Page 92 of If I Never Met You

‘Is that what it is? You go off someone once they fancy you back?’

Emily nodded. ‘Kind of, yeah. I choose things that I know will short circuit. There must be some psychological blockage or self-loathing, else why do I hate myself so much to sleep with someone like him?’

They both glanced back at the tomato art.

‘You’ve had a scare,’ Laurie said, ‘But some of this is bad luck, playing the odds. Sooner or later you were going to encounter a nutter.’

‘Guess so. With my incredible numbers.’

‘I didn’t mean that!’

‘I know.’

‘Can I ask something? Do you think the thing with men is, you’re frightened of needing someone, of relying on them?’

Jamie had given her an insight.

‘Yeah, maybe?’ Emily said, pulling her hair off her face.

‘You always got the horror at your mum being so reliant.’

Emily had the most suburban, timid parents Laurie had ever met, and her mum used to have her housekeeping cash for the week put in a biscuit tin by her dad. In a way, no wonder Emily came blazing out of it like a comet. Her older sister had moved herself to Toronto, aged nineteen.

Emily sniffed. ‘I met a man through work recently and he asked me out and I said no, as I could tell he wanted a girlfriend. I liked him, but I thought, I’ll only mess it up. And: better I reject him and he carries on thinking I’m unattainable and great, than finds out the bitter truth. That’s wildly messed up, isn’t it?’

‘I think that’s something a lot of people do. What is the bitter truth?’

‘That I’m fake. That I’m dull. That sometimes, when I go to do a wee I do an unexpected fart instead that sounds like a bear complaining.’

Laurie rolled onto her side with the force of the laughter.

‘I’m serious!’ Emily said, through her own laughter. ‘If he gets to know me, he won’t love me.’

‘Or, he’ll love you even more?’

‘High stakes,’ Emily said.

‘That’s the deal, I think, with love,’ Laurie said. ‘But I got to know you, and only loved you more.’

‘Oh, you.’

They embraced.

‘Can I suggest something?’ Laurie said, ‘Can I suggest we spend a day in together, watching films, eating takeaway food, and completely erasing the lunatic tomato creep from memory?’

Emily nodded. ‘We could ask Nadia over, too.’

‘Yes!’

They put on music and Laurie made coffee and they did the kind of low key, chatting and pottering you could only really do with a very close, very long-term friend. Laurie felt there was a secret of how to live life buried in this unusual Sunday: they had turned a negative into a positive reason to spend time together, to remind themselves of how valuable they were to each other. Laurie had thought Dan was the source of the unconditional love in her life, but actually it was Emily: she wasn’t going to turn round and say sorry, she’d found a new Laurie.

It just happened. We shared Spotify playlists. She’s who I confide in now.

Nadia arrived half an hour later, in trademark hat. ‘Show me the crime scene,’ she said.

They pointed her to the counter.

‘Oh my God! Report him to the police, at once!’ Nadia bellowed.

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