Page 27 of Always You

She nodded. “Why?”

“I don’t know. No, I do. I don’t want handouts.”

“Do you feel as if you’re not owed anything?” she said. “You fought for your country, Jazz.”

Not this shit again. “Iwantedto be a soldier. It’s what my dad was, my grandad. It wasmychoice.”

“I understand that, but don’t you think you owe it to yourself to accept help now?”

That question lodged itself deep in my chest, a bitter pill I wasn’t ready to swallow. Owe it to myself? I wasn’t even sure what I deserved anymore, let alone what I was owed. I’d gone to be a hero but had become evil and twisted. That was on me. I’d grown to care about friends and the local families too much, left myself open to being vulnerable. I’d done this damage to myself.

Not that Elena would agree with that.

But she wasn’t me.

As the session wound down, I was exhausted and drained in a way that was all too familiar. I left her office feeling as if I’d left something important behind, some piece of the wall I’d built around myself.

Was that the point?

Back in my room, with money worries hurting, the therapy session weighing on my mind, and my first visit to the animal sanctuary looming, it was too much again. I lay back on my bed, the envelope with my financial documents resting unopened on the nightstand, and closed my eyes, everything wrong as I rested—my hair flatter, my beard softer, not long on my neck. In the quiet, I could almost hear my heart beating, a steady rhythm reminding me I was alive, that I had survived. My skin prickled with anxiety as I pushed through this one minute at a time.

Do I deserve for life to get easier?

When I joined a couple of the others in the foyer by the front door, Alex was there, checking something off on a clipboard, and my heart sunk. Not because Alex was there, but because it wasn’t just me going for this internship with the animals. Why would the shelter choose me over Raj and Daniel who seemed further down the path to being themselves than I was?

Raj and Daniel were chatting, and I hovered. Then, Alex led the three of us out of the front door and to the left. I stopped dead in my tracks. The air outside hit differently, carrying with it the scents and sounds of a city that hadn’t stopped moving even when I had. My heart hammered, and for a moment, I was lost.

I could remember the last time I stood across the street, watching this place from a distance, trying to muster the courage to step inside. How long ago was that? Days? Weeks? Time had become a blur, and the world outside seemed larger and more intimidating. I felt dizzy.

Someone touched my arm.

Alex.

The familiar touch, the way he curled his fingers into my jacket, his eyes bright with emotion, made me want to bury my face in his neck and hide. Would he smell the same? Would he taste the same? Would he hold me when I cried and never judge me? I should go back. I should run. It wasn’t safe here.

There was too much hope, and I didn’t want to hope.

“The coffee over there is the best outside of our fancy-ass machine,” Alex interrupted my spiraling thoughts. Then, he rambled about coffee and beans and God knows what else. His hand was still on my arm, and I leaned into the touch, aware that Raj and Daniel had stopped walking and were talking as if it didn’t matter that I’d turned into a statue in the middle of the sidewalk.

I remembered how, standing on that street, Guardian Hall had seemed an impossible place, but now, I wanted to go back inside.

Where it was safe.

“… so, then Marcus was telling me it was a good investment, and I wasn’t going to argue with him. I mean, have you ever tried arguing with him? He’s a stubborn ass.”

I took a deep breath. I felt the cool air fill my lungs, steadying the tremor in my hands and the flutter in my chest. If I didn’t pull myself together, there was no way I’d get to work with the animals.

I wanted that.

Alex released his hold on me, and we continued walking, the city unfolding around us with its myriad paths and destinations. Raj peeled away first, ducking into an electronics store buzzing with neon signs and the latest gadgets.

“Raj works part-time here,” Alex explained, and then, Daniel made a beeline for a squat gray building. “And Daniel started at the library last week.”

“So, wait… they’re not with the animals?” I asked with caution.

“Nope, that’s you,” he said with a smile. Then, it was only us walking side by side in a silence that wasn’t quite comfortable, but not entirely awkward either.

Our steps led us to a gate hidden down a side alley that was adorned with a sign readingGuardian Animal Shelter.

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