Page 38 of If I Never Met You

‘I think whenever they fail, we focus on what specific people did wrong within the system, overlooking the fact that the whole institution’s rotten and dysfunctional. I don’t think it works – cohabiting, monogamy. I mean, I think itworks,practically – halving the cost of living, getting a mortgage, raising kids. I can see why capitalist society wants us to organiseourselves that way. Then the government doesn’t have to find you full-time nursing care when you have the massive stroke, because someone stood up in a church and told a God they didn’t believe in, fifty years ago, they’d wipe your arse.’

‘Wow.’ Laurie said. ‘I wish someone would write their own vows and use those exact lines. I pledge to keep your bum cleft clean. Certainly better than that “I will always make your favourite banana milkshake” BS.’

Jamie laughed, a body-shaking laugh, and she could see he was taking to her, perhaps more than he expected to. She wanted nothing from him, and she was bright, his equal and dry of humour. These things might be a novelty, given who he romanced.

‘But worksemotionally,makes you happy?’ Jamie said, swirling his drink. ‘Not so much. It’s usually a fostered dependency on someone you slept with and felt briefly passionate feelings for in your twenties, and you feel guilty moving on once its time has passed. In fact, that guilt is often the trigger for putting the roots down, tying yourself into it, convincing yourself it’s as good as it gets. I’ve best-manned a few weddings where that is the exact description of what’s going on. It’s the least romantic thing imaginable. Yoking yourself to someone you’ve been having the same disappointing missionary with since Fresher’s Week.’

Laurie twinged hard at the direct relevance.

‘Great best man!’

‘Hahaha. I left the part where I think marriage is a grotesque harmful sham out of the speech. No, I mean, I don’t push my controversial views on other people. Live and let live.’

‘But you were in a relationship in Liverpool?’

‘Ah. Nah. She wanted it to be that, and I thought a semi-regular cop off was a semi-regular cop off. I’m very … upfront about my priorities since that experience. Leaving any room for doubt can go badly.’

Laurie was equal parts fascinated and repelled by Jamie’s cynicism.

‘I think long-term relationships are the most potent demonstration of Sunk Cost Fallacy you’ll ever see,’ Jamie said.

Laurie picked up a small handful of dry roasted and threw them into her mouth. She only noticed, on chewing them, how wildly hungry she was. ‘Meaning?’

‘The definition of Sunk Cost Fallacy is a refusal to change something that makes you unhappy. You won’t, because look at the time and money and effort you’ll have wasted if you do. Which of course only means more waste.’

Had this been what Dan decided?

‘Well. Happy weekend to me. You’re as much fun as falling into a barrel of tits, aren’t you!’ Laurie said, and she and Jamie both burst into loud, alcohol-fuelled laughter.

Jamie paused. ‘None of this is remotely personal by the way, not as if I knew you and Dan as a couple.’

‘None taken,’ Laurie waved her hand. ‘What about falling madly in love though? Don’t you make any allowances for that?’

‘I do, I only hope it never happens to me. It looks from the outside to be a temporary heightened manic state during which you do yourself all kinds of damage and make reckless promises you can’t keep.’

‘Hahaha. I guess it’s that too.’

‘That’s all it is, I’m sure of it.’

Laurie had no comeback that didn’t seem pitiful, given her circumstances.

‘Hey. I hope poor Gina, twenty-nine, from Sale isn’t looking for a soulmate, if she’s meeting guys like you?’

‘Oh, I’m pretty confident that’s not the kind of mating she’s looking for,’ Jamie said, with a wolfish knowing glance, and Laurie said, ‘Blee.’

14

‘I’ve had an absolutely mad idea, while at the bar,’ Jamie said, and Laurie sincerely hoped it didn’t – shock, horror – involve getting naked. She would feel both embarrassed for him and dismayed by him. ‘It’s either a fit of divine inspiration or the stupidest notion ever to spring into a human mind.’

‘High stakes, here,’ Laurie said, bullishly, but she cringed. Him setting it up like this meant it was potentially embarrassing if she said no. She’d not had so much as a hint of sleaze from Jamie, but, well. That might be the secret of his success.

‘You want to get back at Dan Price? Realistically, unless you mean the kind of revenge that could see you getting sent to prison, that will involve making him angry, bewildered and jealous, am I right?’

‘Yes …?’ Oh God, hewasgoing to try it on?I’ve got a fiendish plan, it involves you sitting on top of me. What’s in it for me? Oh, merely the joy of seeing you prevail over this terrible gentleman.

‘I need to show my conventional settledness to get this promotion.’

‘Yeeesss …?’

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