Page 93 of This Side of Beautiful

How long had I wanted to hear those exact words coming from her mouth? And she’d finally told me as I was becoming famous.

I gritted my teeth. “It’s been too many years. That can’t happen overnight.”

She nodded. “You always had to have something to touch or in your hand when you were upset. I didn’t want to accept that you needed that more than me.” My mother hesitantly reached out and touched my cheek. “I used to be so mad that you didn’t choose the piano or the trumpet. I’m sorry I never gave the guitar a chance. I’ve never heard anyone make a guitar sound like that. Simply amazing.”

“Thank you,” I said quietly.

She smiled at me with a mother’s pride, the way she’d looked at me when I first learned to play the piano. The way she’d looked at me when she read stories to me at night. The gnawing stopped.

“When are you returning to New York? Maybe we can have lunch or dinner, just the two of us.” She clasped her hands in front of her.

“In a month. We leave tomorrow morning for Minneapolis.”

Her eyes lost their luster. She would be alone. All she’d had was my father. Between her career and his demands, she didn’t have genuine friendships. My grandparents and aunt lived in Pittsburgh. She’d start teaching at the university in the summer, so she couldn’t even visit them for a few weeks.

“You can stay in my brownstone if you need to while I’m gone. I’ll check on you.”

Her lips curved. “I would love that.”

“How did you get here?”

“A car. I can call for another one.”

“No, Janae and I can take you to your hotel.”

When I turned around to the door, she hugged me from behind. I sighed and patted her arms. For now, I had my mother back. Time would tell if I had her forever.

Confessional

janae

I set the phone’s camerato landscape modeand set it on the nightstand, as the producer hadsuggested, since I didn’t want any crew in Landon’s bedroom, where I sat propped up against the headboard. I kissed the coin around my neck, waved at thecamera, and took a deep breath.

“In my head, I call myself crazy at least once a day. It may not be politically correct, or I might get canceled once this show drops, because I believe that I’m a crazy bitch most days.” I studied my manicured nails. “I looked up the word, and it said ‘wildly incoherent or irrational,’ and it also said ‘overly excited or enthusiastic.’”

I refocused on my phone. “Another definition of ‘crazy’ is appearing ‘absurdly out of place.’ If those terms don’t fit me, then I don’t know what other word would. I ask for forgiveness instead of permission for those who take offense, but I choose to embrace that side of me, especially with how I’ve been acting these last few days.

“We’re leaving New York in a couple of hours. Minneapolis and Chicago, I see you. These last three weeks have been nothing short of amazing. Recording and dropping a hit single, fans rushing us wherever we go, getting even closer to my glam squad, the fellas, and my Landon.” I chuckled. “Ya’ll better stop with all those nasty DMs to The Hollow Bones account. Landon doesn’t have social media and never checks the band’s account. And be nice when you see him in public. Despite how hot he looks, he’s really chill and low key. Hates all the attention not directed to his music.”

I pulled my knees to my chest. “The pressures of my success have been a lot, and I go from feeling like the luckiest woman on the planet to a pile of shit underneath someone’s shoe. It has been hard to balance my moods or impulsivity with my hectic schedule. The other night in Brooklyn with my fans could have been disastrous, and it would have been all my fault. Luckily, everything is everything. Shoutout to the staff of Junior’s and my fans who celebrated with me that night. It got a little scary, but I know it was because you rock with me, and I never want to take you for granted.”

Tucking my chin on my knees, I sighed. “I’m at a crossroads because my career has already risen higher than ever before with the release of ‘Fallen Star.’ I can either continue to fly high or crash as I did three years ago. Except the stakes are much higher if I fail again. I’m surrounded by people who care, and I can’t risk losing them.”

Landon’s breakdown had frightened me and forced me to hold a mirror up to my erratic or manic episodes. It wasn’t fair to expect anyone to deal with my attitudes and behavior because of howIchose to cope.

“Because you’ve been on this journey from the beginning, I thought it was only fair to share this with you. Much as I wanted to fight my battle with sheer will, coping skills, and faith, I needed more to function at my best. Medicine may not be the optimal treatment for everyone with bipolar, but I hope it is for me.” I picked up the orangish-brown pill bottle, opened it, and popped a pink capsule in my mouth. I chased it with my Perrier water. “I’m officially back on lithium.”

I then stopped recording before I erased the video.

Chapter Thirty-One

janae

Los Angeles

June 9

If we’d thoughtNew Yorkexhausted us, the rest of the tour had drained us creatively and emotionally. Between photoshoots, interviews, and quick flights in between shows for live appearances on talk shows, I didn’t know if I was coming or going. Sometimes I forgot to take my meds, and I knew that fucked with my moods, nerves, and sleep. I probably needed to set an alarm as a reminder, but then, I didn’twantreminders. It didn’t help that Landon rolled with the punches, no matter my irritability or how fast I moved. He truly seemed to accept my flaws and would rub my back or feet whenever he had a chance to remind me that I needed quiet, too.

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