Page 31 of Mad About You

‘Come! Bring your wife and kids.’

‘I don’t have a wife and kids. It’s only me and my wee pal, Bubbles Hussein.’

‘Your pet name for your penis?’

Harriet and Roxy were now gripping the seat arms.

‘That is myrescue chihuahua,thank you very much. Half old lady’s treasure, half fearsome dictator.’

‘Well, you and Bubbles Hussein are very welcome.’

‘In that case I’ll be straight in there! Great to see you again.’

‘And you,’ Lorna said.

He crept back to his seat.

A slightly tense silence settled among the three of them afterwards, entirely unrelated to the trailer for thespine-chilling psychological thriller of the yearwhich was booming out.

‘Really nice of him to come and say hello, given what had in fact transpired,’ Harriet said, in loud whisper.

Lorna hoarse-whispered back: ‘No. That was a passive-aggressive charge sheet disguised as ahi how are you.’

Harriet grinned. Lorna didn’t mean a word of that.

‘Fuck, I knew I was high as a kite, but to have had visitors I don’t remember?!’ Lorna continued. ‘Fuck the NHS! Someone must lose their job over this.’

‘You were very stoned, early doors,’ Roxy said, ‘You kept asking me and Harriet if they’d been able to save your leg and we’d point at it in the sling and you’d say, “where’s the other one?”’

‘Unbelievable,’ Lorna huffed. Harriet sensed her furiously processing this alternative version of Gethin.

‘Thank God I’ve had my roots done. And am, obviously,ravishing,’ she whispered, only to Harriet, as Roxy was sat on the other side of Harriet and would’ve at this stage required too much projecting of voice. ‘Though I’m not sure this was the right outfit.’

This was how Lorna admitted feelings for men, only by implication.

‘I love that outfit, it’s one of my favourites,’ Harriet said. It was a black high-necked dress, with black-and-white striped tights and red shoes, as a reference to the Wicked Witch inTheWizard of Oz.

‘“Is that your pet name for your penis”,’ Harriet repeated, and started shaking with laughter again. ‘Poor Gethin.’

‘I knew I needed to take it down by at least twenty-six per cent but I was startled,’ Lorna said.

Harriet felt excited on Lorna’s behalf. She’d not seen her this discomposed by a member of the opposite sex for a very long time, and from what she’d seen, Gethin was a worthy sparring partner.

As the film began, Harriet saw another WhatsApp from Jon ding noiselessly on her phone screen.

Read, but no reply. Is there any reason you’re avoiding me?

Harriet scowled and switched her mobile off completely, in a snap of irritation. What was this creepy, resentful tone about?

She wasn’t sure she understood Jon anymore. Perhaps she never had.

16

‘Do you think I’m an idiot?!’

‘I don’t think anything about you at all, mate, what with not knowing you.’

‘I’m not your mate.’

---