Page 97 of If I Never Met You

‘Oh, Laurie.’

‘She was furious with me, Jamie.’ Laurie welled up now, ‘She thought I’d wandered off. I mean, she was more furious with my dad, but he made up some story about how he only went to the corner shop for five minutes and I had no reason for what I’d done.’

‘Why didn’t you tell her?’

Laurie wiped away tears. ‘She’d have never let me see my dad again. I might’ve been eight, but that much I knew. He wasn’t coming back from having left me with a paedophile, was he?’

Jamie blew his cheeks out. If nothing else, Laurie had succeeded in taking the shine off the largesse and larging it upstairs. This was the unattractive reality, the dysfunction. Her dad didn’t care about her, or care for her, at all. That was why she hung back from him, she didn’t want the contagion of the pretence. She didn’t want to be suckered in by the money and the connections and then hate herself for it. She didn’t want tobecome him. She had to hold on to the truth.

‘Fuck, Jamie. Seeing Pete. It’s summed up so much for me. I feel like … this is where I’ve been stuck, my whole life. Between my mum’s anger and his indifference. The crossfire. I’ve got this vivid memory of sitting in McDonald’s with a hash brown in a little paper sleeve, and an orange juice, and her sayingWhy did you do it,why did you run away, how can you expect me to trust you won’t do it again,to me, over and over. I couldn’t tell her. Should I have told her?’

It felt oddly incredibly freeing to simplyasksomeone this. She didn’t know the answer, and she had beaten herself up for not knowing it, without even realising, for so long.

Jamie held her by the shoulders: ‘Laurie. You had to escape someone threatening to assault you, get yourself to safety and then decide if you wanted your relationship with your dad to rest on reporting it? Do you know how many thirty-eight-year-olds wouldn’t know what to do, let alone an eight-year-old?’

‘When you put it like that …’

‘There was no right or wrong answer. Whatever you did had a cost. There was only survival.’

Jamie hugged her and said: ‘Also, remember this. You’re safe now.’

Laurie buried her face in the wool of his coat and leaned on him and said: ‘Betcha wish you didn’t come now eh, Jamie Carter. I did warn you.’

He leaned down and said, close to her ear: ‘No, now I couldn’t be more glad that I did.’

Laurie’s heart gave a squeeze and she couldn’t immediately look at him.

When they separated again, she said, ‘No point ever tellingmy dad, anyway. He’d minimise it, sayoh Pete’s got a sick sense of humour, sorry you were startled by him, princess.And I was just round the cornerbuying some fags. Even if he wasn’t. He’d never join the dots and be like “I left my child with a nonce, I am a disgraceful person!” That would mean some reflection and taking responsibility, and that can’t happen to him.’

‘Can I make a suggestion? Tell your mum.’

‘Now? It’d only upset her. She can’t do anything about it.’

‘You’re upset. You’ve never told her: let her in. Give her a chance to help you. Stop making it your responsibility alone.’

Laurie gave a morbid laugh.

‘When did you get so wise?!’

Jamie sighed. ‘I had counselling. At university. I was living in reckless ways, trying to hurt myself. Which I came to realise was about punishing myself.’

Laurie stared. ‘Oh.’

‘One of the things those sessions taught me is, you need to speak up, ask for help. If you don’t tell people why you’re suffering, or even that you’re suffering, they can’t help you.’

‘I’m not suffering!’ Laurie said. ‘Missing the end of that party sure ain’t suffering.’

‘Yes, you are,’ Jamie said. ‘You are standing here crying, frightened, about something that happened that was so bad, you blocked it out. You’re suffering.’

Laurie nodded and sniffed and wiped her nose on her coat sleeve.

He hailed her a taxi.

‘Look. You were there for me. Do you want me to come back to yours?’ Jamie said, and Laurie’s mouth opened in surprise.

‘Not like that!’ Jamie said, hastily, at her widened eyes. ‘If you don’t want to be alone, I mean.’

‘Thanks. I’ll be OK.’

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