Page 43 of If I Never Met You

‘Is being his date going to bother Dan that much, if he’s such a fanny rat fool? I mean, maybe it would upset Dan if you picked up with his best friend, but not this guy? I am not suggesting you do that, either.’

Emily had taken against this project, wholly, instantly and instinctively, and it seemed nothing was going to change her mind. But then, itwasridiculous, Emily was right. Launching a fictitious relationship for Dan’s benefit was nothing like healthy moving on. It had ‘end in tears’ all over it. The thing was, it was starting in tears. Laurie was ninety-eight per cent tears. She suspected she’d always be part tears, now. She had nothing to lose.

Laurie shrugged, as she fitted the penultimate plant into the boot. She’d have to hold the fern on her lap.

‘I don’t know if Dan being bothered is achievable,’ Laurie said, feeling drained and empty as she spoke. Jamie had been sure, but he hadn’t been through what Laurie had. ‘I don’t know if he cares enough anymore. But if anyone’s going to bother him, it’s Jamie Carter. Great nobsman of our age, and a professional competitor. Dan already can’t stand him because they all think he’s pushy at work; it’s perfect. If Jamie gets hispromotion he’ll be Dan’s boss. Oh God, now I think about it, please let him get the promotion. This is a single goal win for Jamie Carter and adoublewin for me.’

Laurie felt a little grimy at saying this and yet, she could hear a little more of her old self returning too. She could be irreverent, confident and funny. Not simply some wet blanket who had smothered Dan.

‘Mmm,’ Emily said, mouth twisting at the word ‘win.’ ‘Is he online? Show me a picture of this vainglorious idiot.’

Laurie pulled a glove off and swiped at her phone, stabbing at the Facebook app, searching through her friends. Jamie had added her after the lift night. It was to help the deception, though she suspected he’d smoothly send a request to any woman he’d marked interesting/useful. The twenty-first century equivalent of flipping your business card into her hand.

‘Here.’

Laurie proffered her iPhone, waited forthe hmmm I don’t see why he thinks he’s so specialsniff, disclaimer. No one could survive this build-up, especially with a cynical woman in protective mode.

Emily was silent for a second, swiping. She turned Laurie’s phone on its side, landscape mode, chewed her lip. ‘Oh.Oh.’

She handed the phone back.

‘OK. Yes. You’ve convinced me. Do it.’

Laurie was momentarily stunned. ‘Are you joking?’

‘No. No offence, but I didn’t think what passed for fit at Salters & Rowson would mean someone that fit. He’s got that sulky mouth, stubble, square jaw thing I love. Brrrr.’

‘He’s clean shaven at work. He’s also got glasses that appearand disappear, now I think about it. He’s a Talented Mr Ripley schmuck, isn’t he. He was probably known by another name, with a long story about being an orphan, at his last firm.’

‘I dunno about that but he looks like aGQcover. He should be on a speedboat in Rimini. And good God, he knows it. But then, would it be possible to not know it? We shouldn’t place unreasonable expectations on him.’

‘I won’t ask what we should place on him.’

Emily pulled a one eye shut, tongue loll gurn face. Laurie started gurgling with laughter, drawing looks from a family nearby trying to cram panels of wooden trellises into the rear of a SEAT Ibiza.

‘Dan will be in a tatty heap,’ Emily said – God, Laurie realised, the 180-degree swing was genuine, the Jamie Carter Effect was real – ‘I couldn’t pass that up. I can’t in all conscience tell you to pass it up. Have fun. Don’t fall for ideas of fixing any lost boy fuck boys, though. Don’t start to believe the love of the right woman could cure him. It’s bound to cross your mind at some point.’

Laurie blanched, but was very pleased to have Emily back on board.

After they got into the car and belted up, Emily said: ‘You know when you’re sick, if you get up, shower, dress, put your make-up on and act human, you can feel much better?’

‘Yes?’

‘It has an impact on how you feel. If you play act being loved up with this man, you may well get happier. But sooner or later you’re going to get mixed up in it. You’re going tostart wondering if you’ve started to mean it, or whether he has. I don’t want it to make you anxious, for you to get hurt.’

‘I’m not some suggestible fifteen-year-old! Seriously! You think we’ll hold hands for two minutes and I’ll start humming Taylor Swift songs and browsingELLE Wedding? Looolll.’

‘You may laugh at me, Watkinson, you often do. Doesn’t make me wrong.’

‘Also this man is a take no prisoners nihilist. It’s not a case of his heart needing to be in it. I don’t think he has one.’

‘How will it work, the relationship?’

Laurie went over the M.O. again and Emily said: ‘You should be done up to the nines for the first date.’

‘Oh thanks, instead of old Mrs Miggins here shambling up.’

‘No, you’re beautiful as you are but if this is Operation Mindfuck for Dan, no stops should be left unpulled out. You don’t show off, and this calls for showing off. I’ll get you a hair appointment at the salon I’ve started going to in town.’

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