Page 71 of Last Night

‘Yes, ideally today, please?’ I say, ignoring the sarcasm. Kirsty does a windy sigh and leaves me listening to the tap-tap of her mocha shimmer Shellacs on her keyboard, as if she’s calling up a vital spreadsheet when she’s almost certainly continuing an email to a friend. ‘Hmmm …’ she draws it out. ‘Hmmmm … if you can work a half day and take the afternoon off, I canjustaboutswing it. Call me your Fairy Godmother,’ she said.

I got off the phone to her and explained my exceptionally fortunate dispensation to the rest of the office.

‘Fucking hell, the fuss they make overleave. You’re not Obama, are you,’ Phil says. ‘It’s not like the irreverently captioned clickbait farms will be in chaos, and the financial markets wracked with uncertainty until you return. Death to our neoliberal overlords.’

‘They have to create a narrative, Phil,’ I say, playing to his gallery. ‘Where we take liberties and they’re endlessly patient and understanding. That way their punitive measures are always in the context of being harassed, exhausted parents who finally snapped.’

‘I think they’re just twats,’ Seth says.

Ed messages to tentatively ask if we’re ready to reinstate the pub quiz yet, and I say no. When he tries to message again asking how I’m feeling, I reply that I’m up north for it.

My phone rings.

‘Edinburgh, why?’

I explain.

‘Thefuck?!You’re going to Scotland with him?’

‘Yes?’ I’m troubled by the strength of Ed’s reaction.

He couldn’t fake this, simply to act the good guy protector for much-needed brownie points – he seems genuinely astounded.

‘You don’t know this guy from Adam and what we do know is unpleasant. How is this remotely safe, for one thing?’

I hadn’t fully thought it through and I don’t want to admit this.

‘He’s back to New York soon, I don’t think he’s likely to …’ I trail off.

‘Commit any offences when it’ll mean extraditing him to charge him? Solid reasoning, five out of five.’

‘What are you suggesting? I know he’s never going to win Personality of the Year but I didn’t take him for any sort of sex predator.’

‘No, if I recall rightly, you more liked him for serial killing. Plus hoodwinking his decrepit father out of a fortune.’

‘If he is doing that, this way, I have a ringside seat for the plot …’

‘What?! Are you Jessica Fletcher now?’

Ed leaves an aghast pause.

‘… You’re not yourself and you’re not thinking straight.’

‘I appreciate the chivalry but I know what I’m doing. Life isn’t risk free and I caused their dad to do this runner. I have to help or I won’t sleep at night.’

Ed says, ‘Hmmm. He was certainly happy to blame you, wasn’t he? What does that tell you?’

I mutter non-committal things. He twisted my arm, but I have to admit that had he not done so, I would’ve said no.

‘If you’re doing this, can I ask you to do something? For me?’ Ed says.

‘Which is …?’

‘Message me every day, at nine p.m., in such a way that I know it’s definitely you, and let me know you’re alright? Don’t say it’s an arranged check-in, in so many words. Then if anyone else has your phone, they won’t know to do it on your behalf. If I don’t get the message, I’ll be calling the police, and on the first train up there. Send me a photo of the licence plate of the car, too. Don’t let him see you taking it.’

I laugh. ‘Seriously? You don’t have to turn white kni—’

‘Yes I’m serious!’ Ed says, with vehemence. ‘You’re about to skip to another country with a dubious man you don’t know, on a wild goose chase where he’s running the show and picking up the tab. This has Very Creepy Interlude all over it.’

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