Page 24 of However You Want Me

That feeling doesn’t last very long after Kelly has shut the door behind her and the sound of her car engine has faded.

I’m left with a sinking feeling in my stomach. It’s a very uncomfortable feeling, and one that I know well.

All of those things I told Kelly about how the past can’t control her—I needed to hear those, too. They’re the same things I heard many times before they sunk in.

I guess I forgot. I guess I haven’t been doing as well as I thought. My hands tremble and I busy them by grabbing a tissue from the box on the coffee table.

Tears have gathered in the corners of my eyes without me noticing, and I feel a release in my chest, as if I’ve been trying to tell myself about my own power and my own control, but I wasn’t getting through. Maybe it took telling someone else to hear them again.

The school...the things they did there...I don’t have to let it control me. I can’t be blamed, of course, for the crimes of other people. And for suffering the way I did. I can’t even blame myself for how the feelings come back and how I forget that those days are long gone, and I’ll never be at the mercy of those kinds of people again.

“I can choose,” I tell myself in my empty office. “I can choose what to do. I have power over my life.”

I repeat them a few more times until they seem settled in my head, then wipe away a few tears with a tissue.

As I toss my tissues into the small trash can by my desk, it starts to vibrate.

It’s not actually the desk or the plastic bin vibrating. It’s my phone in one of my desk drawers.

I take a breath and open the drawer. On the screen is my friend Michaela’s name. My chest lightens at the sight of it. I almost let it go to voicemail, but I answer it, praying for a distraction.

“Hi, girl.” I read somewhere that you should smile when you answer the phone because the other person can hear it. I force a smile and keep my voice uplifted. “What’s going on?”

“Not much,” Michaela must be smiling, too. I can picture it like she’s right in front of me. “I was just thinking about you. We haven’t talked in a while. How are you?”

“I’m fine,” I blurt out, my voice falsely high. Why? Iamfine. “I’m doing great. Did something happen?”

“No,” Michaela says. “No, I just had a feeling that I should call you, so I picked up the phone. It’s funny. I was just walking by a house that reminded me of your old neighborhood. Do you remember that playground we used to go to?” She laughs.

“Of course,” I answer, but the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I move away from the window on instinct, but then I turn to face it and look through the curtains. “Why?”

She answers something about nostalgia but I can’t listen, let alone speak. There’s a flash of a man outside my window.

A man, well a boy, I remember very well from school. He’s only visible for a few seconds before he disappears behind a building across the street.

My entire body erupts in chills and for a moment I swear I think I’m seeing things.

It can’t have been him. Maybe I’m just imagining that I saw him. It’s like Kelly—she reminded me of someone I used to know, but that person isn’t here. My heart rampages as Michaela drones on.

I step closer to the window, moving the curtain to the side. There’s no one there. Nothing but the wind blowing the branches. Michaela is still talking, but I’ve lost track of what she’s saying.

There’s nothing there. Even still I close the blinds and let out a small laugh along with Michaela… what the hell we’re laughing over, I don’t know.

“Anyway,” she says, “you should come out tonight. I’d love to see your face.”

“I’ll think about it,” I promise, and end the call. My hands trembling and my mind taken back ten years ago.

HALEY

10 years ago

Don’t move.

Don’t move a muscle.

Don’t blink or breathe too hard or give any sign that you want to run away.

I keep the thoughts in my head on a loop. There are no other games to play in this place. The only place I can escape to is inside my head.

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