Page 60 of This Side of Beautiful

janae

April 20

After we made love andtalked most of the night, Landon finally returned to his room to prepare for our busy day. I slid deep under the covers. My thoughts were everywhere, though I was physically exhausted. He’d worn me out in a good way and had exceeded my expectations sexually. Landon had been tested, and I needed to get that done as well. I didn’t want to always use condoms, since we were headed toward a relationship.

Although I knew it wouldn’t change how I felt about him, Landon wanted me to spend time with him in New York at his place to decide if I wanted to pursue a relationship. I also knew the natural high I felt from the hope of new love wouldn’t keep the darkness away. Even now, my mind still warred over whether I was good enough for him or capable of being in a healthy relationship. I hated that I’d accused him of having a woman when he’d been honest, almost brutally so, in our interactions. One of the reasons I adored him was how he moved differently than any man I’d known. He’d been a protector and a friend. I wanted him. I wantedus, and I couldn’t allow my conflicted mind to overrule what I knew in my heart.

I curled into a fetal position, needing to settle my racing thoughts and relax to grab a couple of hours of sleep before preparing for tonight’s show.

Del had other plans.

“Janae, you are hitting a home run,” he greeted me when I answered his call a few seconds later. “Once again, you’re trending. You got the world spinning, trying to figure out what’ll happen next. New tour. New song. New man. Telling ASMI that you have bipolar. I can’t keep up with all the calls and demands asking for you. We need to discuss these new opportunities tomorrow while you’re traveling to Charlotte, when I have more details.”

I smiled at the ceiling. “So, I did the right thing about the bipolar?”

“You did. I was already proud that you’d decided to speak, but I can’t say how much prouder I am that you did such a brave thing.”

“Thank you, Del. That means a lot to me.” I pushed up from the bed and propped a pillow that still smelled like Landon behind me. “Now, what did you really call about?”

He chuckled. “I called about that,andI’m sending you what your brother said about you when he was interviewed for the show. I thought you should see it instead of waiting until after the tour. Please check your email.”

“My brother?”

“Yes. Don’t wait. I think you’ll like what he says. Your mother isn’t ready for her interview yet.”

“Okay.” I hung up, then scrolled through my email and clicked on the one from Del. I pulled my knees up. Rashad Warner was my older brother by a year. We’d been close when we were kids. Over time, we grew apart, and he seemed to always take our mother’s side whenever there was a family disagreement. Eventually, we’d stopped talking.

My finger hovered over the button as I debated whether to watch it or not. My brother had never intentionally hurt me. He’d just seemed indifferent. Focused on running women and hanging with his friends, he didn’t really have time for me. Now, he was a father of three, with two different mothers, and wasn’t with either. I hadn’t seen nor spoken to him or my nieces and nephew in four years.

If I wanted my familial wounds to heal, I had to confront the knife that cut me. I pressed play.

The video started with Rashad in the backyard of the house we grew up in. I smiled at the sight of my handsome brother. His huskiness as a child had firmed up over the years. He had a full, long beard now, and he wore his Dallas Cowboys hat as defiantly as he always had.

He touched the chains of the old rusty swing. “We used to spend hours outside, pushing each other fast and hard so we could fly as high as the sky. She has a small scar under her chin from when she fell off. My mother was so mad at me for letting anything happen to her, Honey-Nae.”

I laughed because I remembered that day. I ran into the house with blood dripping from my chin and scared my mother to death. She yelled and popped my brother on his arm and then bandaged me up. I wiped my tears. At one point, my mother had loved me. So had my brother.

“And my sister used to sing all the time. Lauryn Hill, Jazmine Sullivan, Keyshia Cole. Any singer with a big voice, she sounded just like them. She would sing to me whenever I had a bad day at school, and we would have rap battles she won every single time. She could just flow from the top of her head.”

The producer must have asked what had happened to our relationship over the years, because Rashad suddenly looked away. “Um… I don’t know. Maybe we just grew apart because we live such different lives. When she came back to perform at the rodeo and didn’t call, stop by, or invite us to her show, I realized that somewhere down the line, I’d done something to hurt my baby sister. I wasn’t mad or blaming her for not reaching out. I understood why and was hurt.” He stared into the camera. “Janae, whether they keep this part of the video or decide not to use it, I hope you see it and call me. I have the same number, and I want to apologize for not being the big brother you needed me to be. Love you.”

The video stopped, and I hugged myself. Life was looking up in so many ways because I’d decided to step back into the world. I just had to remember that when the darkness took over, too.

I sent a text to my brother.

Just saw the video. I’m also sorryI wasn’t the sister I needed to be toyou. Promise to call you soon and catch up.

A few minutes later, I received a reply.

Can’t wait.

For now, that was enough.

April 22

After another electrifying show in Atlanta, Landon and I had spent the next two days holed up in my hotel room, lost in each other like we were on our honeymoon. We only left our private haven for a meeting with Del and the rest of the band. By Tuesday, we were back on the road for a performance in Charlotte on Wednesday. The film crew followed behind us in a van. Jeri, Santiago, and I were watchingBlack-ishon the bus, talking and laughing. We were into our second week of the tour, though it seemed like we’d been traveling together for much longer.

When my cell buzzed, I moved away from the group to sit near the front alone to talk to Dr. K. I hated that she hadn’t returned my call until this very moment. I didn’t have the privacy I wanted to really talk.

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