Page 42 of If I Never Met You

‘The cool ones don’t.’

Emily had announced she wanted to do things with Laurie that weren’t pubs, bars and restaurants.

‘Otherwise I will have helped you out of a broken heart and into cirrhosis. What could you not do, when you were with Dan, that you wanted to do? Ring the changes. Enjoy your freedoms!’

‘Erm … he was funny about indoor plants. And especially flowers. He said they were amputated dying things merely giving the illusion of life. Little did I know they were a metaphor for our relationship, har har. I had to fight for the potted palm in the front room. And he was heavily allergic to anything with fur obviously, so that ruled pets out.’

‘OK well pick something Dan made difficult, and do it. Or get it.’

‘I’m not sure I want a dog; I’m not ready. Maybe a cat. But then I’m the single cat woman cliché.’

‘Plants and flowers it is then. Aim for “Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Elton John!” kind of levels of foliage.’

Inside they got a shallow trolley and Laurie filled it with bright flowers in pots and kitchen garden herbs.

‘This is very therapeutic actually,’ she said. ‘Can we look at the Farrow & Ball tester pots now? I love them.’

‘Knew it. You are a natural home maker. I am a natural home wrecker.’

This was the perfect conversational opening to outline the Jamie Carter Indecent Proposal to Emily. When Jamie said ‘one person’ was always the leak, he surely didn’t mean loyal female best friends unconnected to their workplace. But no need to spook him by querying it.

Laurie paused, expectant for the delighted cackle.

‘You’re not going to do it, are you?’ Emily said, pulling them to a halt in the Paints And Painting Accessories aisle.

Laurie did a small reel back.

‘What? I thought you would be SO into this. It’s like a public relations campaign on steroids. As a life experiment.’

‘That’s why you should take me seriously when I say don’t do it.’

Laurie was so startled she could only blurt:

‘Why not?’

‘Because, for one, it’s lying. I know that sounds quite superstitious and I can’t be more specific. But it’s lying, and lying goes wrong. Lying is just bad karma.’

‘Em, you old hippy! Can Mrs “I won’t travel anywhere where I get fewer than three bars on my phone or fewer than four stars on my hotel”be talking like this?!’ Laurie was a mixture of amusement, incredulity and slight worry at this unexpected take. She took Emily’s advice seriously. Apart from the stuff about hench dipshits.

‘I know, I know,’ Emily said. ‘But I’ve got rid of anyone who’s ever worked for me who has lied, immediately, and I’ve never regretted it. You’re not a liar, which is why you shouldn’t get involved with a big bout of lying. It’s not you.’

She hit on something that bothered Laurie from the start of hatching the Jamie plan and still niggled her now. That everyone saw her as utterly status quo, conventional. It had never mattered before, this strait-laced identity, because she was that, and she was content. To discover no one would accept her as anything else? Unwelcome. Emily was payingher a compliment, and yet it was the first time she had made her feel worse.

‘That’s what appeals to me. Being like me doesn’t feel good right now.’

Laurie fiddled with a tiny tin of Mole’s Breath and put it back again. Maybe she should repaint the whole house, from top to bottom. ‘As for being fired, I can’t be fired for pretending to date a colleague. I mean, how could they ever prove I wasn’t dating him? The bosses have no say in what I do out of hours, if it’s not illegal.’

‘Hmmm. Then, what if, when you’re feeling vulnerable, and this player is pretending to be into you, you start falling for him for real? A romance that is like a sugary high from cake icing calories and stardust and make believe is going to screw with you. If he doesn’t.’

A harried-looking couple joined them and Emily and Laurie moved away, a tacit agreement to save the rest of the conversation for the journey home, and went to pay for Laurie’s greenery.

Outside, Emily blipped the alarm on her Mini with the key fob, and threw the tiny boot open.

‘All I’m saying, Loz, is I don’t think some man pretending to feel things he doesn’t feel and you pretending to feel those things back sounds like what you need right now. Are you sure he isn’t into you, and this isn’t some completely meta way of pulling you?’

Laurie hooted with laughter and Emily huffed, ‘Oh yes, that’s ridiculous, and what you’re suggesting is completely sane. I mean, ofcourse.’

‘It would be funny if you knew him. He’s practically fending them off with a poison-tipped umbrella, he’s no need for long game scams with sad older women. Meanwhile I’m about ten years away from being able to look at another man. And if I was ready, Jamie Carter would not be that man. He’s one of those preening egotists that only a twenty-four-year-old would crush on and think she’s going to marry. Which is probably why he dates twenty-four-year-olds.’

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