Page 93 of Ruin

What Robert is doing is forcing himself on me. Last night I came home from Declan’s house, I'd been there for two days. Two days of bliss, yes Declan punished me for buying a joint from Ash, but being with him and the way he makes my body feel. It’s something so different, nothing I’ve had before. Robert is an evil, horrible person. Soon as I walked through the door, I knew he was going to do something, and he did.

He slammed my face into the wall, made me turn around as he put his hand up my dress, and whispered the words.“You've been gone too many days, and I've missed this pussy of yours.”I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, but dad wasn't home, and my evil stepmother wouldn't have done anything to stop it, because she is a spiteful bitch. It was the first time in a long time I cried when he touched me. Before I used to close off my mind and go to a place where he wasn't touching me, but it didn’t work this time.

Last night, I cried every single time his fingers touched me. Three times, three times, he forced himself on me. I scratched him, slapped him, and tried to kick him. I did everything I could to get him off me, and yet nothing was working.

He wanted to remind me who I belong to, and in my head, all I kept thinking was, I don't belong to you. I belong to Declan. Declan is who I belong to. But nothing was working, nothing. Any trace of Declan I had on my skin was erased by Robert's touch.

I didn't sleep last night, I couldn’t because every time I closed my eyes I felt Robert on me, and I didn’t want to go back there. I showered six times to the point some of my skin is still hurting from scrubbing it so much.

Once I finally got out of the shower, I sat on the cold tile floor in my bathroom and did the only thing to help me feel something other than dirty.

I cut myself, and the second I felt the knife touch my skin, I felt better. How fucked up does it make me? I felt better cutting myself, seeing the blood pooling out of me, not just one wound, but five. And I liked it.

That's how much I hated myself last night, I was willing to cut my wrist five times in five different places.

I should have stopped the bleeding, but I didn't. I couldn't, I wanted to feel it. I craved the feeling of pain hitting me. Every time I was with Declan, he added a letter to his name to my skin, which I now know is finished. So how do I get him to cut me again without sounding like a fucking freak, because him cutting me feels so much better than anything I can do to myself. I want Declan to cut me. I want Declan to let the blood ooze out of me.

It wasn't until I started feeling so lightheaded I knew if I didn't stop the bleeding, one of two things was going to happen. I was either going to end up in the hospital or die.

Ending up in hospital wasn't the best idea, because it was going to have many people asking questions, and again it would be a lot of people not listening or believing me, and dying didn't seem too bad, I suppose.

But yet somehow within me, a voice said,you can fight this. That wasn't my voice. That’s when I knew I'd lost too much blood, because I was hearing my mother's voice telling me to fight, to trust, to have faith, but in who? Declan? Maybe I should. Maybe he would kill him. Maybe I could watch him when he does.

I wrapped my wrists in a towel. And even though I know Declan hates it when I smoke, I had to do something to help me sleep, and not think about Robert. Yet nothing worked, so I came to school today with no sleep.

Sitting next to Declan, we’re listening to the hockey team talking about some game they have this week. I asked to sit with Ash, and Declan shut it down quickly. Pulling out a notepad from my bag, I draw, anything is better than listening to the voices around me.

“And the bitch is back,” I hear one of the team say, but I don't look to see who they’re talking about, mostly because I don’t care. There is no one in this school I care about. “Looks like her nose has gotten better,” he says.

Ah Stephanie is back. I’m not in the mood for her.

“If you're stripping, no one wants to see it,” Lileah tells her, and I finally look up to see what she is doing. She’s standing on the table, and starts slamming her foot hard on the table to get everyone's attention.

What is she doing?

“Is everyone listening? I don’t think anyone wants to miss this one. It’s a good one,” she shouts to get the attention of the people in the back, who are now all standing up and walking over to the table to hear better. “Now we all know Trixie.” My body tenses up, what is she doing? What are those papers in her hand? “The new girl, no one knows anything about her, she doesn’t talk, so how will she tell us anything? But don’t worry, you all have me.” I throw my notepad into my bag, and look over at Declan staring at me. Why is he not stopping this? Does he want to know what she’s about to say? Fuck, what is she about to say?

“Trixie, her mom died, dad remarried to a woman with a son, five years older than her.” She looks down at me with a stupid fucking smirk on her face. “We all gossiped about why she started a new school senior year, hell we all gossiped about which vampire family she had come from.” She looks up at everyone laughing. “To dress and look like her, she knew everyone would gossip about her.”

“Enough!” Declan shouts at her, loud enough to make me jump.

“But Declan it’s for you that I found all this out. To show you she’s not what you think she is,” she snaps her head to face me, and I feel sick, yes, I’m going to throw up, this is a nightmare coming to life.

“Stephanie,” Declan warns, but she doesn’t care.

“She left her old school, and town because she became the whore who was sleeping with her step-brother. How sick does anyone need to be? I even have the hospital report of the baby they were going to have.” She holds the papers high in the air. I stand up and grab her leg and pull her so hard she hits her head on the table, and pull her by the hair, so I can punch her in the fucking face.

She has no fucking idea, what she’s done.

I feel Declan wrap his arms around me pulling me away from her, and before he can look at me, I run out of the cafeteria and straight to my car. I should have told him, I should have told him what was happening at home, but I’m alone, no one believes me. No one ever does.

Punching my steering wheel a few times, I start the car, and before I can drive, the passenger door opens, and I turn to see Ash sitting down.

“No judgement here I promise, but you need a friend, and a smoke I think,” I hear him say. He always asked what was wrong with me, who hurt me for me to be the way I am. Deep down I think he always knew something was not right with me.

Driving out of school, I go to the only place I know no one will find us, the place Ash and I go when we want to be alone.

I hate him, I fucking hate him. I lean my head on the bathroom mirror looking down at my hands and the worst nightmare I could ever think of. You would think my nightmare is being raped every night by the bastard, but no. The two lines are my worst nightmare. He did what he said, he was going to get me pregnant.

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