Page 59 of This Side of Beautiful

She tilted back to see my face. “You still don’t know after hearing that I have bipolar?”

“No, I don’t.”

“You pointed out everything I hated about myself. Parts of me I thought I hid, you noticed like it was the most obvious thing.”

“I’ve been invisible for most of my life. I disappear and reappear whenever I choose. My superpower is observation. I kinda have to observe others because I don’t always know the right thing to do in certain situations. I can probably say that no one noticed anything you didn’t want them to see.”

“I was afraid that if you truly saw me, you wouldn’t want me.”

I brushed my index finger over her freckles. “I love all the things I pointed out to you. The reason I hate that you feel the need to use, besides the obvious, is because it hides who you are. I like you as you are, even with the underlying sadness and constant need to move. It’s like what you said tonight, there are sun and clouds. It’s life. I don’t care if you have bipolar, if you have to label what you have. Or if everything you are is just who you are. I was proud of you because you did something that made you happy. You looked so strong and confident and seemed so happy up there.” I chuckled softly. “But I will have to donate that money on Hollow Bones’ behalf. I don’t want to hear Ced’s response. Your pettiness knows no bounds.”

Janae laughed. “I couldn’t help it when I saw you.”

“Remind me not to cross you.” I hugged her tighter.

She kissed my cheek. “I want to stay with you in New York.”

No one had ever been in my space for more than a few hours. I tensed, trying to figure out the words to explain the impossibility of her staying with me without hurting her.

“Is there someone else?” Her tone was no longer gentle.

“Why would you say that?”

“You just went all stiff on me. You disappear when we’re all together. Maybe you’re calling her and checking on her when you’re not around me or the cameras. I’ve been with men with wives and girlfriends, and you’re moving like them.”

“Then maybe you should stay at the hotel if you believe I would handle you like they did.” I bristled at her accusation. How could she still think I was like those other men? We’d spent hours on the phone for a month getting to know one another, and she’d spent nights in my bed. I thought she understood it took me a moment sometimes to respond. I thought she at least trusted me enough not to jump to the conclusion that I had a woman. Was she already pushing me away?

“I don’t know what to think, Landon. I’m trying to follow your lead and take it slow. I want to be with you, and not just for sex. I think we have something potentially amazing, and you pull away every time I feel close to you. I’ve dealt with men—”

I cut her off. “I don’t want to keep hearing about your other men. Iknowyou’ve had men. Very powerful men. Men who command and want attention when they enter a room. The way you do. None of those men are like me.”

Her eyes focused on mine. “I know that. I love that you’re unlike any man I’ve ever been with.”

“You’re saying that now… See if you feel the same in a few weeks.” I tapped the back of my head against the cushioned board, trying to find the right words to make her understand. “There is no other woman. I don’t feel comfortable with people in my space. I just don’t. My home is the only place where I can breathe. Where I can be me, and I don’t have to hide in plain sight.” I stared over her shoulders and out at the balcony, unable to look at her. I feared what I would see in her eyes or her expression. “The Hollow Bones is the only place I fit in besides my home. I never fit in with my parents or in school. Kids used to make fun of me because I never seemed to get it, you know? Catching on to the punch line too late. Not quite wearing the right clothes, or wearing the brand wrong. Fear taking my voice when I least expected it. No girlfriends and no friends.”

Janae pressed the side of her face on my chest, and I resumed rubbing her hair.

“I was the kid who wore a hoodie even in the summer so I could cover my head and pretend no one could see me. I disappeared into my music and spent my lunch in the band room, learning how to play any instrument my teacher allowed me to touch. I was naturally drawn to the guitar. I could control how I wanted it to sound more than any other instrument. My guitar never made me feel bad or awkward that I didn’t get the joke or that girls didn’t pay any attention until I walked on that stage.”

I sighed. “You know how you said you wanted to be the woman who would interest a man like me in Houston? I believe I fell for you right then because I never thought a woman like you would ever notice me. And I’m afraid out of my damn mind that I may be too much for you.”

“Landon.” Janae sounded sad. I didn’t want her pity. She grabbed my chin to force me to look at her, and I refused to meet her eyes. My shame heated my face. “Baby, listen to me. For most of my life, I have been nothing. When your mother can’t seem to love you and your father has been long gone, you can’t help but feel unworthy. I did things to be seen… so I could feel worthy. The only thing that ever made me feel worthy was my talent. Until you. None of those men can hold a candle to you, even in the short time I’ve known you.

“You think I won’t want to be with you anymore once Iseeyou? Well, I have the same fear. That the more you’re around me, the more you’ll run screaming the other way. God help me, I want totry, even if we fail miserably.” She curved her hands to my face, and my eyes slid back to hers. “I see how this life isn’t easy for you like it isn’t for me. You want the quiet, and I run from the quiet, and we both do it to hold on to our sanity and live out our dreams. We get each other in ways no one else does or probably ever will. We both could choose other careers, choices that don’t play with our minds, yet we’re on a tour tempting our mental fate. Why can’t we be insane together?”

My heart swelled with impossible emotion as I gazed at the fire in her glistening eyes. I shook my head slowly, in awe that this beautiful, brilliant woman truly wanted to be with me.

Janae gripped my face harder. “You don’t have to hide in plain sight anymore. Let me be there for you like you’ve already been there for me.”

“Stay with me in New York.”

She nodded rapidly with a relieved smile.

I used my thumbs to wipe her tears and pressed my lips to hers before murmuring, “My life jacket.”

“Life jacket.”

Chapter Twenty-One

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