Page 83 of Don't You Forget About Me

‘No, you chucked him for wanting the rights and time and emotional space of a boyfriend while insisting he wasn’t ready to be a boyfriend, wasting your energy and stopping you finding someone who does want to play that role in your life,’ I say.

‘You are very articulate for one so party ready,’ Clem says.

‘That’s true,’ Jo says. ‘But … do you think someone can change?’

Clem meets my eyes with a ‘uh oh’ expression.

‘Rav, you know the answer to this sort of thing,’ Jo says.

‘Hmm, well. Professionally my answer is yes, people can address behaviours, and choose not to repeat them, if they’re willing. I’d be out of a job if they couldn’t. Personally, I’d say no one ever changes in essentials. Your character is your character.’

‘So I have to figure out if Phil’s problem is behaviour or character.’

‘You have to pull someone else and move on,’ Clem says.

‘Hi. Whose is whose?’ Lucas counts out the drinks, as everyone looks up at him with interest.

‘Clem,’ Clem says, shooting a hand out to shake his, after the last drink is set down. ‘I don’t think we met at G’s stand-up night. What do you think, Lucas? Join our philosophical conversation. Can anyone ever change?’

‘Can anyone ever change?’

‘Yeah,’ Clem says.

I bury my face in my drink.

‘My view is no, definitely not. How’s that? Too nihilistic?’

‘My kind of boy,’ Clem says, and I widen my eyes at her.

‘And why do you think that?’ Rav says.

‘In my experience, whatever you call “change” is finding more out about someone’s nature. But it was always there.’

My exposed skin prickles.

‘Having a real laugh for your birthday, then?’ Lucas adds, and Rav guffaws.

‘How much is that?’ I say hurriedly to Lucas, pointing at the drinks.

‘I’ll stick it on a tab, make it right tomorrow.’

I have a premonition that this tab won’t materialise, and Lucas is looking after me. ‘Enjoy. Oh, and happy birthday,’ he says to a gratified Rav.

‘Good lord,’ Clem hisses as he retreats, and Jo says: ‘Wow, he is so good looking it’s quite nonsensical.’

‘Telling me. I think my cervix just dilated,’ Clem says, and I hiss: ‘SSHHHHHH SHUT UP OH MY GOD.’

Why didn’t I consider this could happen? They’d not noticed Lucas on the Share Your Shame night, so I’d forgotten, become complacent.

I have to find a way to say: I am not interested in this man and yet he is completely off limits to you forever, no questions allowed.

‘Oh my God, why did you never mention him?’ Clem says, as her eyes track him back round the bar.

‘Actually, I did,’ I say, in a low voice. ‘Guy from school?’

‘Waaaait. He was in our English class?’ Jo says. ‘How do I not remember him?’

‘This is the one who can’t remember you?’ Rav asks.

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