Page 19 of However You Want Me

This is because of what happened at dinner, which was…

I don’t know what it was. Something one of the staff members didn’t like. Might just have been my face being my face. I can’t remember the details anymore. I’m not even completely sure I’m remembering the right dinner. All the days are starting to seem like the same day.

Maybe that’s what they’re trying to do. Fuck up our sense of time so badly that we don’t know what year it is, or month.

The joke is on those bastards. I know it’s the middle of the year because the room is hot. If it was fall or spring, the room would be freezing.

It’s sweltering now. Sweat drips down my back.

“I have to use the bathroom.”

“No you don’t,” he tells me and I close my mouth. I could scream. I could scream but then I’d be hit again.

“You need to answer the question correctly,” he tells me, his tone condescending.

My ass has gone numb from sitting on the hard chair so long, my bladder full and my legs aching with the pressure of the stack of textbooks.

“What’s the first rule that all students are required to follow?” Mr. Jay glances at the wall as he speaks like he might find a window there. Who knows? Maybe there’s some window he can see that I can’t.

I answer hoping to be done with this. “Rule number one.” We’ve gone over this at least a hundred times. “Do not look at another student.”

“What’s the second rule all students are required to follow?”

“Rule number two. Do not make verbal contact with another student.”

“What’s the third rule all students are required to follow?”

“Rule number three. Do not—” My stomach lurches, and I clamp my teeth together and swallow hard to stop myself from being sick or pissing myself. “Do not make physical contact with another student.”

“What’s the fourth rule all students are required to follow?”

He goes on through his list, and I go on through the rules. When he gets to the end of the list, he starts over at the first rule.

I nearly cry. My throat closing up and tears pricking my eyes.

“I have to pee.” I tell him. “I’m going to piss myself,” I confess.

“No you don’t,” he tells me and adds another book to the stack then presses them closer to my stomach.

I don’t know why I’m being punished, and I know he won’t tell me if I ask. The reason will come down to something I did wrong. Some word I didn’t say right. Some attitude I had while I was answering. It’s not like I can forget the rules. I could repeat them in my sleep, and sometimes I dream about having to recite them in places they don’t belong, like a gas station or at the movie theater. Like one day I might get out of here. Although I’m starting to lose hope.

“The rules,” he says. “When you break the rules we have to break them into you.”

Biting my tongue, I resist the urge to ask which one I’ve broken. My mind instantly goes to the girl. The vision of her.

I haven’t even seen her. I don’t know her name. It’s like he knows my thoughts. It’s not a rule though, I’m allowed to think of her. She’s the only thing keeping me sane. The desire to know she’s okay.

He asks again and I answer the damn questions.

“—make verbal contact with another student,” I say. My stomach is so tight with all the water. If I was anywhere else, I would’ve been sick by now. That’s something I can’t do in this room with this man. If I throw up, he’ll probably start over and we’ll be here for another year, me listing out a sadistic monster’s idea of school rules and Mr. Jay looking bored.

My stomach lurches, and I swallow.

Swallow.

Swallow again.

Am I going to throw up or piss myself? I don’t know which he’s after. I don’t know which will get me the worst punishment either.

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