Page 36 of Ruin

Forget how sick I feel afterward.

Forget how I want all the pain to go away.

I didn’t see my dad’s car in the driveway. I knew Robert was planning to piss me off.

There’s always a part of me that always thinks I should tell someone – tell the police about him, but it wouldn’t change anything.

No one ever listens.

The bitch knows what her son does to me, and she will never stop him. Because she wants him to be happy. And I’m the reason he’s happy. The way he touches me, rapes me. She thinks that’s normal.

What kind of fucked up person thinks rape is fine?

I look down at my drawing. It’s one of my favorites. There are a few things I still need to do to it, but I can fix it a little later. Right now, just drawing this picture made me feel a little better.

Declan took my other sketchpad off me, and never gave it back. I don’t want him looking through it.

There are images in there that don’t exactly put me in the best light. But then again, I don’t care what he thinks about me.

I stare up at the bright blue sky, and the same thoughts circle through my head.

Would anyone miss me if I weren’t here tomorrow?

Can I survive another year of Robert raping me?

Is there anyone who would listen? Would it be easy to take my life?

I wipe the tear away from the corner of my eye. And the fact I can cry at the thought of ending my life means I don’t want to die.

Not yet. I don’t want my life to end yet. But I don’t know how much more fight I have left in me.

Robert. Now Declan.

How do I fight them both?

My eyes snap wide open when I feel hands on my thighs.

Declan.

He’s leaning over me, stealing one of my earbuds and slipping it into his ear.

That same hand reaches out to mine and takes the joint from me.

“You keep smoking this shit. One day you’ll fall, you might die.”

Oh, how I’ve thought about that moment before. I keep my face blank. He doesn’t need to know what’s going through my mind.

“If you plan on dying, please wait until I’ve had my fun with you.”

And there is it.

The reminder that I’m nothing to him.

Just something to play with when he gets bored.

I feel his hand moving up my skirt.

I didn’t change once I got home, so he has easy access if he wants it.

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