Page 117 of Last Night

‘Oh come on, why would it not be …?’

‘For some of the same reasons I tried to hook up with that barman the night you got engaged.’

‘I was a coward when it came to you, Eve. That’s the truth.’ Ed rubs his temples. ‘The letter going astray ruined everything between us, didn’t it?’

I shake my head.

‘Hah, no, I used to think that. I was desperate to think that, it was the … what’s the film phrase? MacGuffin of our origins myth. We were each other’s soulmate, separated by circumstance. The truth is, you didn’t choose me. That’s it,’ I shrug. ‘That’s the whole story of Ed Cooper and Evelyn Harris. You didn’t want me enough, when choosing me became harder. You didn’t even risk a phone call, or wait a term, to check why I didn’t write back. Do you know what? That’s fine. I understand, and we were kids. I own my part in victimising myself over this, you can own yours. But let’s stop blaming bad luck or misunderstandings.’

‘People aren’t always brave. They make mistakes. You’ve still been my best friend.’

‘No, Susie was my best friend. We’re close friends, with this added manipulation. Friends with drawbacks.You pulled the “best” thing out of the bag once I found out you’d slept with her, and I needed to be thrown fresh hope of my specialness. Because you knew that men who sleep with your best mate aren’t anyone’s romantic hero. And that’s what you wanted to be, whatever cost it had for me.’

Ed looks staggered. I’ve kept my temper, but I’m finding this far too powerfully cleansing to pull any punches.

‘I’m blown away that you’d think I’d deliberately—’

‘It’s not deliberate, in the sense you plot,’ I interrupt. ‘It’s instinct. The trouble with your lies, Ed, is you tell them so fast and so easily, you don’t see yourself constructing them. You believe them yourself. Look at the way you altered the story of our fight to Hester just now, to gain an advantage from it.’

Ed doesn’t speak for a moment.

‘You make me sound a proper monster.’

‘You’re not a monster. You’re someone who naturally takes on responsibility, you’re always the responsible adult and the map reader, but won’t take responsibility for himself with women.’

‘Today’s turning out to be a helluva day for self-discovery,’ Ed says, after a short pause. ‘I’m sincerely sorry for having hurt you. I didn’t intend any of it.’

I never thought of the story between Ed and me being a circle. I thought it was open-ended, it would run forever. Yet here we are – him finally declaring himself again, and me closing it. I’m glad. My life’s been short of moments of closure.

‘Apology accepted. I’m sure you can see why I thinkI’m worth more than someone who spent sixteen years making up his mind about whether I was worth the hassle.’

Ed looks fairly stunned and yet is without comeback.

A heavy silence ensues. The door handle cranks and Justin appears, rubbing his hands, Leonard skittering ahead of him.

‘Apologies, on the one hand you two seem to be still fullJerry Springer. On the other, I have shotgunned half a bottle of champagne, my battery is on twelve per cent and my dick is an icicle.’

‘It’s fine,’ I say, looking at Ed. ‘We were finished.’

39

‘Think he’s alright?’ Justin says. ‘Are my onion pieces small enough?’

I crane over to see Justin’s chopping board. We’re making a Sunday roast while Ed is off on a ‘head clearing’ hike.

‘I think so and definitely. They’re only going under the chicken.’

‘Ah, so they can soak up the chicken’s weltschmerz.’

‘Do you mean schmaltz?’

‘Oh. Yes. What’s weltschmerz?’

Justin rubs his hands on a tea towel and picks up his phone. ‘A German word for a feeling of melancholy or world weariness.I wish these onions could soak that up for us.’

I laugh and return to peeling the potatoes.

Last night was pretty dour. We watched a film –All the President’s Men– and pretended to discuss Watergate when everyone’s minds were on Hestergate. Ed was understandably stilted around me, keeping his distance, while I tried to be as normal as possible to make it clear I didn’t want any rift.

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