Page 111 of Last Night

‘No. Susie never told me as she thought I was in love with Ed.’

‘Were you?’ Justin asks.

‘Yes,’ I say.

‘Are you?’ he says.

‘… I don’t know.’

‘Eesh, let me get an ashtray for this,’ Justin says, now a late-night deep-and-meaningful is getting going. ‘Why did I choose a no-smoking cottage? I prioritised WiFi. Ain’t nobody needs that “tranquil and peaceful haven, completely cut off from the world” shit.’

‘Surely they’re all no smoking these days. Also didn’t you just quit?’

‘I took it back up the day Susie died.’

Justin returns with a coffee mug receptacle and taps his fag into it.

‘Let’s dig into this Big Undiscussed. I thought it was mutual, and so did Susie,’ Justin says. ‘Susie and I used to say –why doesn’t Ed tell her? Why doesn’t he …’ Justin points upwards, ‘see which side his bread is buttered?’

‘Really?’ This patches up my ego somewhat. ‘Why did you think we were in love? Was I that much of a transparent dickhead?’

‘Hahaha,’ Justin takes a deep drag. ‘No, no one thing. The way you looked at each other, the sexual tension. Ed was absolutely obsessed with you in sixth form. Partly why I was so shook by him cuffing himself in our first year, I took it to be a rebound from missing out on you. And then … well. The rest is history. The rest isHestery.’

‘Why didn’t Susie say anything to me about it, ever?’

‘I’m guessing because she thought it would’ve embarrassed you? And once she’d drunkenly diddled Ed, far too politically hairy. I mean, if I’ve done anything I’m ashamed of, I just avoid it like the plague, job done. Denial is a very underrated coping mechanism.’

‘I suppose so. Why do you think it happened? Ed and Susie, I mean.’

‘’Cos twenty-four-year-olds are horny? I dunno. I thought it was nailed on that Ed would end up with one or other of you at some point, from the day we met you. We all loved each other, and love can get messy and squirty.’

I laugh. I wish I’d spoken to Justin about this sooner.

‘Suze liked to know she could have anyone she wished, and Ed’s not someone to reject female attention.’

‘Even though it hurt me?’ I say, more of a statement than a question. ‘I know I had no rights over him. It’s not upset or anger any more, it’s only not understanding why.’

‘Hmmm yeah, but. Suze had a ruthless streak,’ Justin says. I look at his bloodshot eyes by candlelight. ‘I do too. We recognised it in each other. I want to remember her how she really was, and how she really was had its less beautiful parts.’

I nod, and think about Finlay’s idea that Susie was trespassing, in order to investigate. That our key differential was my being permanently hopelessly in love, and Susie not knowing what being in love felt like.

I thought losing Susie, and then finding this secret out, meant I’d never have an answer for why she slept with Ed. In my gut, I feel I have a fuller answer in Finlay’s insight than I would have ever had from Susie.

I look at the ink-black of the hills around us, relieved only by the odd tile of yellow illumination in neighbouring houses. I surprise myself with a distinct pang of missing Finlay Hart. Gazing at that forbiddingly handsome, closed face and wondering what he was going to say next. What was going on behind his eyes. Missing Finlay Hart, how strange is that?

I hear Susie say:pervert.

‘I wanted to ask you if you approve of something,’ Justin says. ‘I’m going to get back in touch with Francis.’

‘Your ex, Francis?’

‘Yeah. I’ve had a revelation. He was great, and I treated him like shit.’

‘OK.’

‘I wasn’t ready to be someone’s boyfriend. I am now. But I don’t know if crawling back a year later and saying I’m older, wiser and bereaved isn’t the most monumental piss-take of someone who was capable of being a fully rounded human being by age thirty. Who had to listen to me say I simply hadn’t slept with enough people to be settling down.’

‘Only one way to find out. Don’t let your pride matter more than a shot at love,’ I say.

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