Page 80 of Last Night

We wander past the lollipop-brights of the shop doorways, across the worn-shiny paving, scanning the passersby. We wander, but with secret purpose, and I find pleasure in the strangeness of it. Usually you’re obliged to enjoy this sort of activity, today we’re almost obliged not to, which is kindof freeing. Humans are irrational.

‘It’s such a handsome place, isn’t it,’ I say, blandly, wondering if I’m replicating bad date levels of chat.

‘Would you want to live here?’ Fin says, after a pause.

‘Yes … I don’t know. If I could bear to leave the things I care about, back home.’

‘What are they?’

‘My friends, my mum. The really good chippy.’

As soon as I’ve said that, I immediately wonder if, especially post-Susie, this is sufficient reason, or if it’s an alibi for standing still. I know what my ex Mark’s vote would be.

‘I believe Scotland’s pretty strong on chips,’ Fin says.

I look around, breathe the damp air and try to picture myself in a grand new setting. It would be exhilarating. Scary, but exhilarating.

As soon as I’ve pictured escape, I think about how Susie has no more choices to make. I remember her in that last pub quiz, gaze bright over her bundled scarf, all the unspoken urgent communication flying between us that we had no idea would stay forever unsaid. My eyes well up. Whatever changes and dulls, I know this will be the case for the rest of my life, the ability of the thought of her to turn me to tears at a second’s notice. They don’t put that in the eulogies, do they:they will live on in your hearts, and in the way you find yourself weeping like a freak in Birds Baker, because you inadvertently recalled how much she loved an Elephant’s Foot pastry.

I blink rapidly to regain control and see Finlay’s noticed all of this. ‘It’s alright, you know,’ he says, quietly. ‘You’re allowed.’

‘Allowed to what?’

‘… Be alive. Carry on.’

I don’t trust my voice to reply, so I simply nod. I’m spooked to be read by him so effortlessly, but I feel comforted too. He’s so assured. What are his feelings about his sister’s loss?

‘Ah, the castle,’ I say, in relief, as we find ourselves in a clearing with an impressive view. ‘That’s worth a photograph.’

I wrestle my phone out of my pocket and train the camera. I notice Finlay is in the far right of the frame. At first I covertly snap him gazing across at the castle.

Then a tableau of him waiting for me to finish: looking away, down at the ground, pensive, running his hands boredly through his hair, then looking right at me. I shift the centre of the frame so he’s more in shot, and run off rapid silent snap-snap-snap extra pictures. I don’t know why I collect this stealthy memorabilia, and I’m amused at my own hypocrisy, after criticising the disinhibited nosiness that comes with camera phones. I tell myself it’s the modelling thing: I’m curious to see if he’s as casually photogenic off-duty as he was for money.

When he’s in danger of sensing my eyeline isn’t on the ‘historic fortress’, I stop. Hah, Finlay Hart is a historic fortress all of his own.

We must give bored school pupils a run for their money with our workmanlike efficiency in getting round the National Museum, powering through the light-filled, vaulted central atrium with the dinosaur bones, separating to cover different galleries.

I text Finlay:

Can confirm it’s just me and the giant Panda Ching Ching in the animals section. She was embalmed in 1985 and still looks better than me

Yep drawing a blank in Art, Design & Fashion, though tbf I doubt 18th century corsetry is my dad’s thing. See you outside

‘Feels strange not to have middle-class guilt at binning off the antiquities exhibition, doesn’t it,’ I say, as we clatter back on the bus, lower deck this time, as the weather looks threatening. ‘My dad would be appalled.’

At John Knox House, I get a nostalgic rush at the combination of the respectful-speed shuffling from room to room, and the musty, woodsy smell of the interiors. I’m disorientated not to have a worksheet to fill out on Protestant reformers of the sixteenth century afterwards. It’s only lacking the teacher asking if anyone needs to use the facilities before we get back on the bus and telling us we have fifteen minutes maximum in the gift shop. I’m almost tempted to buy a pot of unsharpened pencils and a rainbow rubber.

I sense Finlay’s mood plummeting further, each time we reboard the bus.

‘Is it worth prioritising things your dad would find particularly interesting?’ I ask. ‘Is he a devolution junkie, would he be interested in seeing the Scottish Parliament buildings? Or … the café where JK Rowling wroteHarry Potter?’

‘I honestly don’t know, it’s second-guessing someone I’m distant from, who is mentallyill,’ Fin says. ‘I think imposing old buildings are probably his taste.’

‘Stay on for Holyrood Palace, then?’

‘Yeah.’

Finlay can read me, but I can’t read him. Something’s bothering him and I can’t identify what it is. This was his idea. I’m here because he demanded I be here. Anyone watching would think it was the other way round.

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