vibe is my jam.”

“Your voice changed. That tells me that when you focus on the possibilities of love and performing, your mood lifts. Let go of any problems you’re facing, at least while you’re on stage. If your anxiety gets the best of you, ground yourself with your coin and remember how much clean, sober fun you’ve had for the past three days.”

I sighed. “It feels like so much longer than three days, in a good way, you know?”

“Because you’re among the living again, and truly living.” She sounded pleased.

“Dr. K, your timing is everything,” I said. “I needed your advice more than I realized.”

“Like you needed sleep more than you realized,” she teased. “I think I like this Landon.”

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