Page 60 of Arrogant Bastard

My heart turns over with love and sadness for what I lost. “She would’ve liked you. But she probably would’ve liked Betty a whole lot more.”

He tilts his head. “She was into computers.”

I nod, the memories of my sister, the way she was before evil touched her, rushing through my mind. “She was so smart, always taking things apart and putting them back together just to see how they worked. She talked my parents into buying her a laptop for her birthday…just before…” The pain builds back up again, but this time with the impotent rage that accompanies the thought of a precious life cut far too short.

Killian’s hands cradle my jaw. “I’m sorry, baby, I didn’t mean to drag this up for you.”

I shake my head. “It’s…okay. The reminder is good.”

He frowns a little. “Is it?”

“It helps me deal with a few things.”

“What things?” he probes.

A different memory slides into focus. It’s not one I like dwelling on. Probably because while my head knows it was wrong, the fire of vengeance burning in my heart remains satisfied with what I did. “Sometimes, when I think about what we did—what I did at Paul and Raj’s party—”

He stiffens. “It wasn’t officially sanctioned, but it was necessary.”

I nod. “But when I think about it, I think of Julia. And I think that if only she’d told me. Or if I’d followed my instincts when I felt something was wrong, like I did with that man at the party, she would still be alive, you know?”

“Faith…”

“I killed a man, Killian. Someone who wasn’t even part of our official op. I shot him in the heart. And I never looked back.” It was my first, and it wasn’t premeditated, and I knew then that it would become one of the many nightmares that would never let go of me. But there was an acceptance in the moment I pulled the trigger that has scared me ever since.

Killian’s hold tightens, forcing warmth into me. “He was raping a child for his own sick pleasure. I know you enough to be certain that walking away would’ve fucked you up even more.”

“But wasn’t that what the training I underwent was all about? For me to remain rational in such circumstances? But I didn’t. I jeopardized everything.”

“No. You don’t know that for a fact.”

“You suspected our cover was blown or that they might be leading us into a trap. And I wouldn’t let you pull us out. What if that’s the reason Ted and Shane were eventually found and killed?”

His jaw turns granite-hard. “Stop it. The op may not have gone according to plan, but we shut the assholes down.”

“Temporarily. Paul Galveston is still alive. Which means the sex trafficking is still going on.”

“That’s not on you.”

His reassurance attempts to lessen my guilt. But inevitably, pain and despair rise again. I missed the one shot that could’ve ended this. And I have to live with it.

Chapter Seventeen

Faith & Killian

Cairo, Four Years Ago

Two hours before the second phase of our op gets under way.

The last time I met our targets, I was sick to the point of throwing up. Only it turns out my nausea is more than just acute disgust with the three men who head the sex trafficking rings.

Last night, while going through final preparations, it finally dawned on me that it may be something more. Something life changing. Hell, as if my life hasn’t changed enough already.

Since then, I’ve done the calculations thirty ways to Christmas, and I can’t find another explanation for my nausea or my no-show period except for the fact that I’m knocked up. A clandestine search on the Internet for dates shows I may be about seven weeks gone.

Sweet Mother of Mercy.

If I believed God listened to me anymore, I would say a prayer. For what, specifically, I don’t know. But I would say a blanket one anyway. Except God and I haven’t been on the best of terms since he abandoned my baby sister to the vile hands of one of his supposedly trusted flock.

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