Page 62 of This Side of Beautiful

Confessional

janae

Richmond

April 27

I sat cross-legged inthegreen-screen space in the corner of my hotelbedroom in Richmond. “The calls and comments about my bipolardiagnosis have been so overwhelmingly supportive. I never thought Iwould ever feel comfortable enough to share this with youall. The speech at ASMI was from the heart. Iimpulsively made the decision to be honest after an argumentwith Landon. I can say that we are seriously contemplatinga relationship. Whether he realized it or not, he mademe own up to what I thought I was hiding. He could clearly see how much pain I was inand still wanted to be there for me. I cannever thank him enough for being my biggest support duringthis new part of my ever-winding journey.

“I asked the producer not to be in here during this recording because I didn’t want his presence to alter my thoughts in any way. To be in this place, where I’m admitting that I have the darkest days, I am allowing myself to be vulnerable. Something I don’t believe I ever have been. I’ve got trust issues that stemmed from not knowing my father or having a good relationship with my mother, which makes being vulnerable with Landon or anyone hard.” I paused and nodded to myself slowly. “The only reason I’m being this honest now is that maybe I can help someone who’s been where I’ve been or where I’m currently at right now. Maybe you’re feeling so down and heavy that you don’t want to live anymore, just don’t want to exist, and you have to cut or hurt yourself in some way to know that you’re real.”

I stared at my arms and wrists. “I have eleven tattoos. Five on my arms and wrists and two on my thighs to cover the scars of wanting to matter. If my testimony can help, I don’t want anyone else to believe that they have do this to themselves. It’s not healthy, and it could lead to your wanting to take your own life. Talk to someone you trust, even if it’s not your parents. A teacher, a therapist, or your neighbor. Just tell someone that you’re tired of the pain.”

I glanced around my luxury hotel room from the king-sized bed with the Egyptian sheets, the ornate light fixtures, the plush beige chaise longue, and the large balcony. “I know I’m more blessed than most, so maybe my so-called charmed life may not resonate with some of you who are doing their best to survive every day. All I can say is don’t give up the fight, even when everything in you is demanding that you do it.”

Resting my head on my knees, I lamented, “There are some trolls who have called me a liar and said that I’m hiding behind my mental health to excuse my behavior. Those types of comments were what kept me from living my truth. I had to accept that no matter how much I’m honest or whatever advocacy I do for mental health, some may always believe it’s a publicity stunt. And I can no longer worry about those people.

“For too long, I walked around with this façade that I was okay. I might have seemed strong and didn’t give a fuck. I really did care. I played around with love and got my heart handed to me by a man who wasn’t perfect and had his share of women but loved me the best he could. I thought I had to be hard, and even when I started this whole journey back in Houston, I slipped into being MILA instead of Janae. I don’t want to be that lonely woman anymore, and I believe I’m finally on that path.

“We are almost halfway through this tour, and I can’t tell you how I feel so blessed.” I wiped my eyes. “I’m already changing in ways I never imagined. Spending every day with this phenomenal group of people is shaping me to be a better person… the best person.

“I love Atlanta in so many ways besides peaches and the ten-minute ovation.” I winked, thinking of the hot sex I’d had. “Jammed in Charlotte, and Richmond chanted our name. New York is next with the Big Apple in April. Spring is in bloom. We’ll be in Landon’s and The Hollow Bones’ hometown for almost three weeks. We may have a surprise or two up our sleeves, and I can’t wait.”

I waved at the camera. “Until next time.”

Chapter Twenty-Two

landon

New York

April 29

Myheart swelled with prideevery time I returned home. The one thing my parents had done right was choose New York to raise me. I loved this city. The hustle and bustle of its inhabitants didn’t bother me because I could disappear and reappear, take in a Broadway play on a whim, visit any of the museums, take a walk or a horse ride in Central Park, shop anywhere, and eat the best pizza and hot dogs the city could offer on a dime. Or take a stroll down the brilliantly lit Times Square. A car was an unnecessary expense with the massive train and bus system.

I tapped a beat on the window, smiling as the familiar, crooked skyline with the Freedom Tower touching the brightening sky appeared in the distance. Manhattan. In a city this large, invisibility was the norm unless you made an effort to be seen. I continued to tap a happy rhythm on the tour bus window as we drove in the wee hours of the morning. We would drive into Manhattan on a Tuesday morning as the April sun rose over the largest city in the United States.

The tour had been a certifiable hit. Every remaining show was sold out, and our names were everywhere. The Hollow Bones and Janae had become a trending topic, drawing the kind of attention we had once only imagined. Festival invites poured in. Club appearance requests filled our schedule. Del was even negotiating a performance slot for us at Austin City Limits in October.

After being on the road for half a month, we would stop in New York for twenty days to perform for two shows, the completion of our second album, and our collaboration with Janae. The Hollow Bones were still independent, and Janae hadn’t signed with a label since hers dropped her nearly three years ago. For now, we’d be producing the collaboration independently, releasing it as a standalone single.

When the rising sun greeted me as we rode onto the island, Janae snuggled deeper against my side in the primary bed on the tour bus. We had given her the largest area at the back of the bus, which definitely worked in my favor. Janae hadn’t liked being separated from me after Atlanta, and though I didn’t like being apart from her, I still needed solitude after being around so many people for most of the trip. In fact, Cedrick and Del had worked out the schedule so that we could spend a stretch in New York working on music, and so I could be in my own space and reset. It would also be the first time having someone stay with me in my home. My original reluctance had faded because I had grown used to sleeping beside Janae.

Her knee rose over my morning erection, and I didn’t move it, wanting to feel the pressure of her body on mine. I brushed my lips on her forehead and hugged her to me. Janae was a naturally affectionate person, and I believed that sometimes she touched me unconsciously. I’d become accustomed to and welcomed the feel of her hands and her body in the weeks we’d spent together. Now that I was on my home turf, the urgent need to be with her again overcame me. I placed kisses on her face, her cheek, and her neck. My hand drifted to her bare stomach, where her T-shirt had risen during the night.

I traced the stud that peeked out of her belly button with my finger. She moved my hand under her shirt and guided it toward her naked breast. I rubbed her soft, full orb that fit my palm while my finger teased her nipple. She moaned and writhed as she slowly awakened. I raised her shirt to suck on her stiffened bud and my slid other hand inside her panties, dipping my finger between her legs. Janae was so wet for me and moved against my palm urgently.

She pulled on my head until I released her nipple. I looked up at her. She said, panting, “If you don’t want to fuck me on this bus, you have to stop. And if you do decide to fuck me right now, I swear everyone on this bus will know.”

I chuckled, removed my hand from her panties, kissed her nipple, and then rested my head on her breasts. “We can wait until we get to my place tonight.”

We rode through the city in the quiet of dawn, her breasts my pillow as she caressed my hair. I inhaled her sugary vanilla scent, hoping she could accept me and that what we were beginning to have would never end. I closed my eyes, feeling so grateful for this moment with this beautiful woman. Suddenly, I couldn’t wait to make love to her in my space.

I murmured against her breasts, “Naw… we’re going to my house as soon as the bus stops.”

She ran her fingers through my hair. “We can wait. We’re here for a while.”

“I don’t feel like waiting. Once we get into the studio, we’re not coming out until we’ve finished your song and our album. It’s how The Hollow Bones operate. I don’t want to be distracted by the thoughts of how much I want to have you in every room of my home when I’m supposed to be focused on the music.”

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