Page 2 of Last Night

I guffaw. (This is a standard joke format with Ed; I assume his bum is fine.)

I reflexively reach out to pet Leonard, who has his own chair, sitting atop Justin’s coat, protecting the upholstery.

Leonard is a ‘Chorkie’ – a Chihuahua crossed with a Yorkshire Terrier. He has beady eyes peering out from under a comical fringe of grey-white hair, spiky in the middle like he’s had Paul Weller’s Mod cut, bat ears, and a lopsided little grin, full of toothpick-teeth.

He looks, as Ed says: ‘Like an enterprising cartoon rat doing some kind of stealthy cosplay as a canine. We’ve been infiltrated by a rodent master criminal.’

Leonard, an omnivorous eater and troublesomely impromptu urinator, is one of the loves of my life. (The rest of them are around, and also sometimes under, this table.)

‘You say we’re going to win this quiz every week, Ed,’ Susie says, worrying at a beer mat, shredding it into a pile of soft cardboard shards. ‘And we are always fucked by the same five determined men in Lands’ End packable anoraks.’

‘Describing my best holiday in Wales, there,’ Justin says. Justin is a self-proclaimed ‘tiresome show-off and performative middle child’ and one of the funniest men you’ll ever meet, but you absolutely do not go to him for good taste.

The quizmaster’s voice booms out, cutting through conversation, like the Voice of God:

‘Question TEN. Who is Michael Owuo?Who is, Michael Owuo?’

The usual seconds of post-question hush fall.

‘Is he … the Labour MP for Kingston upon Hull East?’ Ed whispers, faux-earnestly.

‘Seriously?’ Susie says.

‘No,’ I say, rolling my eyes, and Ed taps the Bic Biro on his lips and winks at me.

‘You threedoknow who he is, right?’ Justin says, doing a double-take. ‘UGH. So wearethe millennial cast ofLast of the Summer Wine.’

‘Did he play the villain in the last Bond?’ I ask, and Ed says: ‘YES! “Doctor Pardon”. What was his gimmick again?’

‘He had diamanté ear grommets,’ I say. ‘And an evil Zimmer frame, with tinsel wound round it.’

Ed laughs. I love the way he laughs: it starts in his shoulders.

‘OK, who is taking the piss, and who isn’t?’ Susie says. ‘I mean obviously, they are,’ she grimaces at myself and Ed. ‘Do you genuinely know who he is, Justin?’

‘He’sStormzy,’ Justin hisses. ‘God, you can tell you lot are thirty-four.’

‘You’re thirty-four, Justin,’ Susie says.

‘There’s thirty-four and then there’s, like, “Who Are the Stormzys?” thirty-four,’ Justin says, pulling an ‘old gimmer’ rubbery face.

‘A “Stormzy”, you say,’ Ed says, in a creaky High Court judge voice. ‘Whatever aStormzyis,’ and writes ‘Mr Storm Zee’ on the paper.

Ed has really nice hands, I’m a sucker for nice hands. He cycles a lot and can mend things, and I am now mature enough to appreciate practical skills like that.

Susie takes the pen from Ed, scribbles his words out and writes Stormzy correctly.

‘Don’t your pupils keep you up to date with this stuff?’ I ask Ed. ‘Hip to the jive, daddio?’

‘It’s my job to teach them Dickens, not theirs to teach me grime.’

Ed is head of English at a nice county school. You know how they say some people look like police? Ed looks like a teacher – a film or television, glossy young teacher – with his unthreatening, handsome solidity, strawberry-blond, close-cropped hair. In a crisis situation full of strangers, Ed’s would be the kind, reliable face you’d hope to see. He’d be the guy offering his neck tie as a makeshift tourniquet.

Part of the pleasure of this weekly pub appointment to lose the pub quiz, I think, is it brings out and defines all the roles in our foursome. Ed and I clowning around together, Justin refereeing, with his caustic wit, Susie playing exasperated mother.

Sometimes I stop participating in the conversation and just hum happily inside myself, enjoying our togetherness, revelling in the way we all broadcast on the same frequency. I watch us from the outside.

… didn’t she marry the singer from the Mumfords? I’d rather be an ISIS bride. (Susie)

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