Page 131 of Ruin

“Well,” I walk away from him and grab my pad. “I designed this.” I show him what I’ve been drawing for my neck. I'm trying to get the details of his hands perfect, but it’s a start.

“I enjoy listening to you talk, do it more.” Declan looks at the design, and I smile. I’ve been getting a lot better with talking, to him anyway, and Lileah. I’m slowly talking more to his parents. Declan isn’t pushing me, and neither is his family.

“Some of the details I’m not liking, but most of it is there, and I’m excited to get it on your skin.” He leans down and gives me a hard kiss. This is what I’ve missed, but before he takes it further, he stops and walks to the dresser to grab a t-shirt, turns to face me as he puts it on.

Why are you not taking things further with me? Is it because of what Robert did-

“I’m going to stop you right there. No, it’s not because of what that fucker did. I don’t want you to ever say his name again. Ever.”

He walks over to me, wraps his arms around my waist, and I place mine on his chest. “I can’t wait to get you in my bed again, the only reason I haven’t is because your wound is not healed yet. If that gets messed up again, then I have to wait another ten or so more days to touch you, and I’m not doing that. Trixie, don’t ever think I don’t want you, because I do. Every time you lay in bed with me, you walk out the shower, fuck even when you’re sitting next to me, I’m ready to fuck you. But your health is so much more important to me, than sex.” Declan gives me a kiss, and I laugh.

“You love sex a lot,” I joke with him.

“I love you more,” he tells me. I don’t say anything, but Declan stares at me for a moment, then glances at my wrists. I haven’t hurt myself since I’ve been here with him.

“While we’re having this conversation about what’s on our minds, I know you like the feeling of cutting, but you haven’t done it, and I’ve not done it to you. How are you?” He asks, putting the rest of his clothes on. He looks at me as he sits on the edge of the bed, and pulls me closer to him to sit on his lap. “Trixie, I need to make sure you’re okay.”

“I am.” I break eye contact with him, and he grabs my face softly and turns it to face him. “I want to cut myself, but not because I’m in pain.” I feel my throat starting to tighten form talking, so I sign to him.But because I enjoy the feeling of it, it’s crazy. When I did it I did it for different reasons, but when you do it, it makes me happy, gives me pleasure, and I crave that feeling, but only from you not from me.

Declan’s hands move over my lower back. “Do you want to cut yourself?” he asks, and I shake my head quickly. It’s not a lie, not once have I thought about cutting myself, but I have thought about him doing it to me, a lot. “Lift your top up for me to look at your wound.” I do, and he places his hand over it, it’s not had any bandages over it for a while, and the Doc said I’m all good, but I think Declan is being extra careful with me.

A part of my understands why he is doing it, but then the other part is saying please touch me. Almost begging for it.

“Promise me if it hurts you will tell me.”

“Promise,” I whisper.

“Then I think I will have you for dessert tonight.” He places his hand on the back of my neck and pulls me in for a deep hard kiss, and I wrap my arms around him not wanting him to stop.

We both pull away from each other when his dad shouts and knocks at the same time.

“Declan, someone is here to see Trixie.” I look over at Declan and he shrugs his shoulders letting me know he doesn't know who it is. We both make our way downstairs, and I see his brothers have come over today, and they’re all looking in the same direction.

As I reach the bottom of the stairs, I move closer to Declan, and take his hand in mine.

“I thought I told you not to come here until Trixie wants to talk to you. Trixie, do you want him here?” Declan asks, and I shake my head. “Words Trixie.”

“No,” I reply.

I didn’t think he would come. If he did he would have come the moment he knew what his wife and her son did to me. He never did and that told me where I stand in his life. I mean nothing, and I know it should have hurt more, but honestly after everything I’ve been through, I know who cares for me and who doesn’t. And the man standing in front of me is a stranger to me, nobody, and I’ve come to terms with it.

“You killed her-”

“I didn’t kill anyone,” Declan cuts him off. “How did she die?” Declan asks. I don’t care, but I want to know if it was painful because I hope it was.

“You had nothing to do with it, but she was killed the way you said. She was crossing the road, and a car hit her, dragged her for a mile before they stopped.” I smile knowing she hurt so much, and my dad sees how happy it makes me.

“Nothing to do with me. So many people die crossing the road, bad accidents, shit happens.” Declan gets off the last step and pulls me with him as we walk closer to my dad. “Trixie, do you have anything to say to your dad?”

“My dad is dead to me,” I say, the most words I’ve said to him.After everything they did to me, you stayed with her. All the pain, the hospital, the beatings, everything you stayed with her. My father would never have done that, but you chose her over me. I don’t have a dad, he’s dead, and I never want to see him again.I wipe the tears away. I never thought I would have to tell my dad to go away and never talk to me. I used to be daddy’s little girl, and then some barbie doll comes and ruins everything. The pain in the back of my throat is burning as I hold back tears which want to escape, but I won’t let them, not in front of him, anyway.

Declan tells him what I’m signing, and dad tries to take a step closer to me, but Declan stops him.

“I’m more than happy to make her request of her dad being dead real. You’ve lost your wife, and your daughter, do you really want to lose your life too?” Declan pushes him a little harder, making him take a step back. “The door is behind you.”

I walk away from them both and stand next to Declan’s dad. I know him and Cain had something to do with her death, he looks over at me, and I smile.

“Thank you,” I whisper to him, and he looks at his wife, before turning to me.

---