Page 41 of If I Never Met You

‘Here you go,’ Jamie flagged a Hackney. ‘I’ll email you over the weekend?’

‘Yes! Thanks.’

It was only as the cab pulled through the streets that Laurie noticed the pitfall in this plan, the part that didn’t suit her, at all – she hated being a scandal. She was an intensely private person, maybe because her parents, in different ways, were such a show.

Plus, they had some significant credibility hurdles to clear.

Which was going to be harder, persuading everyone Jamie Carter could settle down, or that Laurie Watkinson could fall for a Jilly Cooper-level cad?

15

to: [email protected]

from: [email protected]

Hi!

As discussed here’s how I thought the arrangement might work. Obviously feel very free to say either, no, these are the ravings of a lunatic, or suggest any guidelines of your own.

As said, we’d start next weekend (how you fixed to take a photo in a bar, early doors Saturday?) and then run it up until Christmas. We can work out the break-up details in the New Year. God this is civilised compared to actual relationships, huh?

1) Not that I’m saying this is our professional speciality, but – the way to make a lie work is to mix in as much truth as possible. In terms of origins story, let’s say we got trapped in a lift and hit it off during a drink afterwards. Mick can verify. And hey that’s essentially true, right?! (Right?

2) We’ll bung up Instagrams and Facebooks on a roughly weekly basis and generally make it clear we’re having a better time and are more smitten than anyone has been since Taylor and Burton. Without the fights, drinking, giant rocks and remarriages. OK, maybe with the drinking. We’ll try to keep it as tasteful as possible obviously, and no public mucky talk or anything too ripe. Neither of us want to return to the smoking wreckage of where respect for us once stood, once it’s over. All posts to be pre-approved by both parties. (Oh and none of that ‘Snuggling up, hashtag blissville’ stuff! Brings me out in a rash)

3) No seeing anyone else during the period of the ‘relationship.’ No public wooing. No PDAs. Being cucked is very much not the look either of us are going for here. I’ll delete my Tinder. No, no need to thank me for this extraordinary sacrifice

4) This might be the sticking point, but, for this to work for me I kind of need us to go to the Christmas party, as a couple. Misters Salter and Rowson’s beady eyes will be firmly on that event & it’s the one major on-premises showcase for our Coupled Upness. I know you’re not much of a one for the company do (Michael told me that too) (think you may have a fan there, FY to your I) (no bagging him off with him until you’ve finished fake dating me thanksbut it’s the prime opportunity to make sure this gets results – for both of us

5) Oh, last point, but vital. The way secrets get round in good faith is everyone thinks they can tell someone they trust, and that one person trusts someone else, and so on. I propose we tell absolutelyno one, not a soul, that this is fake. Zero risk of exposure, peace of mind for both participants. Consider this a Non Disclosure Agreement for afterwards, too. We never talk about this not being real.

Whaddya think?

Jx

Hi Jamie,

All sounds good, except the CHRISTMAS PARTY?? oh GOD I’d rather tour the Helmand Province in a day glo unitard.

Lx

L,

Haaah, I did think you’d object. It is quite a harrowing experience.

I don’t mean, you know, making out while you sit in my lap. Just arrive at the same time, sit next to each other, leave at the same time.

Jx

Argh.OK, we have a deal. NO KARAOKE THOUGH

Lx

A deal, but Laurie had already decided to break the rules.

‘Look at us in a garden centre on a Sunday, we’re officially wholesome, middle-aged and deeply heteronormative,’ Emily said.

‘Don’t non-hetero conforming people go to garden centres on Sunday?’ Laurie said, unclicking her seatbelt.

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