Page 46 of Ruin

Declan’s words, ‘Oh, I will.’ Rest in my mind. What does that mean? Is he going to have sex with me? He won’t rape me, will he?

I turn my head slightly when I see someone sitting next to me. Lileah, God. What does she want now? She says nothing as I continue to draw on my pad.

Her friends talk about which player they would like to sleep with, and the only thing I can think of is that I’m pretty sure they’ve probably slept with all of them, anyway.

“I think Declan will kill them if anyone touches me,” Lileah jokes, making her friends laugh. “I think it will be college when I finally get some freedom from them.”

“You’re going to the same college as them. Still not going to happen,” one of a friend’s answers. I don’t bother learning anyone’s name. I just ignore them.

I continue with my drawing as they talk about a party this weekend which they’re all going to.

Great, a place where Declan, no doubt, will take me, knowing very well I don’t want to be there. He seems to make me do things I don’t like doing. Or he finds ways to embarrass me. I’m not looking forward to this stupid party.

“Is that my brother?” Lileah takes the pad off me, laughing at what I’ve drawn.

I’ve drawn the rink where Declan has killed the team with his blades. He’s standing in the middle of the rink, holding a head in his hand. I haven’t put a face on there. Because in my mind, it’s Robert’s head. This is how I wish his life would end, chopping off the bastard’s head.

“You can really draw. You have an amazing talent.” She hands me the sketchpad back and starts looking at my legs. She’s looking at all the tattoos, she smiles, and then turns back to the rink when her name is called.

“You want dinner tonight and then some fun after?” a player shouts. But before Lileah can answer, Declan slams him into the shield which goes around the outside of the rink to protect everyone from the puck or blades. When he stands back up, Declan slams him into it again, this time harder.

“Talk to her again. I dare you,” Declan shouts at him, which makes Lileah and her friends laugh.

“Good luck getting laid in college,” one of Lileah’s friend jokes and she tells her to fuck off.

They continue talking about the hockey players, and some of the football players. Specifically, which ones they want to sleep with. One of Lileah’s friends says she wouldn’t mind sleeping with Declan because she’s heard he’s like an animal in bed and that he has a big dick.

“Please never talk about my brother in bed, or any of his parts. Actually don’t talk about any of my brothers. It’s disgusting,” Lileah shouts at them.

I stay quiet while I continue to listen to their conversation and finish my artwork. Maybe I might learn more about Declan by listening to their conversation.

One of the girls turns to me. I should really learn their names, if for some reason they’re going to be sitting next to me.

“You can tell us if he’s crazy in bed,” she says, looking at me.

Getting to a clean page, I write.Why do you think I know?

“Because you’re the only girl he looks at. Have you seen how the cheerleaders are around him? I mean, they’re rubbing up and down him all the time.” Her voice comes out a little more bitchy than I think she wanted it to. Someone’s not happy she’s not getting Declan’s attention. If it’s up to me, she can have him.

The only reason Declan is looking at me is to make my life hell. That’s what I want to say, but I keep my mouth shut and shake my head.

I haven’t slept with him. I don’t think I will get a choice, when the time is right he’ll force himself on me, but he’ll make it seem like it’s my idea. He’s good at mind games.

I look over at Declan as he skates up and down the ice. My mind wanders, is he like this with other girls? Or just me? Does he make them feel like shit, too?

I feel Lileah lean in closer to me. “I don’t know what you two are, but he had a fucked up summer. Not just his car going up in flames. Which didn’t help. But this summer messed up his whole headspace. My brother didn’t come back the same as he left. Remember that.” She gets up, her friends follow her to the bottom of the stairs closer to the ice. They talk to Declan, then leave.

I’m not sure why she thought this was important information for me. I don’t care he had a fucked up summer. I’ve had a fucked up few years.

But no one cares about the quiet freak girl.

* * *

Declan’s practice felt like it was going on forever. I’ve never been so bored in my life, and that’s saying something. For a person who likes to spend time alone, as far away from people as I can, this was torture.

Declan told me to wait by his car, while he showered, or I could join him if I wanted. Without answering, I left the rink. Do all men think about sex and nothing else?

Leaning on the hood of his car, I look at the piece of paper which I’ve not opened since he gave it to me. The List. There must be things I’ve already done which will add up. The fucking balance of his car is crazy. There is no way a car can cost the amount he is saying, but I don’t know much about cars. So, he could tell me the truth.

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