Page 114 of Last Night

A grisly hush descends.

38

‘You’re having, or have had, an affair, am I right?’ she says, arms crossed.

She’s vibrating in that way that someone does when on the incredible high of unleashing something destructive they’ve been holding back.

Ed, the colour of a beef tomato, says: ‘No!’

‘Definitely no,’ I say, clearing my throat.

It feels as if the whole world has hit mute on background noise while this moment plays out in cinematic Dolby surround sound.

‘Oh, like I’d believe a word you say,’ Hester says to me, looking at me now: ‘With your big sad eyes and your oh-so-witty asides, trying to position yourself as the sad perma-single cat lady, a Pound Shop Velma. You’re a fucking menace in polka dots, sister.’

Justin, halfway through unwrapping champagne bottle foil, has bulging eyes like the time he took too many psychotropics at Glastonbury. We’re collectively experiencing a sensation like we’re plunging down a lift shaft.

‘Woah, don’t talk to Eve like that!’ Justin says: ‘Have your barney with Ed, but don’t drag us into it.’

‘You missed the part where she dragged her-fucking-self into it!’ Hester screams at Justin, and we shrink back.

‘What were you arguing about, at the wake?’ she continues, looking from me to Ed. ‘I walked up to you, something intense was going on. Ed was looking defensive. When I reached you, you both stopped and pretended nothing was up. Then Eve was so wound up she tore a strip off me, for no reason.’

I take half a second to admire how she’s making sure that’s not forgotten.

‘It had been a long day. We were both exhausted. I can’t even remember, I think it was some admin thing …’ Ed blusters.

‘Admin thing. That couldn’t be shared with me? Do I seem as if I’m going to be palmed off that easily, Ed? Do you think I’m stupid? It was a wake for one of your best friends. You’d done a reading, that she wrote,’ she looks at me, as if that in itself is suspicious. ‘I can’t see a reason for you to have had words, at a moment like that, unless it was something major.’

My skin is prickling and my palms are wet. I want to try to cover, but I don’t know if I should, and I can’t think how to.

‘Are you going to tell me?’ she says to me. ‘Or can you not “remember what the admin thing was about” either?’ She does air quote fingers. ‘Was the admin thing the times you met up at, oh I don’t know, wild guess – The Mercure behind my back? Or did you go to her drab spinster’s nest?’

I open my mouth and nothing comes out.

‘It was about the fact I’d had sex with Susie,’ Ed says, and time stands still for a second. ‘Once, ten years ago.’

‘What?’ Hester says, stunned, eyes flicking between us, trying to work out if this is some gambit. Blame the woman who can’t deny it. ‘Then why would Eve be angry?’

‘Because we’d hidden it from her. She found out from a letter among Susie’s personal things. Eve was furious on your behalf and insisted I should tell you before we got married.’

I’m awed by the speed by which Ed has invented this to protect me. Hester’s clearly struggling to catch up with having the right crime, infidelity – but the wrong perp, and the wrong timeline. That I might not be involved seems inconceivable to her. That’s not actually unreasonable, I think. It did to me too.

‘Once, ten years ago?’ she repeats.

‘Yes. When you were working in Switzerland.’

‘I think we should give you two some space to discuss this,’ Justin says.

‘We’ll go outside,’ Ed says to Hester, and although I don’t think she’s keen to take instruction from him, she’s too poleaxed to argue. They disappear off to the kitchen and the door to the garden shuts after them.

Justin sits down on the sofa next to me and we both make a lot of air-escaping-mouth noises, and shake our heads at each other.

‘Is it too soon for me to say “You’re a fucking menace in polka dots, sister” was an absolutely incredible line?’ Justin whispers.

‘Drab spinster’s nest! Can I get that on one of those varnished slices of wood to hang outside next to my front door?’ and Justin cracks up.

The sound of the door opening again tells us that Ed and Hester are finished debating sooner than we expected. We instinctively stand up and troop into the dining room.

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