Page 124 of Don't You Forget About Me

‘You had?’

‘Oh man, Georgina, I wanted it all from you. I would’ve switched to Newcastle to study, you only had to say the word. But that was it. YOU had to say the word.’ Lucas smiles, uneasily. ‘I took the page out of the folder where we’d first flirted, in those notes. So that I’d always have some sort of physical proof you’d liked me. Do I sound like a serial killer?’

I laugh, but I’m heartsore.

‘And I knew Richard fancied you. He wasn’t the only one, much to my chagrin. There was a lot of laddish conversation in PE changing rooms. He always boasted he could have you anytime he liked, that you were “into him”. You can imagine that once we were seeing each other, I wanted to decapitate him.’

Lucas raises his eyes to mine.

‘So, Georgina, it’s even worse than you think, because I knew. I knew when he took you by the hand and walked you out of the party what his intentions probably were, and I did nothing. I could’ve spared you that whole ordeal, and I didn’t. For what? So people didn’t laugh at me? So you weren’t embarrassed by me making a scene, maybe even chucked me for it? Because I wanted to test you? Because I was worried in that moment, you’d choose him? Yeah, all of those reasons, and particularly the last one. That’s my character moment. And you paid for that.’

‘It’s not your fault,’ I say. ‘And it’s not your character. It’s a shitty thing you were caught up in and I know for a fact, your character is the instinct to stand up for people. Look at how you’ve been since we’ve worked together.’

‘Now it’s like I’m pushing you into reassuring me it wasn’t my fault,’ Lucas says, rubbing his forehead. ‘It was, Georgina. It was partly my fault. Let it be.’

‘Hah, you sound like my counsellor. I didn’t tell her the whole truth either. I told her I’d gone with another boy and hated myself for it. I think I believed it. It’s taken me so long, Lucas, to say: it wasn’t my fault. When you say it was your fault, I know you mean it, and that means a lot. But I think it’s only one person’s fault, and he’s not here worrying about his blame, whatsoever.’

‘I have such an overwhelming urge to pay Hardy a visit in a rusty Bedford van in the middle of the night, with Dev’s friend of a friend, “Dean The Cunt”, you know.’

I laugh, I actually manage a big hoot.

‘You never considered going to the police?’ Lucas says, quietly.

‘No. His word and my word. Everyone would’ve backed Richard’s version up. And the hotel, that would’ve come out, and imagine how that would’ve been used against me.’

We glance away from each other, awkward for the first time.

‘I wish I’d gone to you,’ Lucas says, haltingly. ‘Not forthat.So I could’ve been there for you, listened. Everything could’ve been different.’

Could’ve been.

I shrug. ‘That’s nice to hear. For me, not reporting it means I’ve felt guilty that he might have done it again, and by not speaking up, I dropped those women in it.’

‘Once again, that is not your fault. At all.’

‘I bet he’s not thought about it once since it happened, you know.’

‘I think you’re right. Scumbag. And his band was shit.’

I smile and Lucas smiles back. I want to hug him but I don’t know my rights.

‘Do you mind if I ask you something I always wondered?’ I say. ‘It’s a bit personal so no worries if you don’t want to say.’

‘It’s the night for personal, shoot.’

‘As I said, it would’ve been my first time, that night of the party. If we’d stayed over together. Would – would it have been for you too?’

‘Oh. Yes. Quite pleased that wasn’t already obvious, to be honest.’

He smiles and I smile and blush and I think honestly, Georgina Horspool – you’re thirty.

‘I’m sorry what we had got destroyed. My memories of you are really great memories,’ I say.

‘Same here,’ Lucas says.

‘Whatever you thought,’ I say these words rapidly, before I can chicken out, ‘I was head over heels in love with you and only you, Lucas.’

‘Same here,’ Lucas says. ‘And what you said about protecting me, when he was attacking you. The shame that I didn’t do the same for you will stay with me forever. I wish I could’ve saved you.’

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