Page 65 of Last Night

‘Erm, OK. Wow.’ This is good and ambiguous, I think. It could mean wow she knew, or wow she thought that? ‘Then you said …?’

‘I agreed it wasn’t a good idea to tell you.’

‘But you didn’t say oh hey, I told Eve I was madly in love withher, a few years back?’

‘No,’ Ed says, frowning. ‘It wasn’t the moment and I kind of assumed you’d have told Susie about that at the time, anyway?’

It hadn’t occurred to me he’d think this. I suppose he would’ve thought that, what with girl talk and gossip. The truth is, it was first too precious, and then too painful, to let any sunlight in on it. And as usual, the group was to be protected at all costs.

I only say: ‘Nope.’

I wonder why he thinks I didn’t tell Susie.

‘Eve,’ Ed says. ‘I know “speaking for Susie” keeps tripping us up, but she’d be crushed to think she’d hurt you by keeping this from you. Nothing mattered to her the way you did.Nothing.’

This rings hollow, after talking about a night when my feelings definitely didn’t matter to her. She knew I was in love, and it would destroy me, and she still did it. ‘Destroy’ – her word, not mine.

For nothing more than an ungainly, sloppy one-night stand. She was Susie Hart, she could’ve gone home with any man in that club if she’d wanted to.

What would she say if she was here? I can only imagine some version of Ed’s: we were drunk, we were idiots.Much stupid, so regret.What other excuse is there? She wasn’t the person I thought she was.

‘Would Hester still marry you if she knew?’ I say, making it clear there’s no point to any more mollifying speechifying from Ed.

‘I don’t know. It would be an apocalyptic fight. It being Susie would make it a thousand times worse, of course, compared to some anonymous woman. I don’t want her to think the less of Susie.’ Ed holds up a palm as he sees my jaw drop. ‘Yeah, you can call that a really slimy thing to say, it is, but it’s true. You think Susie would want that, in her memory? Us splitting up over some decade-old embarrassing transgression? Or Hester being tormented by the thought of it? You’ve found it gruesome enough.’

‘Well, I’m implicated now,’ I say, interrupting, before we get into measuring of what I’m feeling versus what Hester would: ‘Because in your vows there’ll be that bit aboutif anyone knows any reason why these two should not be joined…’

‘You’d not be the first person to sit through that part of a ceremony and know something about the bride or groom that either one of them doesn’t.’

Ed tries for a small rueful smile, and I stare it down.

‘It’s not funny.’

‘It’s not. I’m not saying you can’t tell Hester if that’s what your conscience tells you to do. I’ve never cheated on Hester, apart from that one time.’

‘Oh, paging Pride of Britain awards.’

‘No! I mean, it’s not habitual, this isn’t the tip of an iceberg. You’re not letting another woman walk unwittingly into a marriage with King Rat.’

‘Hmmm.’

I’m not going to tell Hester. Given how little I think of her, it would be nothing but revenge on Ed, and, as my mum says, revenge is throwing piss in a strong wind. She should know.

‘Thanks for hearing me out. I know none of this is easy.’

I agree it isn’t, and feel the emptiness I knew was on the other side of this grovelling. Now what? Accept it and carry on.

Ed leans down to pet Roger, who’s winding himself round his ankles and clearly pondering a bid for Chew Stick 3: The Enfattening.

‘You’ve been off the radar a bit since the funeral … are you OK? Apart from the giant things that aren’t OK?’

I raise my shoulders and drop them.

‘Yes and no.’

Ed nods. He’s temporarily lost his rights to be emollient Ed, and he knows it. He scrunches the sides of his empty can, making a small crackling noise.

As he leaves, he says: ‘You’ll come to Justin’s birthday, though, right?’

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